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In Heartbreaking News, E.T. The Geriatric Walrus Has Died

WHYE.T., the 33-year-old walrus at Point Defiance Zoo & Aquarium, died Thursday after he contracted a serious infection.

Head veterinarian Dr. Karen Wolf conducted a two-hour operation with a team of surgeons to open and drain an abscess in the Pacific walrus’ pharyngeal pouch. He did not recover.

“At age 33, he was a geriatric walrus with multiple medical issues,” said Dr. Wolf. “He had been ill for many weeks with a serious bacterial infection. He had not eaten for 17 days, and he suffered from painful arthritis that made it difficult for him to haul out of the water.”

This one hurts. E.T. the walrus (remarkable name) has passed on, and now my weekend is pretty much ruined. I don’t care if the weather is beautiful and the beer is flowing like wine, a geriatric walrus died god damnit! With that said, the walrus kind of seemed like he was suffering. Not eating for 17 days? Maybe after a few days you should get in there and help him out. 17 days is a long time. Plus the arthritis. Just a tough way to go out. But 33 years is a long time, and who knows how long that is in walrus years. While you’re having fun with your human arms and human legs this weekend, remember E.T. Hit the music.

– Ryan

Vampire Crabs Are Apparently A Real Thing & They’re Terrifying

Please NoTwo new species of “vampire crabs” have been identified by scientists.

Their bright yellow eyes have a piercing glare as sharp as their pincers, but don’t worry too much about these tiny critters sucking your blood any time soon.

Peter Ng, Christoph Schubart and Christian Lukharp identified the new species, named Geosesarma dennerle and Geosesarma hagen, in the Raffles Bulletin of Zoology (pdf of the study can be found here). They traced the habitat of the freshwater crabs to Java, Indonesia, after years of ambiguity about their exact origins.

“These crabs are kind of special because they’ve been around in the pet trade for 10 years, but no one knew where they came from,” Lukhamp told National Geographic.

Dealers claimed that they were taken from locations as diverse as Sulawesi, Krakatau or the Riau Islands, as well as Java.

Nicknamed vampire crabs for their yellow eyes, they’re also distinguished by their deep purple or bright orange shells. Since their discovery roughly 10 years ago, they’ve been exported to Europe, East Asia and North America.



You know what’s terrifying? The ocean, and everything that lives in or near it. Whether it’s a shark or a giant squid or a god damn VAMPIRE CRAB, the ocean is absolutely insane. I never understood why people would be surprised if they got attacked by a shark or some kind of oceanic animal. That’s their world. We own the land, they own the sea. Don’t go into their world and be surprised when they attack you. The newest, and possibly most terrifying thing to come out of the ocean is the vampire crab. It’s a crab, but instead of being normal and delicious they’re yellowed eyed purple shelled monsters. They’re supposedly harmless, but I just refuse to trust something that looks like that. Rule number one of trusting someone or something should state that if something as yellow, glowing eyes, you don’t trust it. Blanket statement. If these things somehow make their way to North America via the pet trading market I’m running for the hills. Those yellow eyes are staring into my soul.

– Ryan

Christopher Walken Was Wonderfully Weird Last Night on The Daily Show



I actually watched this live and Christopher Walken is far and away the most wonderfully weird person on the planet. He came on to talk Jersey Boys and instead spent 99% of the interview talking about his ideal climate and all the animals he sees at his house in Connecticut. If there’s one thing I want to do before I die, it’s watch a skunk fight with Christopher Walken. I have to imagine that’s as good as it gets.

– Ryan

P.S. Slightly upset Jon Stewart didn’t bring up the greatest YouTube video of all time. If you need me I’ll be dancing.

I’m Quitting my Gym to Fight Bears For Exercise Instead

Planet Fitness, I really enjoy your gym. It’s clean, well maintained, all the machines work, and I have ample space for my finer stretches. However, there is one thing that you lack in a BIG way, wild animal fighting. There is no space for me to fight with any wild animals and even worse there are no wild animals at your gym. With the way the fitness society is changing this is unacceptable. How am I suppose to work up a good sweat? On a treadmill? Pshhhh, like that will ever work. See the video below for my new workout regiment.

Protein powder? Diet pills? Steroids? Who needs ’em when you have a bear to spar with. I figure I will go out and find a adolescent bear and start there. Maybe move up to its parents as I gain experience. Not to mention I will have an awesome new pet; Talk about two birds with one stone. I can’t see this ever going wrong.


