Category Archives: Average Blog Posts
Average Blog Posts
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Bloggers. Wrestling Enthusiasts. Beer drinkers. Movie Quoters. We have our cake and eat it too. Ryan Fogarty and Matt Vieira are The Average Nobodies.
My Biased Opinion On Why Hockey Players Are The Toughest Athletes In Sports
Last night the Boston Bruins beat the Pittsburgh Penguins in double overtime to take a 3-0 series lead in the Eastern Conference Semifinals. It was a great team effort, top to bottom, Tuukka Rask was outstanding for Boston, but the real hero here is Bruins forward Gregory Campbell.
On a penalty kill in the 2nd period Campbell took a slap shot to the leg as he blocked a shot toward the Boston net. He went down for about 10 seconds and hobbled around for another 60, giving his team everything he had in what would be his last minute of the 2013 season. Campbell broke his leg on the play.
Which brings me to my point, hockey players are the toughest athletes in sports. Any other event, NFL, NBA, or MLB there would’ve been an immediate stoppage with everyone and their brother from the medical staff out there to carry him off the field of play. But not in hockey. Campbell got back to his feet, played another 60, and skated off on his own power. That. Takes. Balls. A similar incident happened to Nicholas Hjalmersson of the Chicago Blackhawks the other night, same heart to stay out and finish your shift. Fortunately for him no serious injury occurred.
Baseball players miss weeks or months with a broken finger. Hockey players don’t miss practice. Basketball players can’t bump each other. Hockey players level each other. If there’s a fight in football, call the federal government. You’re allowed to fight in hockey.
To wrap this up, if you’re not a fan of hockey, watch these playoffs and you’ll be hooked. Hop on a teams bandwagon and see where it takes you because the respect you develop for these guys night in and night out is more than enough to grow the fan base of the NHL and hockey everywhere.
+Berno
Just What The Doctor Ordered
Burger King has finally come up with a solution to that most vexing question that has plagued mankind for decades: “In a world of multitasking, how can you use your hands to do daily activities and eat a Whopper at the same time?”
Enter the hands-free Whopper holder, a plastic device that hangs from the neck and places your Whopper inches from your mouth. All extraneous movement has been removed from the burger-eating process, including the act of bending your arms to bring the sandwich closer to your mouth.
With both hands released from the restrictive and calorie-wasting act of food eating, Whopper lovers are free to perform all of their favorite or pressing tasks while enjoying the flame-broiled goodness of Burger King’s signature sandwich. -USA Today
Just when I thought I was going to have an extra arm sewed onto my neck, Burger King reads my mind! Who has time to eat FAST FOOD normally? I sure as hell don’t. With changing radio stations, texting and driving, not wearing my seatbelt, and all the other tomfoolery that occurs in my car I just can’t seem to find a open time, or hand, to enjoy my Whopper. In comes the ‘Hands-free Whopper holder’, basically a plastic feedbag that makes you looks like the fat pig-horse-man you really are. If I start seeing these popping up I will move to the north pole.
-MattyV
P.S. Create a hands-free taco device and I might sing another tune.
Is 60m Dollars for a High School Football Stadium Too Much?
The people of Allen, Texas have agreed to she’ll out 60 mil for a high school football stadium. Which begs the question, is 60 mil a reasonable amount of doll-hairs? The answer is absolutely not. In the words of Happy Gilmore “the price is wrong bitch!”
The citizens are proud of their field because it is “the finest high school football facility in the country”. No shit, did you need 60 mil to accomplish that? My school’s field was a collection of lines in the dirt and some glorified benches to sit on. I guess there’s no denying it Allen, Texas has the best field in the country.
I just can’t stop thinking of everything a community could do with 60 mil. And none of them is build a ridiculous football stadium.
-Sean Lite-
P.S. What will the ticket prices be?
