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Author Archives: seanlite

Hockey Players Just Got Knocked Off The ‘Toughest Athlete’ Throne

The English Shin-Kicking championships have been stealing the hearts and captivating the dreams of Englanders for 401 years.

This video begs the question. Who’s tougher? Hockey players or shin-kickers? I think I have to go with shin-kickers, I mean straw for padding? That just isn’t enough to prevent pain, and to do this round after round? Anyone can withstand a punch to the face or a skate blade to the neck it takes true mettle to endure shin kicks. Respect.

-Sean Lite-

P.S. This should be an olympic sport, the summer olympics needs something to compete with curling in the winter olympics. (can’t wait)

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Brad Pitt Got His Start as Ricky the Masturbator

Just kidding but that’d be even more hilarious.

-Sean Lite-

P.S. Him just staring at the ceiling is the stuff of nightmares.

My Hockey Rant: An Objection to Berno’s “Completely Biased Opinion”

It’s the NHL playoffs, specifically the semi-finals in case you live under a rock. Every year around this time I have to constantly hear why hockey is the greatest sport, and the players are the toughest athletes, blah blah blah. My Facebook explodes with people who feel the need to defend hockey for whatever reason. If the players are so damn tough, let their play and their athletic ability speak for itself. By the way, the only people who chirp about hockey are ex-hockey players. It’s like playing the sport for so many years inflicts an intense inferiority complex that lasts a lifetime. Relax people, it’s a great sport, we get it! There are no other fans on Earth that bitch and moan about their sport not getting enough attention. If you think your sport isn’t getting enough attention place blame on the NHL execs; it’s not the sport, it’s the poor management of the league itself.
Before we start talking about who the toughest athletes in the world, let’s all just take a deep breath and say to ourselves, “What does it really matter?” I’m not going to sit here and take away from what Campbell did the other night. What he did was nothing short of incredible, through pain and agony he finished his shift. But let’s consider the circumstances. He broke his fibula, and important bone to say the least, but did it snap in half like Kevin Ware’s tibia, the weight bearing bone in the lower leg? I suppose he should’ve gotten up and limped around until the next whistle. All I’m saying is there’s instances of heroism in the face of injuries in every sport, but every hockey player in the world get’s a purple star if one player gets hurt, like they all endured it. Let’s give Campbell credit instead of everyone who’s ever picked up a hockey stick. Another question is “Was it a smart move?” What Campbell did was heroic, but if it were the middle of the season, we may be singing a different tune. I can hear the pundits, “He should’ve stayed down, he could’ve furthered his injury and missed more time of the season.” I’d like to refer to Exhibit A: RGIII playing with a torn up knee. As it is he’s only going to miss about 5 games (because the Bruins are going to sweep this and the next series).
If I had to choose the toughest athletes in sports I have to go with offensive and defensive linemen. The big guys, the trench men, they undergo anywhere from 45-60 snaps a game of head to head collisions that are equivalent to small car accidents every single time. Literally, the only stats that ever gets mentioned is snap count and starts, so if they endure less that 45 small car accidents a game, they’re considered below average.
And can we stop it with the whole “fighting is allowed” thing? It’s a penalty, you go to the box. That’s like saying tripping, slashing and high sticking is allowed. Fighting is allowed in football too, your team just gets a 15 yard penalty instead getting put in timeout. Now it’s smart to put your team a man down? Consider the potential for injury, punching someone in the face is a good way to get a boxer’s break, or a break in the fourth or fifth metacarpal, now you’ve just lowered your value to your team as well as your resign value. No wonder why hockey players get paid less, more chance of injury ; but hell, have your cake and eat it too! “Sean Lite, that’s why you have goons to go out there and pick fights with their best players.” To which I reply, “so your sacrificing on-ice talent in the hopes the other premier player loses his cool and swings back?” I don’t know, doesn’t seem like a sound strategy to me, not saying all hockey teams try to do this, but it’s the way it gets explained.
You must think I hate hockey, this is not the case, I thoroughly enjoy watching the sport. Personally it falls in third of my list of favorite spectator sports, just behind college basketball and just before Olympic curling (can’t wait). Yes, professional hockey players are tough while being very athletic and, let’s face it, graceful; as much as diehard hockey fans would hate that word. The sport doesn’t need saving, stop forcing athleticism and toughness down the casual fan’s throat; it’s not a good look.
End of Rant. Out of breath.

-Sean Lite-

P.S. Go Bruins.

Just What the Doctor Ordered: Part 2

Domino’s Pizza is introducing it’s next delivery gimmick as a “domicopter”, a flying drone that will deliver your pizza to your doorstep.

