Category Archives: Average Blog Posts

Average Blog Posts

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Bloggers. Wrestling Enthusiasts. Beer drinkers. Movie Quoters. We have our cake and eat it too. Ryan Fogarty and Matt Vieira are The Average Nobodies.

I Love The World’s Strongest Couple

I Love The World's Strongest Couple

Now when I first read this article I wanted to rag on Don and Rosanna. Call them out for being fitness freaks while I stuff a roast beef sandwich down my throat. But I can’t do it. Maybe I’m getting soft, maybe I’m feeling good because my Red Sox are in 1st place, maybe go fuck yourself. All I know is Don Akim and Rosanna Beckett are my new favorite people. I’m not saying I believe certain people possess superhuman abilities, but I absolutely do. The only drawback to this couple is the picture they used for the article, because now I can’t get the thought of them having sex out of my head. Bodyslamming each other all over the bedroom, flexing muscles in places I didn’t even know exisited. A truly horrifying scene. Besides the sex thing, this couple really does have it all. 3 World Fitness Championships? Check. 14 meals a day? Check. Bench-press your child? Motherfuckin’ check. Such a power title too. The World’s Strongest Couple. If I ever get married that’s going on my Christmas card:

Merry Christmas you frumpy pieces of shit.

Love, The World’s Strongest Couple.

P.S. I kind of feel bad for their kid though. Forget hopscotch in the park and duck, duck, goose. Your doing power squats and jumping jacks until you burn off that piece of pizza you had for lunch.

P.P.S. Is Don Akim Tiki Barber’s doppleganger? Has to be.

For the original article, click here

This is About Half as Happy as I am About the Long Weekend

Hey guys, have a great long weekend! Have some fun!

-Sean Lite-

Matt Vieira, Supreme Ruler of The Planet Mars

Mars One is a non profit organization whose mission is to expand human life to other planets. Their CEO and President’s name is Bas Lansdorp and he is insane as the day is long, but I would follow him to the ends of the universe…literally.

The Mars One initiative aims to send humans to Mars…forever. A one-way ticket that will cement you in the history books and forever change your life. The mission will send two males and two females to mars in 2023. The project is an estimated 6 billion dollar undertaking, 3.5 more billions than Curiosity. If you ask me, thats a bargain. Spend the little extra and send some people, that won’t get stuck on rocks or run out of battery, up there. “But Matt!”, you scream from outside my window. “How will they ever pay for this!?” Application fees of course! You silly geese. Applications cost $38 dollars a piece, so that means they only need 157,894,737 people to file applications. Uh…What?? However, Bas Lansdorp does not seem concerned. In a recent interview with Bas (Can I call you Bas?) he said “We have gotten 10,000+ emails already.” Way to see the glass half full, Bas.

Speaking of Mr. optimistic, Bas also said in the same interview “There will be emergencies and deaths. We need to make sure that crew members can continue without those people….it is up to the people on Mars to decide what to do with their dead.” Nothing like putting a little faith and confidence in your crew. I can see the pep talk now……(dream sequence)….”So what we got here is a rocket, not sure if its going to launch or blow up on the pad. Oh, and also, people will die up there so you figure out what to do with the bodies. As far as medicine goes, we have none, we didn’t quite reach our fundraising goal. In a couple years, if this hasn’t folded, we might send more people, but don’t count on it. Oh yea and go fuck yourself.” Just a complete “shits gonna happen” type locker room speech. But like I said, this wouldn’t stop me. The only thing that would make me want to go more is if Bruce Willis was the captain of shuttle.

Personally, I am ready to send in my application and video. And If I do get selected, here is my plan. I get up there on the red rock and. I. Go. Rogue. Just causing a ruckus and claiming Mars for myself. Have you ever been King of an entire planet? No you haven’t, but I will. SUCKERS.

-MattyV

Here is the welcome video on their site. If this doesn’t get you hard for exploring the universe then I feel bad for you.

P.S. When asked if Bas would like to join this mission to Mars he responded, “I have a really nice girlfriend, and she doesn’t want to come with me, so I’m staying right here.” Strong move, Bas, chivalry isn’t dead after all.

As Far as the Future is Concerned, Color Me Ecstatic!

