The Average Nobodies

By now I’m sure you’ve heard the news about Robert Kraft. The Patriots owner was caught on tape at a Florida spa engaging in “sexual acts”, which is grown up speak for hand and mouth stuff. The opinions on this have ranged from “who cares” to “blind outrage” with some in the middle probably only upset because Kraft owns the Patriots and everybody needs a reason to hate the Pats.

I’m not here to be the moral authority on this subject. I personally could care less, but it’s definitely not a good look for Kraft’s public image. That’s the bad side. The good side? I’ll have Dave from King Savage media explain.

So I received a cool tip today about Robert “Bob” Kraft, the owner of the New England Patriots.  Or as he shall henceforth be know: the guy who was arrested for prostitution.
 
As you may or may not know, prostitution is legal in the Dominican Republic. With that knowledge, I pulled a few strings and called my friend Marco over at DR Nights, a sex resort in the Dominican Republic, and made him aware that Bob Kraft was arrested for prostitution.
 
DR Nights would like to offer Robert Kraft a complimentary night at it’s world famous sex resort.
 
“There is no reason to get arrested for solicitation of prostitution, Mr. Kraft,” said Marco, a representative of DR Nights.  “Here, in the Dominican Republic, prostitution is legal, and part of the tourism economy.  We would like to offer Mr Kraft a complimentary night to show him all of what our luxurious resort has to offer.”
 
DR Nights will include multiple companions and a luxurious setting for Mr. Kraft to sample, free of any possible arrests.
 
“We would never like to see something embarrassing like this happen again to Mr. Kraft,” Marco continued.  “Don’t get arrested in your home country; come visit DR Nights in the Dominican Republic, and stay in our resort, not a jail cell.  We have real-life sisters, I’d choose that over jail everyday.” 
 
Well there you have it folks, DR Nights is officially the best place on earth for sex if sisters is your thing. 
 
Marco told me to tell Bob Kraft to call him and he would take it from there.  So I’m telling the Internet to make it happen so Bob Kraft calls Marco, the charges get dropped, Bob gets a polite rendezvous with sisters, the PATRIOTS WIN THEIR 7th SUPERBOWL, and hell doesn’t freeze over.
 
Kraft, or any member of his team, is welcome to contact DR Nights, at https://www.drnights.com/2841.html .
 
DR Nights said anyone is welcome to enjoy the packages as well:  https://www.drnights.com/2841.html.
Airfare is not included.  

Hands down my favorite part of that press release is the “airfare is not included” part, as if that is the biggest worry when you’re contemplating going to a Dominican sex resort.

Robert Kraft may soon be a convict, but thanks to Doctah Dave and DR Nights, he may also be a international sex hero.

-Ryan