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Category Archives: celebrity

The Doctah Diaries: R. Kelly Is Apparently Holding Aspiring Female Musicians Hostage

Before we begin, let’s all hope Dave Chappelle is hard at work on a new R. Kelly scandal song. I’m thinking ‘I’ll Never Let You Fly (The Hostage Song)’ to the beat of ‘ I Believe I Can Fly.

And now, back to the drama.

It has been a longggggggggggggg while since we heard from R&B singer, R. Kelly, and I think I know why.

Kelly has been pleasantly, or unpleasantly, keeping women in a cult.

Couple of things on my mind here before we continue about Mr Kelly

  1. I didn’t know that cults provided food, shelter, and clothing. I thought they only provided Kool-Aid
  2. What’s stopping women from leaving Mr. Kelly if they live in Chicago and Atlanta?  It’s not like they are next door neighbors

But, that’s neither here nor there …

Here’s an excerpt from the article:

Three former members of Kelly’s inner circle—Cheryl Mack, Kitti Jones, and Asante McGee— provided details supporting the parents’ worst fears. They said six women live in properties rented by Kelly in Chicago and the Atlanta suburbs, and he controls every aspect of their lives: dictating what they eat, how they dress, when they bathe, when they sleep, and how they engage in sexual encounters that he records. – Vice

First of all, keywords here are RENT, PARENTS, SEXUAL.  I’ll explain why.

  1. Kelly is renting.  I guess “I Believe I Can Fly” didn’t make enough royalties to buy a home?  Can’t you leave rent agreements freely by calling the police?  What ever happened to that idea?  “Hi Officer, I’m being detained against my will because I won’t pay the rent, will you come arrest somebody.”  Try that.
  2. Parents normally fear for their children’s lives.  Understandable.  However, they don’t go to the press – they go to the cops.  This is why I believe this is just terrible PR management and R. Kelly is just trying to make a comeback, and his publicist was just like “hey Rob, let’s run with the sex thing, tell your [expletives] they each get 50k.”.
  3. Let’s see.  How about if he’s really being a dick, you can technically bite his tallywacker right off and claim temporary insanity, domestic abuse, and self defense all in one defense and BAM you’ll be that girl, but you’ll be … how do you say it … FREE

The truth is, this R. Kelly mess is just a big made up scam by his publicist in a desperate attempt to free R. Kelly’s soul.

On the other hand, let’s talk about the happy days when you didn’t know R. Kelly liked to perform golden showers and make females hang out with him against their will. Remember little Michael Jordan’s dad saying “And when you’re all done with that … I suppose … youre gonna fly, huh?” and Jordan dunking the ball? Oh the times, they have changed. But now you know where all that Space Jam money went, and obviously it’s not enough for Mr. Kelly because he can’t purchase a damn mansion and store his collective females there.

Oh, Lord, this has been one hell of a day.  I need a ZIMA.  Google it.

Stay Classy my Nobodies.  Until we meet again.

~The Doctah~

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Kid Rock Might Be Running For Senate, Because Nothing Matters Anymore

This honestly didn’t shock me. Donald Trump is the leader of the free world, so it’s going to take a little more than Kid Rock running for US Senate to actually shock me. The reason I want to bring this to everyone’s attention is because the Kid Rock for Senate website is a NATIONAL TREASURE. First off, here’s the header image:

I appreciate Kid Rock asking if we’re scared right off the bat, and the answer is yes, I’m petrified that someone like him would wield any true power. Back to the picture. As we talked about on last night’s podcast, this is a picture you could look at for hours and continually find something new to talk about. He’s wearing typical Kid Rock clothes, which consists of a leather shirt/jacket, jeans and some type of terrible hat. I say shirt/jacket because it’s clearly not just a shirt, but it’s also too thin to be a jacket. As you may have already noticed, he’s sitting next to a taxidermy moose.

I was going to try and find some type of symbolism for the moose, but I really just think it’s something he owns that was put there. Under the moose is a picture of George Washington, and above him are old timey looking documents that I’m sure have no relevance whatsoever. He definitely just got those at a yard sale. By far the best part of the picture is the trophy case behind him, clearly showcasing his little league baseball trophies. I don’t know what that has to do with running for senate, but if his slogan turns out to be ‘Make Little League Baseball Great Again’ you know where it all started from.