P.P.S. okay it’s kinda sweet…
Slightly Less Than 1/3 Of The Way Through The Season Report Card
Probably not the greatest title for a blog post, but I think it’s time we show a certain team from Boston some respect. While diehard fans and every hot girl within 100 miles of Boston are praising the Bruins, I’ve been quietly watching my Red Sox play their best baseball in 3 years. Everyone knows about the 2011 collapse, as well as their 2012 campaign with quite possibly the worst manager in the history of sports (Bobby V). That’s all in the past. During the offseason, they hired a no nonsense manager (Farrell) who understands the city and the goals of the team due to his prior stint with the ballclub as Tito Francona’s pitching coach. They also went back to former GM Theo Epsteins successful approach that won them two world series’. Instead of breaking the bank on free agent signings (Crawford, Gonzalez) they signed quality guys to reasonable contracts who are accustomed to winning and won’t bitch when things don’t go their way (Victorino, Napoli).
In just 59 games, they’ve completely changed the perception of the team. It’s truly amazing. They’ve gone from the laughing stock of the league to division leader, and while we still have a lot of baseball to play, I’d rather be in 1st after 59 games than last. They’re winning with good pitching, timely hitting and have created a positive vibe around the ballpark. Pedrioa and Ortiz are hitting better than at any point in their careers, while the emergence of Daniel Nava and recent success of Jose Iglesias have been welcome surprises. Clay Bucholz and Jon Lester are a combined 14-2, while Andrew Bailey, Junichi Tazawa and Koji Uehara have solidified the bullpen. The most impressive aspect of this team is their ability to succeed while major parts of their team have been hurt. Joel Hanrahan, the all-star closer Boston signed in the off season, was a total bust. He had just 4 saves and an ERA near 10 before he blew out his elbow and was lost for the season. Bucholz and Lackey have both missed starts, while closer, setup man and now closer again Andrew Bailey also spent time on the DL. With Will Middlebrooks and Shane Victorino both on the DL, the Sox have posted a 7-3 record in their last 10 games, the last 4 without CF Jacoby Ellsbury. Maybe you can contribute this to an easy schedule. The Sox are currently in a stretch where they play 32 games in 34 days, which, warm weather or not, is quite draining. The Sox are 1st in the AL in runs, 3rd in batting average, and 2nd in on base and slugging percentage. They’re currently 36-23, which is good for 1st in the A.L. East, 2 1/2 games ahead of the surprisingly good Yankees. The Bruins may currently have Boston’s heart, but I for one am glad the Red Sox are back.
– Ryan
P.S. If the Red Sox go on any type of losing streak in the next week I will never write about them again.
Anna Christine Will Blow You Away
Hi, y’all know me, Matt Vieira, easy going. America’s Got Talent kicked off season 8 with a bang! 10 year-old, Anna Christine, pumped big sound out of her tiny frame in her rendition of House of the Rising Sun (one of my all-time favorite tunes behind Country Roads). She absolutely murdered her audition! This girl can belt with the best of ’em. I will boldly say that she could sing anyone on the radio right now under the table with ease. I am pinning this girl to take the gold for this seasons AGT. I am placing my bets now!
-MattyV
P.S. This girl should do a duet with Adele; they would tear down the house.
P.S.S. I’m pretty sure that at 10 I was still learning to speak.
Monsterblog Wednesday: Lord Stanley’s Smokes
Since the very first dawn shed it’s light upon the earliest of our ancestors there has been one question that has haunted mankind above any other. Before fire, before the wheel, even before language when grunts and fist-fighting were more than adequate for debating. One eternal discussion, one unsolvable mystery. Who’s the hottest of them all?
We here at Average Nobodies are not above such discussion. In fact we had this debate over the weekend. Except we wanted to add a little twist in the light of how fucking awesome the Bruins are playing at the moment. We decided to leave behind the top ten lists, forget about the top fives. Lets make a hockey line-up of who we think are the hottest celebs out there.
