Category Archives: Average Blog Posts
Average Blog Posts
Blogs in this category (Average Blog Posts) have not been put into a category. This is where you can read a backlog of all Average Nobodies blogs.
Bloggers. Wrestling Enthusiasts. Beer drinkers. Movie Quoters. We have our cake and eat it too. Ryan Fogarty and Matt Vieira are The Average Nobodies.
I’ll Take Heaven for $100,000 Alex
Lets play the hypothetical game: I give you $100,000 cash, and you can have anything you want in this world. What do you choose? A sweet car? Down payment on a new house? $100,000 worth of Taco Bell? How about a spot in heaven? That’s right, dangerously insane human beings have been bidding on an Ebay auction that offers the winning bidder a spot in heaven. The man who started this mind boggling bidding war, Ari Mandel, is actually an atheist who put his “spot in heaven” up for bid as a joke. You really can’t make this shit up. All religious mumbo jumbo aside, how fucking crazy do you have to be to bid $100 on this? Im gonna go with Amanda Bynes crazy mixed with serial killer crazy. Bidding $100,000!? That’s a level of crazy not even the crazy ants could fathom. Ebay has removed the post from its website, due to the fact that its fucking insane. What they need to do is release the names of these people who actually bid on this so we can get them on a private plane far far away where their psychotic brains can’t hurt anyone. Looney Tunes city.
For the full article, click here
Is It A Word?
Hello everyone and welcome to the fun new gameshow, Is it a Word?!.
Over the weekend a coworker of mine was watching the Pawsox at McCoy Stadium on Star Wars Night (Why wasn’t I informed about Star Wars Night!). She came a across the below sign.
ROWDYISM? That can’t possibly be a word? I am far from mastering the English language, but that cannot exist. So I did a quick Webster’s Dictionary search and here’s what I found:
It is a word?! and it was first used in 1842? First of all, BULLSHIT, and B how in the blue hell do they know when it was first used? For all we know the Pharaohs participated in rowdyism while they were building the pyramids. (But that can’t be true, because aliens built the pyramids) I wasn’t satisfied with Webster, so I went to a higher power, Urban Dictionary. Here is what I found:
Ok ok, maybe it is a word, and maybe you can be fined exactly $557 for committing rowdyism, but i’m not buying it!
-MattyV
P.S. Urban Dictionary’s word of the day…. Justice Boner: “The feeling of excitement when exacting petty revenge, or simply witnessing someone get what they deserve.”
– “Hey, did you hear about the Westboro Baptist Church picketing a soldier’s funeral this weekend?”
– “No, what happened?”
– “The police formed a barrier around the cemetery and arrested the ones that tried to get in. Gave me a raging justice boner.”
Let’s Not Screw This Up Rhode Island
All the fellas here at Average Nobodies currently reside in little ol Rhode Island. Yes it’s a state. No it’s not part of New York. There’s been all types chatter in the ocean state about how Taylor Swift bought a new pad in a hoity toity area of Westerly. It seems like everyone and their brother has spotted her at a Marshall’s or Dunkin or a Kinkos for Christ sakes. Some maniac even swam the narrow river to sneak onto her property. And while I’m jealous I didn’t think of it first, we need to pump the breaks so we don’t screw this up.
We have a legit A list celebrity living here now, we can’t be breaking our necks trying to find her. You gotta play it cool. This could lead to Clooney coming here; we gotta do the right thing and give her some space. Because if Clooney comes and Foges finds out, God help us all.
So Rhode Island, all I ask is we give Ms. Swift some space and this place will be crawling with the likes of Selena Gomez and Kate Upton in no time. Also, I have an insane obsession with Taylor Swift. Couldn’t tell you a thing about her music, but if I ran into her I think I got a shot. Whatever that means.
+Berno
P.S. there’s little to no chance I don’t find her
Marijuana is About to Go Corporate
The big story today is marijuana is about to become that much closer to full legality. Not sure if that’s a real phrase but it is now. A 100 million dollar marijuana company is about to form in Washington state and I am going to buy stock pre-immediately (I’m killing it with new phrases today). Right now its being called ‘Big Marijuana’ which is an obvious spin off of ‘Big Tobacco’ (which is probably not the best marketing choice) but they plan to change it’s name as the company comes to fruition.
And the mastermind behind all this? A guy named Jamen Shively, no idea how to say that but I’m going to with Jammin’ because that’s both awesome and, when referred to the Bob Marley song, very appropriate. Oh and by the way he’s been endorsed by Vicente Fox, another awesome name, who happens to be an ex-Coca Cola exec; but then he got bored of heading up one of the worlds biggest Fortune 500 companies and decided to retire and become the president of Mexico. An obvious next step.