NASA is now leasing out its shuttle launch pad to commercial operators. I absolutely cannot wait until I make my millions, rent this bad boy for a night and have an absolute rager. Just dancing the night away on a piece of American history that has supported 90 space missions since 1967. And when NASA is wondering what exactly I’ll be launching off of this pad, my answer will be my brand new 2015 flying car that is currently promised to be on the market in less than two years. The future is here people and damn is it exciting.

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These cars/jets are said to be able to take off vertically, you know what that means? Fuck traffic and, more importantly, road blocks. “Oh traffic ahead? No worries”. I’ll just push this button and boom I’m 200 feet up flipping off the conventional motorists with their puny land-dwelling Ferraris and Porches heading to my birthday party/rager at Cape Canaveral!

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Leave your keys at the door people, because if driving drunk is a bad idea, I have to imagine flying drunk is about a million times worse.

-Sean Lite-

P.S. With one of these bad boys in my garage, I’ll be afraid of lobsters when they sprout wings.

Grab Your Pitch Forks and Melt Your Butter: When Humans Fall, Lobsters Will Inherit The Earth

“As best scientists can tell, lobsters age so gracefully they show no measurable signs of aging: no loss of appetite, no change in metabolism, no loss of reproductive urge or ability, no decline in strength or health. Lobsters, when they die, seem to die from external causes.” – NPR

Here is what I know to be true: The sky is blue, grass is green, Norah Jones is an American treasure, and Lobsters will take over planet Earth.  I was recently scanning NPR, as I do almost never, and I came across an article that caught my eye.  It was a interview between, NPR reporter, Robert Krulwich and Boston University Professor and Biologist, Jelle Atema.  Listen to the whole interview here.  The gist of the article, and the major point I took from it, is that Lobsters CANNOT DIE.  They show no measurable signs of aging, loss of appetite, and most importantly…reproducing.  These lobsters are fuckin’ well into there 200’s.  Professor Atema suggests that the only times we see lobsters die are external causes*.

I don’t know about you but this worries me, this worries me a lot.  Imagine what thousands of years of being hunted and eaten will do to you? They have to be pissed.  What if for all the time they’ve been on this Earth they have developing breathing apparatus’s to help them survive on land?  What if they want to be caught and they sacrifice millions of their own kind a year to lobster pots and Legal Seafoods in the name of lobster science!  This frightens me, and it should frighten you too.

Here is my plan and I urge all of you to follow.

2969902958_96b0cd1068_z We must dress as the lobster.  Then, and only then, will we avoid what is coming to us. -Mattyv

P.S. For all those people on the cockroach bandwagon, I will take my 22 pound lobster against an army of roaches any day of the week and twice on Thursday.

*When I am  mercilessly stuffing my face with these tasty critters

UPDATE: I just received a BBC article from Seanlite highlighting how “A strain of cockroaches in Europe has evolved to outsmart the sugar traps used to eradicate them.” Wonderful…we are all fucked.

Yoko Ono is Insane

For those of you who don’t know, Yoko Ono is an important historical figure. Is she an 80 year old Japanese woman? Yes, yes she is. But she was also married to John Lennon, fought for world peace and female equality, and when you type her name in google, the first search term that comes up is “yoko ono grapefuit”. Also, she’s insane, and I have the tweets to prove it. It’s Friday, lets explore twitter through the eyes of Yoko Ono.

@yokoono: We are sky people as well as being earthlings. Remember we are all walking in the sky every day as well as on earth.

Are we though? Are we really sky people? Also, calling people “earthlings” doesn’t help the fact that people already think your from another planet. I think two tweets is enough for this week, but I hope Yoko’s inspiration gets you through your Friday. And Yoko, don’t you ever stop tweeting, you crazy son of a bitch.

-Ryan

This Guy Is Pissed At You Because You Pronounce ‘GIF’ Wrong

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Shame on you. You’ve officially pissed off Steve Wilhite, the inventor of ‘Gifs’ or ‘Jifs’ as he says it’s pronounced. Is it just me or does this guy looks like he literally has a stick up his ass at all times. This grumpy old man (classic movie) is even calling out the Oxford English Dictionary. And get this, he invented the GIF 26 years ago. I feel as though if people pronounce a word, or in this case an acronym, wrong for 26 years you’ve officially lost the battle Stevey.