The rules
1. One goalie two defenders and three forwards.
2. You have to explain why you picked them and why they’re at a certain position.
3. Fuck rules do whatever you want.
4. Bill Paxton and George Clooney are fair game.
Here goes nothing!
Team 1
F-Kate Beckinsale
F-Kate Upton
F-Kate Hudson
D-Alicia Keys
D-Norah Jones
G-Michelle Rodriguez
Let me first start with the heart and soul of my team: Kate Beckinsale
Kate Upton, and Kate Hudson; Kate Cubed, if you will. These lovely ladies are my ice melting goal scorers. With Upton in the middle and Beckinsale and Hudson on either side of you (Oh jesus..picture that for a minute) you cannot lose. Now lets move behind them to the defense. This hard hitting duo is sure to leave your ears ringing with sweet melodies. Norah Jones and Alicia Keys, concert pianists, song writers, and beautiful brawlers. If, for some insane reason, you are able to penetrate any of the pre-menitoned girls (See what i’m doing here?) then you have reached my goalie, the “tough girl” of the silver screen, Michelle Rodriguez. Michelle is used to dominating in a mans world and she will do no different here. Don’t mess with THIS goalie, she will for sure knock you out (I’m pretty positive that’s actually true)
P.S. Coach – Demi Moore-Willis-Kutcher (Scorpion Woman)
P.S.S. WOOOOOOOOOF
-MattyV
Team 2
F-Scarlett Johanson
F-Emma Watson
F-Salma Hayek
D-Eva Mendes
D- Olivia Munn
G-Jennifer Lawrence
Coach- Catherine, Duchess of Cambridge. A.k.a Kate Middleton.
This team needs little introduction, if any at all. You know em, you’ve seen em, you know what they’re capable of, and that’s greatness. The perfect mix of young upstarts and seasoned veterans. You have the ones who’ve been to the title game and brought home the trophy (Scarlett, Eva and Ms, Hayek) while at the same time benefiting from the hungry newcomers (Emma, Olivia, and J-Law).
Need I explain my choice at coach? The Duchess of Cambridge? Boss as hell, pregnant or not.
Three smokin’ forwards, two bombshell defenders and the maybe the most promising young talent of her draft class, J-Law, holding strong in net. Stanley Cup Lock of the Millenium.
-Sean Lite-
Team 3
F Rosie Jones
F Paulina Gretzky
F Maryse Ouellet
D Rachel McAdams
D Charlize Theron
G Olivia Wilde
Coach- Gwen Stefani
Offense: I got Rosie Jones, British supermodel, she’s got style, speed, and young, perfect left winger in my eyes. On the other side I have her compliment in the blonde bomber, ex WWE diva Maryse. She’s got champion written all over her and carries a few heavy shots. In the middle none other than the Great One’s daughter. The heir to the throne, Paulina Gretzky. The total package and unlike her father she ain’t afraid to throw down in a fight.
Defense: Ever seen Mean Girls? Rachel McAdams will straight up mind fuck you. When you’re charging down the ice and lock eyes with her you’re off your game and you don’t even know it.
Oh and there’s my enforcer, Charlize Theron. Not only can she get in your head, she’s got the size to back it up. She’s a big broad and I like it.
Goalie: Her name represents her style, Wilde. Olivia Wilde is my rock in the net. She’s been on a steady rise to the top and it’s only a matter of time before she stands alone at the top of the league.
Coach: I’ve always had a constant trust with Gwen Stefani. Smarts and looks, and she’s been so good for so long. She’s the perfect boss for my squad. She’s been to the top before, now it’s time to show the next generation the mountain.
I realize my team consists of hot chicks who are actual or pretend to be psychopaths, and that’s how I intended it.
+ Berno
Team 4
Forward – Stacey Keibler
Forward – Emmy Rossum
Forward – Nicky Whelan
Defense – Alice Greczyn
Defense – Miley Cyrus
Goalie/Coach – Jennifer Aniston
Stacey Keibler: 99% jealous she gets to skinny dip with Clooney, 1% ex WWE Diva. She stole my favorite man and my favorite passion and continually rubs it in my face. But she’s one of the hottest girls on the planet, and she’s got legs for days. Did I mention she dates Clooney?
