Category Archives: Monster Blog Wednesday
We here at the Average Nobodies are not what you would call “good catholic boys”. As adolescents, we spent most Sundays in Sunday school until we realized we could bet on football and play softball instead. Sure, we show face at Christmas and Easter, but the big man upstairs (Bill Paxton) can’t be happy about that. That’s why we are taking Lent so seriously this year. It’s time to get back in the good graces of the church by giving up something for 40 days and 40 nights.
The Office/Parks and Recreation on Netflix
Let me explain. I’m not crazy, I promise. I am consistently labeled as a not-so-tough critic. I like most TV shows and I hardly ever find faults in movies (I’m an optimistic guy, sue me! Not you, Danica Patrick, you’ve done enough). In order to rebuild my reputation as the media tastemaker of a generation (I gave that title to myself), I need to realize my faults. Which brings me to my Lent pick. I am a culprit of staying inside my safe zone. I fall into the trap of only consuming media I know I will like. So I need to stop going back to crutches like Parks and Recs and The Office and try stuff outside my comfort zone. These 40 days are going to be trying on my spirit, but I know I can get through it. Like the great Michael Scott once said: “The worst thing about prison are the dementors”.
Beer & Alcohol
Full disclosure: I gave up beer for Lent last year and it went terribly. When I would go out to a bar or restaurant, instead of drinking beer, I would switch to hard alcohol, but I would still drink at the same pace as if I were drinking beer. I refer back to it as my dark place. But 2017 is a new year, and I’ m approaching Lent with a little more maturity. I also painstakingly mapped out the next 40 days to make sure I wasn’t missing out on any fun drinking holidays/events. The conclusion: I’m giving up beer AND alcohol for Lent this year. No Busch Light. No Jameson. No Sky Masteron’s. I’m going clean and pure for the next 40 days and 40 nights. Except wine. I wouldn’t want to upset Jesus by not drinking his delicious, oaky blood.
What are your Lent picks? Call, and leave a voicemail (401-285-8120) telling us what you’re giving up and we will play it LIVE on the Average Nobodies Podcast.
Okay, here’s the deal. For those of you who don’t know, or don’t care, Rhode Island recently did an overhaul of their branding and image. The government, specifically the governor’s office, spent and obscene amount of money on a new logo, slogan and website update as a part of this new look for The Ocean State. The slogan: “Cooler & Warmer”, which doesn’t really have a ring to it at all, i’m actually not even sure what it means. Cooler like “hey man that’s cool”, or is it cooler like temperature? Regardless of whatever the meaning or double meaning might be that’s just way too much thing for a slogan. If it needs to be explained, then it probably isn’t going to work. If I was a family ready to pick a spot for a nice summer vacation and I happened to discover that Rhode Island’s state slogan, the thing that is trying to draw me in, is “Warmer & Cooler” I probably would avoid it at all costs. No way I’m exposing my family to a state that picked that kind of BS as their catchphrase. So what should be the new “new” slogan? Here’s our hot take and new slogans for Rhode Island.
Rhode Island: An Ocean of Possibilities
Not bad, right? That cost me $0 and took me literally 7 minutes to come up with. Before I get into my slogan, I want to take some time and bash the new official slogan. Cooler & Warmer. You know what’s ‘cooler and warmer’? Literally everywhere. Every place on this god damn Earth is at one time cool or warm. Those are really the only temperatures things can be. Technically yes places can be ‘cold or hot’ but it’s pretty much the same thing. Not only are we the smallest state, but apparently our Governor has the smallest brain. If you’re spending $5 million on something and that’s what you come up with, you’re an idiot. You could have bought a $5 million car with that kind of money.
Back to my slogan: I was going to go the funny route, but I kind of wanted to prove how easy it is to come up with a slogan for a place that used to be called The Ocean State. Do you know how many people living in the middle of the country are jealous of Rhode Islanders? We have beautiful beaches 45 minutes away, and that’s if you live on the other side of the state. That’s the main reason people come here and that’s the main reason summers here are so great. It’s not the perfect slogan, but there’s no such thing as perfect, so why not just go with the obvious and then put something about hope in there? People love hope. Now, no slogan is complete without a picture that sums up that slogan, and luckily I came prepared. Read it and weep.
