I’ve been in Italy for the past 10 days, and if you haven’t noticed, that’s because Funky Butt Matt has been doing one hell of a job running Average Nobodies. Now that I’m back, I have a lot of DVR’d television to watch, but first, I wanted to spread the word about everything I learned while in Italy.

I visited Rome, Assisi, Perugia, Florence, Sienna, Venice, Murano, Lake Como and Malpensa. I know, I impress myself sometimes. If I had to sum up all these places in one word, it would be wine.

1. I would be 500 pounds if I lived in Italy. I know a lot of people say that when they come back from vacation but it’s 100% true. Italians don’t eat to leave and go somewhere else, they leave where they are to go eat. It’s like a spiritual experience to them. Every day we put aside 2-3 hours for lunch, and by lunch I mean antipasto as an appetizer, followed by loads of bread followed by pasta followed by veal/fish. For LUNCH. Throw in a few jugs of wine and you have the best lunch ever created. It was wonderful, but if I stayed any longer I’d be one of those people who needs a forklift to get from their bedroom to the bathroom.

2. Italians, and Europeans in general, somehow didn’t get the “smoking is bad for you” memo. EVERYONE smokes in Italy. Babies, normal people, old people. Its insane. The only downside to this, besides constantly smelling like cigarettes, is that Italians love to smoke while they eat. Luckily for them, just about every restaurant in Italy has outside dining. What’s a bowl of pasta without half a dozen cigarettes anyway?

3. I found my new favorite song. While in Florence, I ate at a restaurant that played a live version of Country Roads by John Denver, except with a violin and an accordion. It was amazing. I don’t know who the two guys who played it are, but one day I will travel back and find them and make them play that song for me on repeat forever.

4. The YMCA is my jam. You know how the Soviets used to train spies and send them to the US and give them trigger words to cause chaos? The YMCA is my trigger word. Once I hear it I stop what I’m doing and just turn into a dancing machine.

5. The mosquito’s in Italy are ravenous animals. Apparently if you eat fruit they single you out and take advantage of you. Guess what this guy had for breakfast every morning? Large quantities of fruit.

6. Pasta Arrabbiata is the most amazing thing I’ve ever eaten. It’s translating as just pasta with a spicy sauce, but it’s so much more. I do not know what is in the sauce, but whatever the hell it is must be some sort of heaven on Earth. Also, refer back to point 1 about being 500 pounds because I would eat this for lunch and dinner every day for the rest of my life.

7. If wine addiction is a thing, I have it. I’m also addicted to the Italian lifestyle of multiple hour lunches with four course meals and endless jugs of wine. Between the food, wine, sites, views and history, Italy is a place to be treasured. Basically, Italy is heaven on Earth.