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Bloggers. Wrestling Enthusiasts. Beer drinkers. Movie Quoters. We have our cake and eat it too. Ryan Fogarty and Matt Vieira are The Average Nobodies.
Just another normal day at the track. NASCAR fans drinking, swearing, and slapping each other up side the head. That’s why I don’t find the following video out of the ordinary……unless you look closer
This is a video from the NASCAR All-Star race earlier this month. Jimmie Johnson captures the checkered flag, which upsets a lot of people including this guy who throws a beer in JJ’s general direction. After the beer hits the asphalt the girl to the left of him turns to him and delivers some verbal strikes followed up with a mighty bitch slap. But like I said, nothing out of the ordinary in this type of environment. The thing that I am shocked about is that she has the awareness to know that HE threw that beer. Go ahead, watch it again, he is standing slightly behind her line of sight and she only reacts when the can hits the pavement! She didn’t even flinch when he threw it! Is she a fucking geometry savant trapped in a white trash body? I picture a CSI moment happening in her head in that exact moment. She does all the math in her head, runs through evidence, enhances a few pictures, makes a graph, bangs Gil Grissom, and comes to her conclusion. “The speed and angle at which the can struck the road could only come from one place…this dick head behind me!” SLLLLLAAAAAPPPPP.
Get this chick an IQ test, could go either way.
-MattyV
P.S. Flag on the play, the beer isn’t empty! Come on man, you’re better than this. This isn’t a ballet, this is NASCAR, finish your beer!
Way to make me feel like a complete ass Scott. Yesterday I read that Jamarcus Russel has dropped 50 lbs and is expecting a call from an NFL team because of it, today I find you on the internet pumping iron and dominating the gym all the while being diagnosed with cerebral palsy as a young child, officially completing my self-confidence meltdown. Now my excuses “it’s raining outside so I can’t go for a jog”, or “I didn’t get enough sleep last night so an early morning gym session is out of the question” just flew out the window, all because of you. Really appreciate it buddy. Single handedly destroying my self confidence and raising everyone’s expectations of me!
In all seriousness though, Mr. Belkner, you inspire the shit outta me. You make me want to bench until I get to sore to wipe my own ass. Keep doing you.
-Sean Lite-
So I was going to write a blog about how this idiot shouldn’t be the Rutgers AD, especially after the whole Mike Rice thing. Then I started thinking why did she care in the first place, what’s the big deal with sexual promiscuity and binge drinking, especially in college? Some of the greatest athletes of all time did these things on a regular basis and long past their college years.
I wanted to put my own take on this story, but I found an article that beat me to the punch and if we’re being totally honest there’s no way I can top it so I’m just going to totally rip off his hilarious list. But honestly, all the credit goes to Ben Mathis-Lilley over at buzz feed.
1. Babe Ruth: King Of Home Runs And Venereal Disease.
2. Tiger Woods: Stopped Winning Majors After Ending His Affair With A Perkins Waitress
3. Wilt Chamberlain: Scored More Than Just Basket-Hoops: He claims to have slept with over 20,000 women, All I can say is Holy Crap.
4. Mickey Mantle: Boozed-Out Man-Skank : Says his favorite memory is catching a beej under the stands.
5. Antonio Cromartie: Can’t Remember All His Childrens’ Names Which Is Actually A Lot More Tragic Than Funny
6. Charles Barkley: Told Officer Arresting Him For DUI That He Was In A Hurry To Get A Blow Job
7. Pheidippides, The Original Marathoner :
Did he die at the end of his 26-mile run from the plains of Marathon to Athens because he was tired, or because he was incredibly wasted? And why wasn’t he wearing pants? It’s no coincidence Greeks basically invented sports AND wine AND pansexual orgies.
-Sean Lite-
Like I said in the beginning Ben Mathis-Lilley over at buzzfeed totally ripped off my list but just cause I’m a nice guy and like to spread the wealth you can find his version here.
Click on that link and be prepared to stare into the face of Satan in ant form. I don’t claim to know much about insects, but in the human world, you have to do some sick shit to get the nickname “crazy”. Crazy Ryan isn’t the guy who goes streaking at a party, he’s the guy with the weird smell coming from his basement. So what did these seemingly normal ants do to earn this nickname? Apparently they’re not only killing all the fire ants in the region, but they’re also starving out the ants they don’t destroy. That is some diabolical shit. I don’t know who pissed these crazy ants off, but I think its time we call a truce. If you think the crazy ants are going to stop at killing fire ants, I have a Joe Montaina rookie card I can sell you.
