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Welcome To Hell, Chip Kelly #49ers

Chips Ahoy Chip Kelly is the new head coach of the San Francisco 49ers.

Kelly, fired last year at the end of his third season coaching the Eagles, has been hired by the 49ers today.

Although Kelly’s tenure in Philadelphia will be remembered mostly for his disappointing 2015 season, in which he was given full personnel control and didn’t know what to do with it, he did have success in his first two seasons with the Eagles. In San Francisco, G.M. Trent Baalke will pick the players, and Kelly will coach them. Coaching is what Kelly does best.

The first question is whether the quarterback Kelly coaches will be Colin Kaepernick. It appeared that Kaepernick’s tenure in San Francisco was coming to an end when he was benched last season, but Kelly’s offense could be suited to Kaepernick’s skill set, and it’s now possible that Kaepernick could remain.

Slow Clap

Any time you can snag up one of the best coaches on the market, you have to be pleased. So what if he’s a racist and he’s slowly losing his mind. He’s walking into hell, anyway. So maybe being a crazy racist is just what the 49ers need. As much as Jim Tomsula was fun to watch and his mustache was majestic, he was clearly overmatched. The 49ers had a historic overhaul coming into this season, and they performed as well as expected. Now that Kelly realizes he can’t coach AND make all the personnel decisions, maybe he’ll be more grounded and do a better job. The most important question is obviously what do you do with Kaepernick. I was under the impression that he was as good as gone, but he’s a pretty excellent fit for Kelly’s offense. Finally a beacon of hope in what was once a depressing wasteland.

-Ryan

 

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Vernon Davis Has Been Traded, Colin Kaepernick Has Been Benched & The 49ers Aren’t The Greatest Team In The World Right Now

Oh No – The trade of Vernon Davis to the Denver Broncos on Monday signals more than just the beginning of the teardown of what was once an elite NFL team.

The trade represents the full-circle journey the 49ers have taken, from the ranks of the NFL’s worst, to one of its best, now back to darkness and desperation.

Hours after the trade, reports circled that the 49ers have decided to bench struggling Colin Kaepernick in favor of Blaine Gabbert this week. The quarterback of the present and future will hold a clipboard. The team is crumbling.

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That picture pretty much sums up the 49ers season. They had the worst offseason in recent memory, losing so many key coaches and players that you knew it’d be impossible for them to have anything close to a decent season this year, and that’s exactly what’s happened. Now another key veteran is gone in Vernon Davis, and their $100 million quarterback Colin Kaepernick has been benched in favor of a guy who the Jacksonville Jaguars thought was expendable. It’s a shocking fall from grace for a team that was in the god damn Super Bowl 3 years ago, but that’s what happens when ownership thinks they know how to build a team better than a guy (Jim Harbaugh) who lives and breathes football and has instantly turned around programs and franchises everywhere he’s went. Is it shocking that Michigan is ranked 16th in the country and the 49ers are going through one of the ugliest seasons in ever? It shouldn’t be, and unfortunately, unless they score some serious talent in next year’s draft, it won’t be getting better anytime soon.

-Ryan

Vernon Davis’s Performance Last Season Makes A lot More Sense After Watching Him On ‘Family Feud’

Vernon Davis didn’t have the greatest season last year. He was hurt, yes, but he played in 14 games and finished with 26 catches and two touchdowns, which is…not good. While his physical ailments may have healed in the offseason, it’s clear from this Family Feud clip that he is also mentally unhinged. While the ‘stripper’ comment was kind of funny, the ‘feet’ comment was just disturbing. There’s no need to go all Rex Ryan on us and air your foot fetishes out in public. Let’s worry about hands and catching the ball so the 49ers don’t suck again.

P.S. Steve Harvey is the best game show host of all the times.

– Ryan

Filed Under The We Already Knew This File: Colin Kaepernick Does Not Take Criticism Well

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Coming off easily the worst year of his young career, Colin Kaepernick finds himself at a crossroads this year. He just signed a huge contract, lost his head coach and most of the offensive staff and now he’s getting into a Twitter fight with someone named Stephen Batten. Not exactly the start to the off season 49ers were looking for. Kaepernick might honestly be the worst athlete in history in regards to taking criticism. If he’s playing great, he seems like a fun guy to be around and interview, and we’ve already seen how great he can be when he’s on. When he’s playing bad? Moody city, population Colin. He snapped at reporters all season long and looked generally lost on the field, which was a big reason why the 49ers went from the NFC Championship in January of 2014 to 8-8 and home on the couch in January of 2015. I’m glad Kaepernick is already hitting the weight room and studying film, but the biggest thing he needs to work on is his attitude. Do you think you’d see Tom Brady trading jabs with some random guy on Twitter after a bad loss or a bad season? Kaepernick needs to study the off the field habits of the great quarterbacks who have been successful in this league and try his best to emulate them. If he doesn’t, it’s going to antoher long season for the 49ers.

– Ryan

via @SportsCenter 

Blaine Gabbert to the 49ers? K See Ya in Phoenix

The Story Of The First Time You Got Drunk, In 25 GIFs

Who did we need to help us get over the hump? Blaine Fucking Gabbert, that’s who. No chance we lose in the NFC Championship or Super Bowl now. I can’t wait to order my Gabbert jersey and laugh at all the haters when we’re celebrating in Phoenix next February. Oh and in case you need more proof, here are some stats for you:

Career TDs: 22

Career INT: 24

Career passer rating: 66.4%

NO BIG DEAL.

– Ryan

P.S. Does anyone else have their own “Real American” video? Didn’t think so.

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Welcome Back to 49er Land Mr. Boldin

With all the hoopla surrounding Harbaugh and the 49ers brass, we needed a sign from the heavens that this season wasn’t going to be awful. I’ll take a two year deal for the ‘Quan as that sign. I can’t wait to lose in the NFC Championship/Super Bowl this year.

– Ryan

P.S. Hey Pete Carroll

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Ryan’s Music Monday – Don’t Judge Me, I’m in Mourning: Elton John – Candle In The Wind

It’s about to get stuffy in here. The 49ers are the candle in the wind of my life. Three straight years of heartbreak. I’d say I have the Mavs to look forward to, but thinking about that makes me feel worse.

– Ryan

Looks Like the 49ers Are Going to the Superbowl: Gene Steratore Will Be the Head Official For Seahawks/49ers

Source – The four teams that will play for the right to head to the Super Bowl were set last weekend. Now the two referees that will legislate the two conference championship games this weekend are also in place.

According to Mike Pereira of FOX Sports, Gene Steratore and Tony Corrente will be the head officials for the AFC and NFC Championship games on Sunday. Steratore will man the NFC game between the San Francisco 49ers and Seattle Seahawks. Corrente will get the AFC battle between the New England Patriots and Denver Broncos.

Steratore has not yet been assigned to work a Super Bowl in his time as a referee. Corrente was the head referee for Super Bowl XLI between the Indianapolis Colts and Chicago Bears. Corrente also worked the 2009 AFC Championship game between the New York Jets and Indianapolis Colts and the 2000 NFC Championship between the Minnesota Vikings and New York Giants.

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Do we even need to play the game anymore? Seattle and their cheating leader Pete Carrol should just stay in the locker room Sunday night, because if this isn’t a sign from the heavens I don’t know what is. The best and my favorite referee, Gene Steratore, will be the head official in Seattle Sunday night. Most nonchalant ref in the business today. Gorgeous head of hair. You really couldn’t ask for a better start to an NFC title game with your hated rival.

Prediction: 49ers 63 Seattle -4

– Ryan

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