Rhode Island: Not Long Island
I can’t tell you how many times i’ve introduced myself to someone, told them where i’m from and they respond “oh yes, New York”. No, actually there is a pretty sizable state separating us from New York. Am I taking crazy pills or is everybody outside the northeast just writing our tiny state off? I know we haven’t been known for the best things (maybe our slogan should be “Mobsters and Lobsters” [saw that somewhere, not my own]) and maybe those things have sent us into such a deep downward spiral that no matter how hard we try to change our image we are always going to fuck things up. Case and point, the awful slogan we just came up with. It’s hard to believe that we hired the same media company that did New York’s mega popular “I Heart New York” campaign. Things must have gone downhill since then, because this slogan is just crap. Not to mention we have one of the most prestigious art schools in the country, why not pull some ideas from there? I’m pretty sure RISD could have come up with a better logo than the shark fin/sail with Easter weekend pastel colors. It looks like a bad bank logo.
If nobody outside our own citizens were vacationing here before, they definitely won’t be now, so let’s at least change our slogan to something useful. Rhode Island: Not Long Island.
-Matt the Rat
With the Oscars a little over a week away, it’s time to get a fresh back of movies into the theaters for next year’s telecast. While most of the movies that get released between now and next year’s show will not be Oscar material, that doesn’t mean that we won’t try and see them all. Here are out most anticipated movies of 2016.
2016 might eventually go down as the year of the comic book movie (Batman vs. Superman, Suicide Squad, Deadpool) but I’m venturing off the comic book path for my pick. I’ve already blogged the trailer and raved about the cast but Triple 9 looks amazing. I’d watch a bank heist movie with a cast of elderly men who lost their ability to speak, so it’s safe to say that I’m really going to enjoy this movie. Also, this could be one of the movies that brings Norman Reedus to Hollywood full time and seals the fate of Daryl Dixon. This movie is going to be so good it has Walking Dead implications! The best part about this movie? It comes out in 8 days, so you’ll only have to wait a little bit longer.
10 Cloverfield Lane
Does J.J. know how to do a trailer or does J.J. know how to do a fucking trailer! To be completely honest, i’m not sure what happened or what I was seeing in the first Cloverfield movie, and after watching this trailer i’m still not 100% percent sure they are even linked. Having said that, Macho Man in his prime couldn’t stop me from seeing this movie. It comes out in a few weeks and I’m super interested to see what mystery box J.J. has for us this time.
P.S. Is that the chick from Final Destination 3? INSTANT CLASSIC, best of the 6 movies for sure.
P.P.S. John Goodman gets better with age, like a fine wine…..or maybe more like an old sneaker that you just can’t throw out because of all the good times you’ve had together. You thought for sure that pair of sneakers were gone, but now that you’ve found them, you can’t help but wear them all the time.
The Pro Bowl. What used to be a kind of cool tradition has turned into a popularity contest wrapped into 3 hours of “who gives a shit” television. Never fear! The Average Nobodies have a fix for this bore-fest. Here are our modifications to the Pro Bowl that will either end it abruptly or keep it going for years to come.
5v5 Flag Football
Each NFL team selects 5 players from either the starting lineup or their practice squad and heads to Hawaii for a little flag football tourney. Limiting injuries, while still making it fun is key to the Pro Bowl. “But Matt, the two teams that will be playing in the Super Bowl won’t participate.” That’s an easy fix. The two open slots will be filled by the two teams in the amateur tournament that happens the day before.
No run plays, only hail Mary pass plays, the flags are coated with pam cooking spray and touchdowns don’t count unless you do a 5 minute celebration dance. The refs are their to sign your touchdown points from a 1 to 10 scale depending on how good your celebration is.