Looks like its time for me to invest in a rifle. I’m gonna sit on my front porch and pick these bad boys outta the sky for sport. Yea, I’ll probably indulge in one here and there, but the real fun lies in fucking up Domino’s plan to become the real world version of Skynet.

But seriously do we really need flying pizzas? How do you even pay one of these things? Give them the wrong address, intercept the drone, take pizza, make profit.

A wise man once said “retro fit one of these with a taco holder and I’ll change my tune”. Or something like that.

-Sean Lite-

Is 60m Dollars for a High School Football Stadium Too Much?

The people of Allen, Texas have agreed to she’ll out 60 mil for a high school football stadium. Which begs the question, is 60 mil a reasonable amount of doll-hairs? The answer is absolutely not. In the words of Happy Gilmore “the price is wrong bitch!”

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The citizens are proud of their field because it is “the finest high school football facility in the country”. No shit, did you need 60 mil to accomplish that? My school’s field was a collection of lines in the dirt and some glorified benches to sit on. I guess there’s no denying it Allen, Texas has the best field in the country.

I just can’t stop thinking of everything a community could do with 60 mil. And none of them is build a ridiculous football stadium.

-Sean Lite-

P.S. What will the ticket prices be?

P.P.S. okay it’s kinda sweet…

Monsterblog Wednesday: Lord Stanley’s Smokes

Since the very first dawn shed it’s light upon the earliest of our ancestors there has been one question that has haunted mankind above any other. Before fire, before the wheel, even before language when grunts and fist-fighting were more than adequate for debating. One eternal discussion, one unsolvable mystery. Who’s the hottest of them all?

We here at Average Nobodies are not above such discussion. In fact we had this debate over the weekend. Except we wanted to add a little twist in the light of how fucking awesome the Bruins are playing at the moment. We decided to leave behind the top ten lists, forget about the top fives. Lets make a hockey line-up of who we think are the hottest celebs out there.

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The rules
1. One goalie two defenders and three forwards.
2. You have to explain why you picked them and why they’re at a certain position.
3. Fuck rules do whatever you want.
4. Bill Paxton and George Clooney are fair game.

Here goes nothing!

Team 1

F-Kate Beckinsale
F-Kate Upton
F-Kate Hudson
D-Alicia Keys
D-Norah Jones
G-Michelle Rodriguez

Let me first start with the heart and soul of my team: Kate Beckinsale
Kate Upton, and Kate Hudson; Kate Cubed, if you will. These lovely ladies are my ice melting goal scorers. With Upton in the middle and Beckinsale and Hudson on either side of you (Oh jesus..picture that for a minute) you cannot lose. Now lets move behind them to the defense. This hard hitting duo is sure to leave your ears ringing with sweet melodies. Norah Jones and Alicia Keys, concert pianists, song writers, and beautiful brawlers. If, for some insane reason, you are able to penetrate any of the pre-menitoned girls (See what i’m doing here?) then you have reached my goalie, the “tough girl” of the silver screen, Michelle Rodriguez. Michelle is used to dominating in a mans world and she will do no different here. Don’t mess with THIS goalie, she will for sure knock you out (I’m pretty positive that’s actually true)

P.S. Coach – Demi Moore-Willis-Kutcher (Scorpion Woman)

P.S.S. WOOOOOOOOOF

-MattyV

Team 2

F-Scarlett Johanson
F-Emma Watson
F-Salma Hayek
D-Eva Mendes
D- Olivia Munn
G-Jennifer Lawrence

Coach- Catherine, Duchess of Cambridge. A.k.a Kate Middleton.

This team needs little introduction, if any at all. You know em, you’ve seen em, you know what they’re capable of, and that’s greatness. The perfect mix of young upstarts and seasoned veterans. You have the ones who’ve been to the title game and brought home the trophy (Scarlett, Eva and Ms, Hayek) while at the same time benefiting from the hungry newcomers (Emma, Olivia, and J-Law).

Need I explain my choice at coach? The Duchess of Cambridge? Boss as hell, pregnant or not.

Three smokin’ forwards, two bombshell defenders and the maybe the most promising young talent of her draft class, J-Law, holding strong in net. Stanley Cup Lock of the Millenium.

-Sean Lite-

Team 3

F Rosie Jones
F Paulina Gretzky
F Maryse Ouellet
D Rachel McAdams
D Charlize Theron
G Olivia Wilde

Coach- Gwen Stefani

Offense: I got Rosie Jones, British supermodel, she’s got style, speed, and young, perfect left winger in my eyes. On the other side I have her compliment in the blonde bomber, ex WWE diva Maryse. She’s got champion written all over her and carries a few heavy shots. In the middle none other than the Great One’s daughter. The heir to the throne, Paulina Gretzky. The total package and unlike her father she ain’t afraid to throw down in a fight.

