Author Archives: ryanfoges
Rhode Island is So Lame
(Source) “CUMBERLAND, R.I. (WPRI) – Cumberland School officials sent an email to parents on Wednesday, notifying them one high school student has been diagnosed with whooping cough.
In the email obtained by Eyewitness News, school officials instructed parents to watch for symptoms of whooping cough, or Pertussis in their children.
This comes one week after the Department of Health confirmed eight cases of Pertussis at Ponaganset High School in Scituate.
While many people are vaccinated against Pertussis as infants, health officials said the strength of the vaccine weakens as they get older.
Symptoms of Pertussis are coughing, fever, and a runny nose.”
Shut down the state. Shut it down! One kid in Cumberland has whooping cough. Thank God I’ve been watching the Walking Dead because this is undoubtedly the start of a zombie apocalypse. Did you read those symptoms? Coughing, fever, A RUNNY NOSE! Why did this terrible disease have to come and invade my home state! We need to be in full blown quarantine mode right now. Anyone seen coughing, sneezing or wincing needs to be taken out before this gets out of control. Rhode Island will not go down without a fight!
– Ryan
P.S. What year is it? I thought whooping cough was cured 100 years ago.
If You Hang Out With Bruce Dusting, You Better Be Ready to Marry Him
(Source) “A woman who turned down a marriage proposal from a well-to-do suitor was shocked when he handed a bill of more than £115,000 for everything he claims to have spent on her.
Single mother Marie Lacombe, 42, from Melbourne, Australia, says she and 65-year-old Bruce Dusting were never romantically involved.
But it seems he felt differently about their relationship, claiming she led him on to extract money from him to fund Zumba classes, shopping trips and even cosmetic surgery.
Ms.Lacombe met Mr. Dusting four years ago when she began teaching him dance. The pair became good friends, with Mr. Dusting taking her for dinner and visiting her home regularly.
But things between them turned sour when he asked for her hand in marriage – and she turned him down.
Now he has handed her an itemized bill outlining every single penny he ever gave her or spent on her behalf, which amounts to a hefty AU$200,000 (£116,638).”
Poor Bruce. He gives this lady $155,000 of his own money for Zumba and clothes and surgery, and she can’t even give him the common courtesy of her hand in marriage? Appalling. Now he’s sulking on his couch, alone and confused. What did Marie really expect in this situation. A rich old man is giving you endless amounts of money, taking you out to dinner and basically letting you live your dream life. You didn’t think he was going to come back and want something in return. Granted marriage is kind of an odd request, but Bruce Hastings is a man who zeroes in on something and gets it. Except in this case, because now he’s just a sad old man.
– Ryan
P.S. Marie is the worst looking 42 year old on planet Earth.
I’m Mildly Excited For December 10th
December 10th is marked on the calendar as quite possibly the best day of the year. Throw Taylor Swift in the mix and you have yourself a collection of bombshells from hell. I’ve never been more excited for a Tuesday night in my life.
– Ryan
Snake Massages Are Apparently a Thing People Get
(Source) “After a long, hard day what sounds better than a nice relaxing massage … from three 6-foot-long pythons?
In Indonesia, that’s exactly what one massage parlor is offering for the low price of only $43, according to Yahoo News. The 90-minute treatment involves allowing the three snakes to slither on a person’s body, which is probably the least-relaxing way to relax that I can possibly think of.
The snakes mouths are taped shut during the massage, and there are staff members present to prod them on and make sure they don’t strangle clients and slurp them down for lunch.
The parlor also offers other unusual services: a massage from a guy in a gorilla suit and a bath in a tub of beer, the latter of which must be a popular way to unwind after all the other traumatizing experiences people have at this place.”
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fQQ_vMn0YqI&feature=youtube_gdata_player
Why. Why is this a real thing? Who would pay $43 to have three snakes slither all over you while some sick freak watches. I really don’t understand some people. So you’re gonna pass up a massage from a human who has hands in favor of a wild snake. I can’t imagine too many massuesse’s are also trained snake handlers. You want some tips on who might be the next serial killer? Follow whoever is getting a snake massage around. People who do this are probably into a lot weirder shit than snake massages. Maybe something along the lines of getting a massage by someone wearing a gorilla suit. Or sitting in a bath full of beer. Sick, sick puppies.