You want to get the ratings up for the pro bowl? Make it like an athletic version of the purge. Make the tickets free for fans because if they go there’s a chance they’re gonna get murdered. 2 hours of pure mayhem, with each player getting to bring weapon to the dance. Most of these guys hate each other anyways, right? You’re telling me if Josh Norman brought a trident and Odell Beckham Jr. brought a grenade you wouldn’t tune into the Pro Bowl to see what happens? You may tell yourself you wouldn’t watch, but deep down you’re just as deranged as the rest of us. Also, ‘Guns’ Hochuli as the referee and when I say referee I mean hes just there to confirm the murders.
Forbes recently released their newest Billionaires list, and besides it making us incredibly sad, it also showcased some names that we’ve been fans of for years. Sports team owners, movie legends, CEOs; the Billionaires list is a who’s who of people that are way better at their jobs than you and I will ever be. In the spirit of monster blogging, we decided to each pick our favorite Billionaire on the list along with a little explanation of why we feel they’re the best Billionaire in the world.
He may be #603 on the Forbes list of Billionaires, but he’s number one in my heart. Not only does he own my favorite basketball team (Dallas Mavericks). He cashed in on his tech business ventures with Yahoo in 1999 to become a Billionaire, but he didn’t stop there. He invested his money in the aforementioned Dallas Mavericks, and has been helping entrepreneurs ever since, most recently with his TV show Shark Tank. Cuban, who used to be a nose bleed season ticket holder for the Mavericks, now sits courtside at every game he can, and due to win at all costs mentality, brought the Mavericks their first NBA Championship in franchise history in 2011. While I didn’t research this thoroughly, I’m pretty sure Mark Cuban was the only Billionaire on the list to be put through a table by WWE superstar Sheamus.
PayPal, Tesla Motors, FUCKING ROCKETSHIPS?! Is there anything that this guy can’t do? No seriously, i’m pretty sure he is just going take over Mars once his program gets the green light. Let’s look over his accomplishments: First, funds and develops the most widely used payment service in the world, PayPal. He isn’t done there, not by a long shot. In 2002, when everyone else was taking money away from space programs he decided to start the company called SpaceX. No big deal, he pretty much privatised rocketships. And when rockets weren’t enough he took on his most ambitious effort yet, Tesla Motor Company. Named after the father of modern-day electricity, Tesla Motors has taken the electric car market and zoomed it into the future. No longer are electric cars synonymous with weakness. If you ask me who my favorite billionaire is i’m going to say Elon Mush 100% of the time. He is a visionary who is single handedly advancing humankind. Elon FTW.
The “stars” for Dancing With The Stars season 20 were just announced, and they’re something. Suzanne Somers, Rumer Willis, Patti LaBelle, Michael Sam; I could literally go on and on, but I think you get the point. DWTS is fun enough, but The Average Nobodies aren’t the kind of people who see an idea and stop there; we see an idea and think ‘how can this idea be better’? In that spirit, we decided to tweak the DWTS concept and instead of a professional dancer paired up with a “celebrity”, we would insert ourselves into the dance routine and bring in some real star power. Ryan with George Clooney? Matt with Elon Musk? The choices are literally endless. Here are our ideal DWTS partners:
He may have lost a step, but Christopher Walken has been busting a move longer than I’ve been alive. Simply put, he’s a dancing machine, and if there’s two things you need to succeed on DWTS it’s the ability to do a bunch of different dances and fearlessness. Nobody is more fearless (or insane) than Christopher Walken. I’m a little skeptical of his ability to move around after watching the live Peter Pan special, but luckily for C-Walk, I have some dance moves of my own. Maybe we do the salsa, maybe we do the Charleston, maybe we sit in a chair and stare at the audience; when you’re with Christopher Walken, you can get away with anything. If I’m being honest, unless Alfonso Ribeiro is on the show, the title is up for grabs, so I’m very confident that we’ll be in the finals when that day comes around. Fogarty/Walken ’16!
WWF Superstar Chyna
Our dancing partnership is based solely on two things: power and agility. While I may not have either one of those traits former WWF vixen, Chyna, has them in spades. Here is how I see our routines going: I come out and bust a few of my signature moves, maybe a few pop and locks sprinkled over a rhythmic pounding of the dance floor by my size 13 shoe. **Enter Chyna** We meet center stage and begin to waltz (her leading of course). From there we treat the rest of the routine like a Cirque Du Soleil show with Chyna tossing me all over the place. We finish with the move from Dirty dancing, but this time I take over and lift her (I have experience).