They’ve gotten a taste of world domination, and guess what? They like it. It starts off with insects, then they take out lions and finally, the crown jewel: humans. Those are the cold, hard facts. With all due respect to ageless lobsters, crazy ants are coming for that ass.
P.S. You know who tweeted this story and is scared shitless of these crazy ants? R.L. Stine. If a guy who writes children horror stories for a living is afraid of crazy ants then you should be too. Oh and you should be following that psychopath @RL_Stine
Having a 5 day work week is absolutely horrendous. I’m realizing this a day after a long weekend as I’m sitting in a meeting not giving a bakers fuck what anyone is saying. I can see the look on everyone else’s face too. No one wants to be here. Now granted, yes this week we’ve only got 4 days til our sacred weekend is upon us, but I think we should make a permanent switch. 9 or 10 hour days? 4 days a week? Ill make that sacrifice.
I lived in China for 6 months and yeah I worked 5 days a week but the hours were the tits. 10-6 with a 2 hour lunch break?! It’s like Zeus himself created a working day in China.
Maybe I’m just bitter and selfish, but I just do not want the responsibility of working…for 5 days in a row.
I’d say the answer in unequivocally yes, but I’m not sure what he does is considered walking anymore…poor taste, I’ll pay for that some day soon don’t worry. But seriously, everytime I see this guy in the news I tremble with excitement. Damnit…Alright that one was unintentional.
So recently, Mr. Fox was given a cupcake arrangement the shape of the Stanley cup. And each cupcake has the logo of a different NHL playoff team. Michael has been tweeting pictures of himself eating the cupcakes of each team as that team get eliminated. Of course he’s accompanying them with a short one liner. Here’s the link for the bleacher report article on it.
As for this article I want to really talk about how great Mr. Fox is. Diagnosed with Parkinson’s disease in the middle of a great career, he has really stayed relevant throughout the years. Of course it’s not about staying noticed, or staying in the public eye. The inspiration comes from his refusal to let his affliction define him, instead he has redefined what it means to live with Parkinson’s today. His charitable work to raise money for Parkinson’s research is unparalleled, but for me the amazing thing is his ability to laugh at himself. Mr. Fox shows us it’s okay to laugh at life’s lowest moments because it means you haven’t lost. If you keep fighting you can never lose.
Nothing shows Michael J. Fox’s spirit more than these hilarious clips from Curb Your Enthusiasm.
Oh and his short feud with Taylor Swift when he said he would never let his son date her was such a clairvoyant power move. He knew Swift was no good before the rest of us. Thanks for the heads up, Mike!
-Sean Lite-
There are American sports heroes and then there is Kenny Rackers. Kenny Rackers, a small town kid from Colorado Springs who a had a big dream. His dream, win the 200 year old Gloucestershire Cheese Rolling Contest (which an American had never done before). Just in case you have never heard of this event let me paint you a picture. The event is held every year at Cooper’s Hill in the UK. Contestants start at the top of this extremely steep hill and chase a cheese wheel down it. First one to the bottom to capture the cheese is the winner. This event is so dangerous that in 2010 it was officially shut down. However, this didn’t stop rebels from all over Europe, and the world, from continuing the odd dairy tradition. This is where Kenny Rackers comes in…
Kenny, an American collegiate athlete, and had been training for this race from the day he put it on his bucket list in college. He is a physical specimen to say the least. He traveled 4,600 miles so that he could be crowned as the first American to ever capture the cheese. But there is more to Kenny than just cheese wheels, America flag jumpsuits, and big hills. He is using his experience at the cheese race to inspire others to get off their asses and achieve their goals! To stop the excuses that you create for yourself and to go out and DO! And that is just what Kenny Rackers did on the 27th of May, 2013. The cheese was released, and Kenny was off. Down the hill he ran, fell, and stumbled until he reached the bottom to capture the cheese for AMERICA!
Look at that jumpsuit! He knows he’s better than everyone on that hill and he is just rubbing their faces in it.
(Click here for the full video)
The single greatest thing I love about America is our drive to be the best. Kenny Rackers had a dream, and what did he do? He went out and absolutely crushed it. Bravo, Kenny.
P.S. There is also a race at the beginning of the day… up the hill. Guess who won.
Today we pay tribute to the past, present and future members of our armed forces. They are fathers and sons, mothers and daughters, husbands and wives. Above all else, they are heroes. While there will never be a shortage of monsters trying to tear America down, we should be thankful that there are more heroes rushing into nightmares than there are people trying to cause them. Thank you for your service, and God Bless America
– Average Nobodies
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