Category Archives: Average Blog Posts
Average Blog Posts
Blogs in this category (Average Blog Posts) have not been put into a category. This is where you can read a backlog of all Average Nobodies blogs.
Bloggers. Wrestling Enthusiasts. Beer drinkers. Movie Quoters. We have our cake and eat it too. Ryan Fogarty and Matt Vieira are The Average Nobodies.
A Slash Above The Rest [Evil Dead Review]
Having been able to see the world premiere of this movie in Austin, with the cast and crew, was an absolute dream! I had been disappointed with horror films over the last few years, and was very reluctant to see this classic horror movie reboot. All the “don’t kill a classic” clichés were dancing in my head. That being said, I couldn’t have been more wrong. With this movie, the horror genre has finally caught up with the rest of cinema. This film is truly a sight for sore eyes, both in gore (they used 10,000 gallons of fake blood) and cinematics. Balance that with a solid storyline and above-par acting, you have a film you can’t miss. Hats off to you Fede, I look forward to your next film!
I am assuming that this will be coming out on DVD and Blu-ray sometime mid-summer. PLEASE, do yourself a favor and get the Blu-ray. This is a great looking film that deservers the 1080p treatment. Maybe when it comes out my wimp friends will watch it.
I give it a solid 8.75 Matt Stars (more on these later)
P.S. If you can still see it in theaters stay after the credits ………….Groovy
Kyle Love Has Everything but Love for the Pats. (See what I did there)
DT Kyle Love was recently cut from the New England Patriots presumably due to a test that confirmed he was diabetic. Almost directly afterwards, the Jacksonville Jaguars picked him up. And now he’s pissed. I guess I can understand that. That’s kind of like getting fired from Google to go work for McDonald’s and there is nothing you can do about it.
But he took it further. He’s quoted as saying “That’s how they [The Patriots] run their business up there; veteran guys who have been there for years and put in a lot of work get treated like rookies.”
He’s bitching that the Pats let him go for a non football related designation.
Also today in New England football news an all-time Patriots favorite was elected into the Pats hall of fame today. You may have heard of him, Teddy Bruschi.
Now I know what you’re thinking, “but, Sean Lite, why did you all the sudden switch to the Bruschi story.” Well, my friends, because Theodore also suffered from a non-football related designation*. A STROKE.
So Kyle Love, perhaps it wasn’t you’re newly discovered condition and simply because the team decided it was time for you to go. If the Patriots thought Teddy was okay after a god damn stroke I’m sure they would’ve given you a chance if you were worth it. Enjoy Jacksonville Mr. Love.
*A stroke could probably be considered a football related injury but fuck that because that kills my argument and Teddy B. is awesome.
-Sean Lite-
If I Won The Lottery
I’m 100% sure that everyone has had the “If I won the lottery…” argument with their friends at one point or another. This past weekend some jamoke in Florida took home 600 mil, and while i’m also sure that they don’t deserve it like I do, I would like to share with you my own personal, “If I won the lottery…” story.
If I won the lottery, yeah I’d do the whole houses, cars, clothes, and crazy parties deal, but there’s something else I’d do first. I’m not necessarily the most flashy guy in the world, you can ask my friends, I rotate through the same 5-7 shirts and 3 pairs (one red) of jeans each week. Another thing I’m not? Mentally stable, is a good answer. Even though my current job is the last place I’d like to be, I’m dying to (re)gain complete independence from my parents. Therefore, upon discovering my golden ticket, I would become a ghost for 3-4 weeks. No one would know my whereabouts. I would take the time to evaluate every single expense my parents have compounded since I was conceived. I would take these expenses and break them down into food, activities, housing, etc. and for each year of my life I would put a dollar amount next to these items, essentially creating and itemized list of what it’s cost for my existence from conception to present day. Now I’m no mathlete, so the 3-4 weeks is absolutely necessary to figure this out. Then like a caterpillar from the cocoon, I will emerge from the shadows at a circus like press conference to claim my prize. My man/boy dirt beard would be in full effect and I will be wearing my “Free Buddy” t shirt, circa 2006, and claim my prize looking like the biggest bum you’ve ever seen. On that day I will present my parents with a check representing my entire life in dollar signs, along with some cash and a house for each of them to live in because all they do is yell at each other anyway. Same for my sister. The mortgages on the rest of my family members homes would be erased and I’d take my friends on a vacation to hell and back. Maybe I’ll make myself look like a real hero and donate a chunk of change to charity or something too. The icing on the cake would be my trip to WWE headquarters where I’d meet up with Triple H and Shawn Michaels, take a photo of the three of us doing the D-Generation X “suck it” symbol, place it on the tallest billboard of my hometown (which happens to be across the street from my high school), and leave it up there for eternity, it will be my masterpiece.