Emmy Rossum: One of my three sleepers. If you don’t watch Shameless (you really should) then you might not know who Ms. Rossum is. She’s 5 feet and 8 inches of straight sex. Another absolute knockout who I know has a little freaky side. Also one hell of a talented actress. And she’s got great boobs. Between 5’8 Emmy and 5’11 Stacey I easily have the biggest forwards in the league. Game. Set. Match.
Nicky Whelan: My 2nd sleeper. She’s Australian. She’s gorgeous. She was in an episode of Workaholics and you get to see her boobs in Hall Pass. Talk about being four for four. If that’s enough, just remember that old French proverb: Australian girls make the best hockey players
Alice Greczyn: My 3rd sleeper. Just beyond words. Lights the screen on fire in Sex Drive, and I knew we had something special when I took the time to learn how to spell her last name right. A lot of people might ask why my forwards are monsters and I have little Alice on defense. Because this team has heart, and sweet angelic faces.
Miley Cyrus: The ultimate wildcard. 20 year old phenom. Already showing her freaky/dangerously insane side. Bleach blonde crew cut. Ass hanging out of every pair of shorts she’s ever worn. She’s gonna knock you down then spit in your mouth and possibly give you a venereal disease. If there’s one person I wouldn’t want to see coming at me on skates its Miley Fucking Cyrus.
Jennifer Aniston. The veteran. El Capitan. She’s been a boner machine since the mid 90s, and she hasn’t lost a step. Still smoking hot at the age of 44, still cool as hell. My most important piece to the puzzle. If I had to rank my 6 firecrackers JA would be numero uno. The young babes fight and claw for fame and glory, while she remains my rock in the net. She has made it to the mountaintop, and she likes the view. Just like in hockey, I’m riding the smoking hot goalie all the way to the championship. (I’m assuming this is a competition).
– Ryan
There ya have it! Let us know if you think we’re out of our minds, or if we’ve just constructed the first perfect squad of literal puck sluts!
Why You Gotta Rear-End Fat Jesus and Disrupt His Swag?
If that isn’t the best mixture of “come at me bro” and “the fuck?” I don’t know what is.
-Sean Lite-
Best Written TV Shows of All Time: Hits and Misses
Best Written TV Shows of All Time
The link above will take you to yahoo’s list of the 25 best written tv shows of all time. No shit. Now to be honest I’m a supremely biased human, and I haven’t seen a lot of these shows, but here’s a few thoughts on the list.
The Sopranos is a clear cut number 1. Done and done. Amazing storyline, theme, characters, top to bottom this show captivated anyone and everyone who watched it. The Wire? Probably my favorite show all time. The human element of this shows makes the viewer feel what it’s like to be apart of a crime stricken city where no matter who you are, knowledge is power. Then there’s the classic comedies. SNL, Seinfeld, Friends, Cheers, etc. but I find myself furious to see the Simpsons on there.
Is the show well written? Maybe, but it’s not South Park. No television show outside of a news outlet stays as current and satirically witty as South Park. Throw in the fact they produce an animated show in 6 days, of this caliber, and to me it’s top ten easy.
I see a lot of other shows on there that I’m unsure of their quality, but assume they’re included simply because of their long runs and nostalgic feel. See MASH, Twilight Zone, and the Dick Van Dyke Show.
I really only decided to write this because I’m a huge fan of South Park and KNOW they don’t get the respect they deserve (although the creators don’t want/need it). I’d probably get made fun of for writing this if I was more famous as well. Anyway, I’ve said my peace and as far as the the best written shows of all time, South Park, in my eyes, deserves a seat at the head table….budday.
+Berno
PS I kind of hope I get made fun of by them with this post