(Jamen kinda looks like a hippie Bill Gates right? How many signs of success do you need?)
I’ve never been so sure that a company is going to experience so much success. Marijuana + Jamen + 100 mil. How can you go wrong? Except maybe your product is still mostly illegal. But who’s counting. I’m excited!
-Sean Lite-
Stone Cold Speller
Arvind Mahankali isn’t even remotely interested that he just captured spelling gold. Kid also looks like he could be in the next slumdog movie, ‘Slumdog Spellionaire!’ (I deserve a Tony for that one). I picture this kid getting waterboarded and being forced to recall the time he learned to spell “asymmetric”.
-MattyV
P.S. I smell a meme coming.
The World According To Yoko
Last Friday we explored the world of Twitter through the eyes of a dangerously insane human being: Yoko Ono. The beautiful thing about crazy people on twitter is that most of them don’t realize how crazy they actually are, so they continue to tweet incoherent nonsense. Yoko’s tweets are too awesome to pass up, so without further ado, welcome back to the world according to Yoko.
@yokoono: Lift your eyes again and look around you, and you will see that the sky doesn’t end just up there, it comes all the way down to the ground!
– hmmm. I feel like what she is trying to describe here is some type of horrible catastrophe. If I ever lift up my eyes and see the sky coming towards the ground I will be shitting my pants while trying to convince myself that its just a bad acid trip.
@yokoono: Wishing is more effective than waving flags. It works. It’s magic. Magic is simple. Magic is real.
I think Yoko has been spending too much time with Gob Bluth. And why are waving flags and magic our only two options? With all the advances in modern technology, I feel like we should have more options to solve world conflicts. Anyone? Bueller?
@yokoono: The earth we walk on is severed into pieces: continents and islands. But the sky is one!
– this one actually makes sense. You can call her crazy, but Yoko knows her geography. I can’t wait to see what kind of tweets shes planning for next week. Until then, stay cool and have a great weekend.
– Ryan
Dear Oscars: Let NPH host. Sincerely, The World.
It’s Barney Stinson’s world and we’re just living in it. My super-secret source (the internet) has learned that Neil Patrick Harris has been confirmed to host the Emmy Awards this September. I must say, I’m very excited about it. NPH was a great host back in 2009, and I fully expect him to tear down the house this September. While I’d love to ponder what skits he’ll be performing or TV show charcters he’ll be spoofing, this article shall serve another purpose. That purpose can be summed up in one eloquently written sentence. Why the fuck is Neil Patrick Harris not hosting the Oscars?
The last few years, the show has, for a lack of a better word, sucked. I think Seth McFarlane is a great comedian, but no one wants to watch a 3 hour celebrity bash fest (check the ratings). Is Lindsay Lohan a whore? Of course. Is Chris Brown a douchebag? Sure. Do celebrities get an insane amount of DUI’s even though they have enough money to hire a helicopter pilot to take them home? Sweet Jesus yes. But I don’t tune into the Oscars to hear about that shit. Leave that to TMZ. The beauty of Hollywood is their ability to immerse the audience in a fairytale universe. The Oscar’s should be no different. Keep the monologues short, make the skits longer, and show more George Clooney (personal preference). To make this type of show successful you need a multi-talented host who can handle the 3+ hour workload and make it look easy. Billy Crystal and Steve Martin are too old. McFarlane is young enough, but his style clearly doesn’t mesh with the Oscar format. Tina Fey and Amy Poehler killed at the Golden Globes, but after the last duo (Hathaway and Franco), I think we should stick with a single host. Jimmy Fallon and Ellen Degeneres are both strong candidates, but with NPH’s hosting experience and flawless public image, I believe he is the superior choice. He knows how award shows work, and he doesn’t need to be overly mean to get a laugh. He is the master of comebacks, and besides maybe Ellen, he is the most supported openly gay actor in the entertainment industry. Most of all, he deserves it. He can sing, he can dance, and he’s portrayed two of the most memorable characters in television history. Doogie Howser had his time in the spotlight, and so has Barney Stinson. Now it’s time for Neil Patrick Harris to have his.
-Ryan
P.S. For those of you who don’t want to wait until September to see NPH dominate an awards show, he is also scheduled to host the 2013 Tony Awards (his 4th time hosting) on the greatest day of the year, June 9th . (my birthday).
P.P.S: All of this is null and void if the Oscars can secure Bill Paxton. Always go with Bill Paxton.