December 31st. The day everyone says “tomorrow will be different”. Well we no better; tomorrow will be the same thing. The only difference between tonight and tomorrow is tonight we’ll be drinking beer and tomorrow we’ll be drinking mimosas. But for all you dreamers out there who really want to believe that the new year signifies bigger and better things, we’re not here to rain on your parade. Nobody likes a rainy parade, and we understand that. After all, we’re the Average Nobodies; we’re just like you. In the spirit of New Years Eve, we each came up with a New Years Resolution, something we hope to improve upon in 2015. Happy New Year!
Drink More Pickle Juice
Last weekend I had a pickle back shot: a shot of Jameson with a pickle juice chaser, and I think it changed my life. I’m not much of a whiskey drinker, but with a pickle juice chaser, the taste of Jameson was immediately out of my mouth and I was ready to roll. I sang a kick ass version of ‘Let’s Get It On’ on karaoke and the world was mine after that. Plus, according to Medical Daily, pickle juice is a hangover cure, it rebuilds electrolytes post workout, it’s a PMS remedy and it’s great for heartburn relief (3 out of 4 isn’t bad). In Ryan’s world, 2015 will be known as the year of the pickle.
Do More Cartwheels
Everyone talking about “LESS” this time of year; “I will eat less candy”, “I will swear less”, I will push less people out of moving cars”…etc. BUT, my new years resolution is to do MORE. More of what? More cartwheels. I have never been described as “agile” or “swift”, but once I get that first hand to the pavement you might think I’ve been doing gymnastics my whole life. Cartwheels have always been a passion of mine, but I have spent a lifetime hiding them from the world. Gender inequality, pure embarrassment, broken furniture? Call it how you see it, but the only person stopping me from cartwheeling is myself, but NO MORE! 2015 will be the year of the cartwheel.
Halloween is one of the few holidays that evolve as you get older. Easter, Christmas and Thanksgiving pretty much stay the same no matter how old you get: you hang with your family, you eat too much food, you watch whatever sport is on at the time. Halloween changes drastically from childhood to adult hood. When your a kid, you loved dressing up and going trick or treating (unless you’re one of those really cool people who hate Halloween). You ate to so much candy that you got sick to your stomach but it was totally worth it, because candy is amazing. As you grow up, Halloween becomes the night you dress and go to Halloween parties and drink too much. It’s usually a blast; without adult Halloween parties we’d never have the chance to break up a fight between a member of the Mighty Ducks and a ghost. One part of Halloween that doesn’t change are horror movies. Horror movies and Halloween go together like lamb and tuna fish, and you can’t have a great (or successful) horror movie without a great a villain. Here are our favorite horror movie villains.
Damien Thorn – The Omen
I will never look at children the same way after watching this movie. That probably came out weird, but you get the point. Damien from The Omen was the freakiest, weirdest most deranged child in the history of cinema. He’s got nanny’s hanging themselves and SPOILER ALERT: he’s the fucking Anti-Christ. Masked villains are haunting, but to me there is nothing scarier than a demon disguised as a perfectly normal child. When/if I have children, any friends they bring over are going to have to go through rigorous demon testing. Nobody get’s one over on ole’ Ryan.
The Alien – Alien, Aliens, Alien 3, Alien Resurrection, Alien Versus Predator, Prometheus
“In Space No One Can Hear You Scream”. Probably one of the most memorable horror/thriller lines of all time to go along with the most badass horror movie villain to ever grace the silver screen. The Alien from Alien (and a bunch other movies) is a bad mother fucker who would happily rip your heart clean out of your chest without hesitation. You want suspense in a movie? Watch Alien in the dark, go ahead, I DARE you. That shit is scary no matter how many times you watch it and no matter how old you are. Sure, The Alien isn’t supernatural or demonic, but I can guarantee you that if the girl from “The Ring” saw this dude coming out of a TV set she would run to the well from once she came.