After that, I will disappear into the night like Clooney after a one night stand. Never to be heard from again. No one will find me, unless I want them to, and I can live with a smile on my face until my dying day. What exactly will I do with the rest of my money? That’s for me to know, and you to not, but what you can be sure of is that I won’t be spending it all on some fancy record player. But until that day comes, I’ll continue to be an asshole, just an asshole that’s kind of handsome, and occasionally has funny things to say.
-Berno
Photographer Wants to Change Her Major to Prison Teacher
We all know Jodi Arias’ story. Girl next door. Growing up living the American dream. Life couldn’t get any better. She met a nice guy with a stable
Job who could support her while she pursued a career in photography.
Things turned sour however when her deep need to teach prisoners resurfaced after years of therapy to help suppress her thirst. Her boyfriend Travis caught the brunt of this relapse when he tried to stop her from tearing the “do not remove” tag off their mattress in order to be sent to jail and, thus, eventually realize her dreams of teaching the incarcerated.
Unfortunately for Trav he was killed in the struggle, but things are looking up for Jodi. Now all she needs to do is
hope the jury understands her thirst to educate convicts and allows her to spend the rest of her life in jail instead of 6 feet under.
Gotta admit, not the easiest way to realize your hopes and dreams but power to you Jodi. You got some real balls.
Get the whole story here.
-Sean Lite-
Top 5 Worst Things You Can Wake Up To
These are the worst thing your peepers can witness in the morning.
Rain
“On the 7th day, while god rested his lazy ass, Satan created rain.” -Matt 3:16. That’s a verse from the good book, right? Nothing takes the wind out of your sails more than waking up in the morning, taking a giant stretch and piss, and looking out the window to find that everything (and in a few minutes you) is soaking wet. If you’re not sure what feeling i’m talking about take a second and think about what it feels like to wake up in the morning and see piles and piles of snow, and realizing that you have no work/school. Good feeling, right? Now think that exact opposite feeling and punch yourself in the face, that’s what rain does to me.
A Cold Shower
Sticking with the water hate, the next thing on my list is a cold shower. Coming from someone who lives with two other dudes that love hot showers as much as me, this is a constant battle. The number one thing that gets me to drag my ass out of bed in the morning is the thought that a few feet from me is paradise. I walk to the bathroom, start the shower, tear my clothes off, and hop in. The water almost always starts as warm, this is the way the demon, that is my hot water heater, lures me in. I lather up, and then BAM, ice cold water. This gets me in a rage, the type of rage that is only curable by a hot water. You can see why this is a horrific start to my day.
Exercise Infomercials
Most days I wake up to my TV as my alarm. If I select the right channel this can be a pleasant surprise upon wakeup. Since I’ve been doing this i’ve woken up to such gems as: Slap Shot, Ace Ventura, 2 Fast 2 Furious, and Varsity Blues. A nice wakeup setlist. But then there are THOSE mornings when I open my eyes to some ripped piece of trash yelling at me to keep my core tight. As far as i’m concerned there should be a law banning exercise infomercials pre-10am. Nothing on this earth makes me feel lazier than laying in my bed, with a possible hand down my pants, watching people do jumping jacks. You’re not motivating me to buy your DVD, You’re motivating me to find out where you live.
You’re out of [insert your favorite breakfast food]
Honey Nut Cheerios is the king of cereals like Bud is the king of beers, and Nick Cage is the king of actors. It has been a staple in my cabinet for years, if not decades. Besides my hot shower this is the second thing on my list of 3 things that get me out of bed in the morning (the third is your mom….ZING) I am pretty absent-minded when it comes to groceries. So for me to forget that i’m out of my favorite cereals happens more than I would like to admit. Not having my Cheerios in the morning throws off my whole day, kinda like how not dressing like an asshole throws off Will Smith’s kid (Have you seen the way he dresses? He’s like the fresh prince of planet strange).
Someone video taping me
This is a true story and I would rather not talk about it. Just lock your doors and don’t have creepy friends and you will be fine.
–Matt
Honorable mentions
Your house is on fire, your leg is asleep, a fan falls on your head, you wake up in a tub..underwater (true story) and your didn’t plug in your phone and now it is dead.