– Ryan
P.S. That beer bath does not sound fun. I like beer in my belly, not all over my body mixed with my own filth.
Vladimir Putin Awarded Grandmaster Status in Taekwondo Even Though He Doesn’t Do Taekwondo
“Russian president Vladimir Putin has been awarded the highest rank in taekwondo, giving him honorary grandmaster status.
It means the president has attained a higher ranking than former US martial artist Chuck Norris. The actor has an eight-degree black belt, while Mr. Putin has a ninth-degree.
The president does not practice taekwondo, but holds a black belt in Judo and has been awarded an eighth Dan in the martial art by the International Judo Federation.”
Oh Putin doesn’t study taekwondo? He practices Judo? That’s adorable, now give him the 9th degree black belt and grandmaster status before he wrestles a bear and kicks your ass. If I ruled an entire country I’d probably pull off power moves like this too. Shoot bow and arrows shirtless. Get 9th degree black belts in something he doesn’t even practice. Your move, Chuck Norris.
– Ryan
Lauren Podell is Not Happy with Her Microphone
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q6h21njdcRc&feature=youtube_gdata_player
News reporters saying the F word live on air will never get old to me. I could survive on endless YouTube videos of reporters swearing. Lauren Podell, you just made this guys day.
– Ryan
Masturbating at the DMV Has to be an All Time Low For Humanity
(Source) “Just when you thought the DMV couldn’t get any worse.
Edward Michael Alvin, 34, was arrested last week after an off-duty cop caught the man allegedly masturbating at the Department of Highway Safety and Motor Vehicles office in West Palm Beach, Fla.
The Sun-Sentinel reported that Alvin began masturbating in the lobby of the DMV on Friday.
An off-duty officer told Alvin to stop, but the suspect ignored him and was placed under arrest. He was charged with indecent exposure, and released later that evening.
In July, Alvin was arrested after allegedly stealing his former boss’ car, then crashing it while intoxicated, according to court records.
Public masturbation might be how some people get off, but that doesn’t get them off the hook with police.
Kevin Bishop, a 44-year-old man with 64 arrests already on his record, was allegedly caught masturbating on a New York subway in 2009. He was charged with public lewdness, but pleaded not guilty. Bishop told police that his “private parts fell out.”
“I looked down and it was out,” Bishop said. “It just popped out! I was trying to put it back.”
In September, Nathan Harrington allegedly gave his mailman a different kind of package when he was caught masturbating outside his home in front of the witness. He was charged with indecent conduct.
The mailman said this was the second time he had caught Harrington masturbating.”
This is disturbing on a few fronts. Obviously seeing anyone masturbating in public is pretty scarring. Tough to have a positive outlook on life when some guy is jerking off in plain sight. But of all places to masturbate in, why pick the DMV? The DMV is hell on earth. Everyone is miserable, nobody wants to be there, and you’re always there way longer than you want/need to be. If this is Edwin’s fetish then this is the sickest fetish in the history of the world. You really couldn’t wait until you got home, or in your car, or basically anywhere else on Earth? Just had to jerk off in the lobby. My only question is why did the officer ask him to stop before arresting him? So if he stopped you let him go and jerk off wherever he pleases? Lock it up. And please lock this guy up. You just can’t trust a guy who masturbates at the DMV.
– Ryan
Don Cheadle Will Play Miles Davis in New Biopic
(Source) “Don Cheadle will play Miles Davis in a biopic the actor has long planned on the innovative jazz pioneer.
BiFrost Pictures told The Associated Press on Wednesday that it will finance and produce “Kill the Trumpet Player,” with Cheadle also making his directorial debut. Cheadle has been trying to make the film for years. Production is finally set to begin in June.”
We haven’t seen much of Cheadle on the big screen lately, as he’s been busy with a lead role on Showtime’s House of Cards, but it looks like that’s about to change. The Kansas City native is now set to direct and star in the new Miles Davis biopic, with production set to start in June. Davis, dubbed “the epitome of cool”, was one of the most influential jazz musicians of all time. He was praised throughout his long career for the ability to blend various styles of music, including jazz, funk, rock and bop. Cheadle is an Academy Award nominated actor (Hotel Rwanda) who has delighted fans on both the big and silver screens. This is a very personal and important project for Cheadle, as the report states that he’s been trying to make the film for years. Here’s hoping he knocks this one out of the park.
– Average Nobodies
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