Defense: Ever seen Mean Girls? Rachel McAdams will straight up mind fuck you. When you’re charging down the ice and lock eyes with her you’re off your game and you don’t even know it.
Oh and there’s my enforcer, Charlize Theron. Not only can she get in your head, she’s got the size to back it up. She’s a big broad and I like it.

Goalie: Her name represents her style, Wilde. Olivia Wilde is my rock in the net. She’s been on a steady rise to the top and it’s only a matter of time before she stands alone at the top of the league.

Coach: I’ve always had a constant trust with Gwen Stefani. Smarts and looks, and she’s been so good for so long. She’s the perfect boss for my squad. She’s been to the top before, now it’s time to show the next generation the mountain.

I realize my team consists of hot chicks who are actual or pretend to be psychopaths, and that’s how I intended it.

+ Berno

Team 4

Forward – Stacey Keibler
Forward – Emmy Rossum
Forward – Nicky Whelan
Defense – Alice Greczyn
Defense – Miley Cyrus
Goalie/Coach – Jennifer Aniston

Stacey Keibler: 99% jealous she gets to skinny dip with Clooney, 1% ex WWE Diva. She stole my favorite man and my favorite passion and continually rubs it in my face. But she’s one of the hottest girls on the planet, and she’s got legs for days. Did I mention she dates Clooney?

Emmy Rossum: One of my three sleepers. If you don’t watch Shameless (you really should) then you might not know who Ms. Rossum is. She’s 5 feet and 8 inches of straight sex. Another absolute knockout who I know has a little freaky side. Also one hell of a talented actress. And she’s got great boobs. Between 5’8 Emmy and 5’11 Stacey I easily have the biggest forwards in the league. Game. Set. Match.

Nicky Whelan: My 2nd sleeper. She’s Australian. She’s gorgeous. She was in an episode of Workaholics and you get to see her boobs in Hall Pass. Talk about being four for four. If that’s enough, just remember that old French proverb: Australian girls make the best hockey players

Alice Greczyn: My 3rd sleeper. Just beyond words. Lights the screen on fire in Sex Drive, and I knew we had something special when I took the time to learn how to spell her last name right. A lot of people might ask why my forwards are monsters and I have little Alice on defense. Because this team has heart, and sweet angelic faces.

Miley Cyrus: The ultimate wildcard. 20 year old phenom. Already showing her freaky/dangerously insane side. Bleach blonde crew cut. Ass hanging out of every pair of shorts she’s ever worn. She’s gonna knock you down then spit in your mouth and possibly give you a venereal disease. If there’s one person I wouldn’t want to see coming at me on skates its Miley Fucking Cyrus.

Jennifer Aniston. The veteran. El Capitan. She’s been a boner machine since the mid 90s, and she hasn’t lost a step. Still smoking hot at the age of 44, still cool as hell. My most important piece to the puzzle. If I had to rank my 6 firecrackers JA would be numero uno. The young babes fight and claw for fame and glory, while she remains my rock in the net. She has made it to the mountaintop, and she likes the view. Just like in hockey, I’m riding the smoking hot goalie all the way to the championship. (I’m assuming this is a competition).

– Ryan

There ya have it! Let us know if you think we’re out of our minds, or if we’ve just constructed the first perfect squad of literal puck sluts!

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Why You Gotta Rear-End Fat Jesus and Disrupt His Swag?

If that isn’t the best mixture of “come at me bro” and “the fuck?” I don’t know what is.

-Sean Lite-

Conrad Farnsworth is a Cocky Bastard

Conrad Farnsworth is the cockiest high school nerd I’ve ever seen.

Just get a load of this guy.

Conrad Farnsworth

So Conrad here, makes a nuclear reactor at home and submits it into his science fair (impressive) and then proceeds to be kicked out of the fair entirely. This arrogant piece of crap has been in too many science fairs! So I don’t care if you’ve built a homemade atomic collider under your entire neighborhood, you’re too greedy Conrad! Let the kid with the vinegar volcano or the poorly crafted model of the solar system have a chance. You’re winning too much.

Also you’re attending the South Dakota School of Mines next year. What the fuck? Why aren’t you going to MIT or something. This stinks to high heaven of plagiarism.

Sean Lite

P.S. it could be plagiarism because he’s one of 15 high schoolers to accomplish this feat. I’m sorry what? How has this happened 15 times? All
15 of these kids better be on an FBI watch list…

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