The current slogans on his site range from ‘In Rock We Trust’ (not bad) to ‘Pimp of the Nation’ (oh God why) and he’s also selling t-shirts, lawn signs, trucker hats and bumper stickers. What I’m saying is you need to go check out his website right now.

-Ryan

Conor McGregor Literally Wore A Fuck You Suit To The Mayweather Press Conference

Conor McGregor has no shot of beating Floyd Mayweather on August 26th. I’m not a diehard boxing or MMA fan, but it doesn’t take a human genius to tell you that a world class boxer is going to defeat a world class MMA fighter in a boxing match. With that said, I don’t know how you root for anyone other than Conor McGregor. He’s just as arrogant and insufferable as Mayweather at times, but he’s also someone who will wear a suit with the words ‘fuck you’ printed all over it. That’s so great. If it was anyone else, I’d say that they’re milking up all this publicity even though they know they’re going to lose, but I don’t think McGregor thinks that. He’s crazy enough to think he can win, but even if he doesn’t, he’s going down in a blaze of glory.

-Ryan

Andy Serkis Reading Donald Trump’s Tweets As Gollum Is Magical

Reading and following Donald Trump’s Twitter account prior to November 8th was a roller coaster, but now that he’s the leader of the free world, it’s frightening. He rarely makes sense, which is not something you’d prefer to be the main talking point of a world leader. Andy Serkis joined Stephen Colbert last night and brought a bit of levity to the whole ‘Donald Trump is probably going to end us all’ storyline by reading some of Trump’s tweets as Gollum. Skip ahead to the 4:00 minute to listen. Also, I’ll take Andy Serkis as Gollum as Trump’s new Press Secretary immediately.

-Ryan

In Shocking News, Alec Baldwin’s Blind Movie Character Is Not Being Well Received

In the upcoming drama Blind, due out July 14, Alec Baldwin stars as a visually impaired novelist who, after the fatal car crash that left him without his wife or his vision, begins to rediscover life and his writing.

The Ruderman Family Foundation, an advocacy group for those with disabilities, has come out against the movie’s choice to cast Baldwin as blind man, saying on their Facebook page that they are disappointed with the casting, adding that the production is “once again overlooking the opportunity to cast actors with disabilities.”

Foundation chairman Jay Ruderman elaborated to the Los Angeles Timessaying: “We no longer find it acceptable for white actors to portray black characters. Disability as a costume needs to also become universally unacceptable.”

Blind is the latest Hollywood movie to be condemned by disability groups for a lack of disabled talent in stories about disability. – Hollywood Reporter

Welp, Matt and I could’ve told you this was going to happen. Actually, we did tell you this was going to happen.

If you scroll to the 15:45 mark in the above video, we talked about the trailer for Blind on our podcast and how Alec Baldwin playing a blind guy was not only hysterical, but it would absolutely cause backlash from advocacy groups. Here we are a month later, and an advocacy group for people with disabilities is slamming the casting choice. I certainly understand where the advocacy group is coming from: it’s extremely frustrating to continue to tell stories about people with disabilities yet casting those roles with people who do not have those disabilities.

On the other hand, Hollywood is not going to cast a random blind guy in a movie called Blind. They’re just not. Hollywood isn’t the place for progressive views on a lot of things, and blind people are now on the list. You might as well be searching for gold in a place that has ‘WE DON’T HAVE GOLD’ signs posted everywhere. Is it fair? I don’t think so, but if you think a movie studio is going to put millions of dollars into a movie and cast a real life blind person just to please an advocacy group, you’re going to be pretty upset with the end result.

-Ryan

George Clooney Just Sold His Casamigos Tequila Company For 1 BILLION Dollars

George Clooney is selling his tequila company Casamigos to Diageo for as much as $1 billion, the company said Wednesday.

“If you asked us four years ago if we had a billion dollar company, I don’t think we would have said yes,” Clooney told CNBC via email. “This reflects Diageo’s belief in our company and our belief in Diageo. But we’re not going anywhere. We’ll still be very much a part of Casamigos. Starting with a shot tonight. Maybe two.”