Snapchat is slowly ruining my life
I want to like Snapchat. I really do. But I can’t. I don’t understand its purpose. Do we really need a fourth app to share pictures no one outside of your mother wants to see? Posting a picture of yourself drinking a coronarita on Facebook, Twitter and Instagram isn’t enough. Gotta Snapchat that shit. I’m assuming the conversation between the creators of Snapchat went something like this: Person A – “This generation is really socially awkward and only speak to each other through their phones, how can we turn them into complete robots?” Person B – “If only their was a FOURTH way for people to share pictures and completely ruin our sense of community!” Person A & B – “What about Snapchat!”. The conversation was probably nothing like that, but you get the point. The worst part about this satanic app is that the pictures erase after a few seconds. Why is that bad? When you have friends like mine, Snapchat becomes an endless cycle of people taking a shit and penis pics. ‘Merica.
ESPN poll says Peyton Manning is best QB in the NFL. Really?
This is going to be one of probably thousands of posts we write bashing espn. They suck. Plain and simple. A perfect example of how monopolizing an industry leads to a crappy product. Exhibit A: A Sportscenter poll revealed Peyton Manning as the best QB in the NFL. Now it needs to be known that I’m not a Patriots and/or Tom Brady fan. Is he a short haired angel whose children will one day rule the world with iron fists? Yes he is. But im showing no bias whatsoever when I say he is a better QB than Peyton Manning. He has a stronger arm, a neck that can actually look to the left and a normal sized forehead. Also, there are these things called statistics:
Brady (reg. season): 136-39, 334 TD/ 123 INT, 98.6 QBR
Manning (reg.season): 154-70, 436 TD/209 INT, 95.7 QBR
Pretty goddamn similar, besides the fact that Brady has won 76% of his career starts (how is that even possible), but Manning has played 47 more games, so I’ll give him the benefit of the doubt. But then you have the playoff numbers.
Brady: 17-7, 42 TD/22 INT, 3 super bowls
Manning: 9-11, 32 TD/21INT, 1 super bowl
I know you have to factor in intangibles like their surrounding talent and coaching staff, but its really not a comparison. The worst part is I like Peyton Manning. Hes funny, hes a born leader and hes the definition of a first ballot hall of famer, but on planet Earth, he’s not better than Tom Brady. In the words of Bill Simmons, I will now go light myself on fire. – Ryan
P.S. – I may or may not have written this completely out of spite because Manning chose the Broncos over my 49ers.
How Do I Feel About The Boston Bruins Right Now? Rock Solid
The Boston Bruins currently hold a 2-0 lead in the Eastern Conference Semi Final series against the New York Rangers. I refuse to call it a stranglehold, but I wouldn’t be a fan if I didn’t say how god damn impressed I am with the young (fast) defense that’s been showcased over the first two contests. I don’t claim to know a lot, but when it comes to hockey, I know a lot. Perhaps the physical presence of Ference, Seidenberg, and Redden has been missed, but the speed of the younger, Hamilton, Bartkowski, and Krug is something worth noting. All of a sudden, the power play is clicking, they’re getting shots to the net, and most importantly, breaking the puck out of the defensive zone has looked as smooth as ever. The breakout may be the most overlooked “play” in hockey, and you can take that to the bank. If you get caught in your own zone for an extended period of time, I don’t give a shit who you’re playing, eventually they’ll put the puck in the net. In no way, shape, or form is this downing the three veteran blueliners that have been sidelined due to injury, but the offense and speed that the youngsters are providing give the Bruins a new dimensions that our Eastern Conference foes haven’t seen in Boston for quite some time and it’s something for the fans to get excited about.
I also want to take the time and address the criticism of “bandwagon” Bruins fans. Now, I’ve been a B’s fan since I was a young buck. My old man took me to the Garden, and I mean, THE GARDEN to see our boys battle during a time when the home team wore white. However, I’ll never be the guy to rag on a bandwagon fan, especially in hockey. We need all the help we can get if we want more games televised. It blows my mind that people don’t find hockey exciting. You’re allowed to fight! If there is a fight in any other major sport, ESPN makes a federal case out of it. Everyone and their brother chimes in with what needs to be done to “fix” the game. I don’t know about you, but I can’t stand watching basketball. It’s just plain awful. People rag on hockey players for taking shifts that max out at 2 minutes in length, but when there’s a whistle every two seconds and two hours worth of commercial breaks, basketball players sure do get their time to recover. I don’t quite want to start the engines on my NBA hate train just yet, but put the other long time Bruins fans on notice. This is a time to unite as a fan base, throw on your black and gold, grab 30-40 beers, and cheer on your team. In this case, it’s the Bruins, so if you’re a new fan, and you need a friend…I’m your guy. See you in NYC for game 3. Go B’s
-Berno