Monster Blog Wednesday: Exotic Pets

Monster Blog Wednesday is back in full swing. This week? Well, this week we offer up our choices for exotic pets. Simple right? NOPE. Here’s the kicker: We are counting extinct animals in our selections. Got yours? No? That’s ok, take a look at our picks for inspiration.

Wooly Mammouth


Large, Majestic, and hairy, The Wooly Mammoth is my perfect spirit animal and pet! I really have no idea what these guys were like but I bet they were loyal as hell. Loyalty is one of the main personality traits i look for in a beast-friend. Secondly, this guy is is instant transportation. I will immediately be selling my car after this guy comes to live with me. Yeah, I might be late for everything I ever go to, but are you going to really hold it against me when I show up on a Wooly?


PS- His name is Pete. Human names are hilarious for animals.



I’ve always had a fascination with Rhinos for no apparent reason, so that’s as good a reason as any to pick it as my exotic pet. I also feel like Rhinoceros are discriminated against in pop culture. Would it kill Disney to create a sassy Rhinoceros character? The ultimate slap in the face came during the movie Madagascar; you picked a zebra over a rhino, Disney? Are you high? I’m hoping through my fictional adoption that the perception of Rhinos will go from “oh God I’m going to die” to “man that Rhino is sassy!”.


You Won’t Be Able To Stop Watching

Stunning HD visuals with trance worthy music.


Florida Might Honestly Be The Worst Place On Earth


(Source) “Beware of the monkeys!

Hundreds of rare wild monkeys — some carrying herpes — are on the loose in Florida after a tour guide brought the spunky critters to the state long ago.

Wildlife officials said that three pairs of Rhesus monkeys were transported to a park near Ocala in the 1930s by tour operator Colonel Tooey after a “Tarzan” flick sparked a fascination with the creature.

But the breed has since boomed and more than 1,000 of the monkeys now live in the state, wildlife officials say.

State officials have caught more than 700 of the monkeys in the past decade — most of which tested positive for the herpes-B virus.

Wildlife officials now consider the monkeys a public health hazard.

Current Silver River tour operator Captain Tom O’Lenick, 65, defended transporting the animals, claiming people love them.

“Everybody who comes on the river for a tour wants to see the monkeys,” O’Lenick said.

“From my point of view, as a naturalist, I think the planet changes naturally and species do move around, whether that is by man or other means,” he said.

The monkeys were first marooned on a small island near the Silver River. But the creatures learned to swim.

They have since been spotted hundreds of miles away, near Jacksonville, officials said.

“Just like any other wild animal you need to give them space,” said British wildlife photographer Graham McGeorge, 42.

The monkeys eat dirt and spiders and live near rivers.”

Florida is just falling apart at the seams. If you told me herpes monkeys were invading a state Florida would be my first guess. The same state that has people who stab their brothers over mac n’ cheese have herpes infested monkeys? Shocker. Florida used to be known for sunshine and the elderly. Now it’s known for psychos and herpes monkeys. Not the ideal transition.

– Ryan

Rusty The Red Panda Has Been Found

All’s well for Rusty, the red panda who set the Internet abuzz on June 24 when he escaped his exhibit at the Smithsonian’s National Zoo in Washington D.C. On Tuesday, zookeepers returned the healthy runaway panda to his enclosure, where he soon went back to munching on fruit and bamboo and getting reacquainted with his old roommate Shama. Following his capture, the staff kept Rusty in the zoo’s vet hospital, followed by a “temporary holding enclosure,” where he remained until his release yesterday.”


If you’re not happy that Rusty the red panda has been found and returned then you have no heart. He just looks like a panda I’d want to have a few beers with on a rainy day. Although I have to say, it’s kind of confusing that Rusty lives at the Smithsonian. I was just there with funky butt Matt, and I don’t remember seeing any live animals. Now I’m kind of upset I never got to see Rusty. Either way, I’m glad Rusty is home. Nothing better than a heartwarming panda story to start your day. Stories like this support my long standing theory that people care more about animals than they do humans, and quite frankly, I feel the same way. If Hank the janitor ran away nobody would give a shit, but if they never found Rusty, I don’t know if I’d have the strength to go on. Stay strong Rusty. Our hopes and dreams live on with you.

– Ryan

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