You know for a second I was on this guy’s side. It’s his baby, his creation, and quite frankly I’m no stranger to mispronunciation. My name’s Sean, I’m 24, and to this day I’m told I spell my name wrong. And it doesn’t help to have a big time actor like Sean Bean around, because damn, is it ‘Shon Bon’ or ‘Seen Bean’? But after 24 years, what’s the point of fighting it. Get over it guy, you just accepted a webby for your creation. By the way shouldn’t there be like a statute of limitations on accepting awards for things? Imagine if Eddie Murphy and Dan Aykroyd won an Oscar for trading places 26 years after it came out? (That’d be sweet) But I digress.

And here’s the kicker, he named it after one of the three staple foods for a computer programmer. Jiffy peanut butter. The other two being Pepsi and nacho cheese Doritos. (I really think he missed the boat not calling his creation ‘Doritos’.)

Anyways. Accept your webby and go peacefully into the night. No one cares, except me enough to write about it.

-Sean Lite-

P.s. Imagine if they were called Doritos? Huge mistake

An Ode to The Office

March 24th, 2005. That’s the day American audiences were introduced to The Office. That’s the day we were introduced to Jim and Pam, Dwight and Angela, and of course, Michael Scott. The show finished its 9th and final season, and its 200th and final episode aired last Thursday (more on that later). The beautiful thing about TV shows, in my opinion, are their ability to create fictional characters and a universe that you grow to care about. As I was watching the finale last Thursday, I found myself rooting for Dwight and Angela, Jim and Pam, Oscar, Daryl and the rest of the Dunder Mifflin gang. Over the past nine years, we put our lives on hold, and for a half hour a week, enjoyed Pennsylvania’s favorite paper company. The writing and directing have always been a strong part of The Office, but its beating heart has always been its cast of characters and the relationships they weave with each other. Each character was so easy to relate to, in part because they were caricatures of people we’ve encountered in our own lives. How could they not be? The day to day monotony of office life breeds these type of people. The fairytale romance of Jim and Pam was just as common as the immature, borderline psychotic relationship between Ryan and Kelly. Everyone knows an overachiever, a sweet old lady, a crazy old man, a cynic, a dreamer and a cute girl. The Office somehow took these everyday characters and made you empathize with them. How? Back in 2011, creator Ricky Gervais wrote an article discussing both versions of The Office, and how he created some of his memorable characters. Gervais concludes the article with, “Who needs winners? They’re not in the slightest bit funny or interesting. Give me a loser any day.” He was right.

The characters on the show were, for lack of a better word, losers. The beat farmer who lived with his cousin, the accountant with 10 cats, the heavy set, impossibly charming buffoon. Even the “cool” characters in the office, Jim and Pam, were a salesman and a secretary for a small town paper company. Each character had a life of its own, and they all fit perfectly into the Scranton universe. No one was a better fit for this universe than Michael Scott.

Michael Scott was a microcosm of the show. He epitomized every value that the show explored. He was an oddity who desperately wanted to be accepted by the outside world, a dreamer who never quite achieved his dreams. At his core, he wanted to be loved, and that enormous need for affection could only come from one place: The Office. For Michael, The Office was the cool kids table at lunch. The Office was being picked first in gym class. It wasn’t a building. It was a home. He didn’t have employees. He had a family. Although Michael occasionally did some boneheaded things, we always gave him the benefit of the doubt, because we knew how much he cared. Michael’s relationships, both personal and professional, fueled the show. He made his long awaited return during the very sentimental series finale, trekking from Colorado to Scranton to be Dwight’s bestest mench. Later in the episode, Pam reveals that Michael has so many pictures of his children that he needed to get two phones. Michael didn’t mind. He was just happy to finally have a family plan. Michael was the biggest loser of all, but he made you laugh, he made you cringe, and most of all, he made you watch. The final two seasons of the show were disappointing, but I’ll always remember The Office for its seven seasons of memorable characters and goofy story lines. Whether it was Jim and Pam’s wedding, or Michael’s burnt foot, The Office always seemed to deliver. It taught us the power of relationships, and in the end, that the losers might be the biggest winners of them all. Thanks for satisfying us for nine years. That’s what she said.

– Ryan