Diageo said it will initially pay $700 million, with the potential for another $300 million based on the tequila’s performance over 10 years. The transaction is expected to close during the second half of 2017.

Diageo doesn’t expect the deal to add to its earnings until its fourth year. In the first three years, the brand will not have any impact on earnings

Clooney and co-owners Rande Gerber and Michael Meldman are expected to stay with the company after its acquisition. – CNBC

Classic Clooney

It’s no secret that I’m a big guy Clooney fan. I’ve written about him an uncomfortable amount of times on the blog. I blogged when he started his tequila company (luckily I did not get addicted to tequila). I blogged when he got married. Usually I just found a reason to write an article about him because he’s a such a cool mother fucker. It turns out in addition to being cool, he’s also an extremely smart businessman, because he just sold his Casamigos tequila company for what could amount to $1 billion. I understand  power of name value, but name value alone doesn’t net you a billion dollar deal. In classic Clooney fashion, he celebrated with a shot (or two) but will stay with the company and help it continue to thrive. Check back here in 2020 when Clooney sells his tequila to the owner of the moon for a trillion dollars.

-Ryan

You Probably Had A Better Memorial Day Than Tiger Woods

Photo: TMZ

In the words of the famous Chris Rock, “Tiger, Tiger Woods, Ya’ll.”  It seems Tiger may be falling off the wagon.  First it was his beautiful wife, and now he’s going to lose his license (sad face).  Woods was arrested last night and was pretty arrogant and uncooperative with the law according to the always truthful and reliable TMZ.

Woods refused a breathalizer, which means your lawyer can’t really help you.  At least if he blew, an attorney would be able to say he has a rare genetic condition that amplifies the toxicity of the alcohol in his blood where he really only was a .006 but it blew well over .01

His “people” have been calling the cops asking if the arresting officer had a bodycam.

Woods has a previous DUI arrest that was caused by an unfortunate mixture of Ambien and his ex wife Elin Nordegren.  That resulted in the infamous “YOU CHEATED ON ME!” blowout.

Woods is sad.  It’s obvious.  He can’t play golf because he’s injured, but at this point he’s a danger on the road, or the road may be a danger to him.  We’ve all driven drunk, but don’t drive drunk, sad – that’s how you drive into a tree.

We hope Woods gets the help that he needs and we’d like to extend an Average Nobodies Hoorah for his support — “Hoorah!”

Woods has released a statement saying the erratic driving was due to a mixture of pain medications. Hopefully the truth will set Eldrick free.

Till we meet again folks, stay fucking classy, and remember, if no one else loves you like Tiger, Jesus/Muhammed/Allah/Jah loves you.

~ The Doctah

Tom Cruise Confirmed The Top Gun Sequel Will Begin Filming Next Year #TopGun2

Tom Cruise is going back to the danger zone of Top Gun.

The star confirmed Tuesday during an Australian TV interview that he will begin shooting the much-discussed sequel to the 1986 classic Top Gun.

“It’s true,” Cruise repeated to the apparently surprised newscaster. “I’m going to start probably in the next year. I know, it’s happening. It’s definitely happening.

“You’re the first people I’ve said it to, you asked me and so I’m telling you,” the star added. – USA Today

Name me a movie besides Top Gun that made it look cool to fly fighter jets AND play volleyball in skin tight jeans? You can’t, because only the Tom Cruise/Anthony Edwards/Val Kilmer led film did that, and it did it with flair. Cruise was currently promoting his new Mummy movie when he casually mentioned that he would begin shooting the Top Gun sequel at some point next year, 32 years after the original film was the highest grossing movie in 1986. I LOVE Top Gun, and it’s one of those classic 80’s movies that is ridiculously re-watchable. I’ve watched it in my living room and I’ve watched it on the top deck of a cruise ship on a giant projector, and it’s the same great movie every time. Maverick is going to need a new Goose, but at least Iceman should be able to reprise his role. Let’s see what Val Kilmer’s been up to…

Oh my.

-Ryan

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