Before we begin, let’s all hope Dave Chappelle is hard at work on a new R. Kelly scandal song. I’m thinking ‘I’ll Never Let You Fly (The Hostage Song)’ to the beat of ‘ I Believe I Can Fly.

And now, back to the drama.

It has been a longggggggggggggg while since we heard from R&B singer, R. Kelly, and I think I know why.

Kelly has been pleasantly, or unpleasantly, keeping women in a cult.

Couple of things on my mind here before we continue about Mr Kelly

1. I didn’t know that cults provided food, shelter, and clothing. I thought they only provided Kool-Aid
2. What’s stopping women from leaving Mr. Kelly if they live in Chicago and Atlanta?  It’s not like they are next door neighbors

But, that’s neither here nor there …

Here’s an excerpt from the article:

Three former members of Kelly’s inner circle—Cheryl Mack, Kitti Jones, and Asante McGee— provided details supporting the parents’ worst fears. They said six women live in properties rented by Kelly in Chicago and the Atlanta suburbs, and he controls every aspect of their lives: dictating what they eat, how they dress, when they bathe, when they sleep, and how they engage in sexual encounters that he records. – Vice

First of all, keywords here are RENT, PARENTS, SEXUAL.  I’ll explain why.

1. Kelly is renting.  I guess “I Believe I Can Fly” didn’t make enough royalties to buy a home?  Can’t you leave rent agreements freely by calling the police?  What ever happened to that idea?  “Hi Officer, I’m being detained against my will because I won’t pay the rent, will you come arrest somebody.”  Try that.
2. Parents normally fear for their children’s lives.  Understandable.  However, they don’t go to the press – they go to the cops.  This is why I believe this is just terrible PR management and R. Kelly is just trying to make a comeback, and his publicist was just like “hey Rob, let’s run with the sex thing, tell your [expletives] they each get 50k.”.
3. Let’s see.  How about if he’s really being a dick, you can technically bite his tallywacker right off and claim temporary insanity, domestic abuse, and self defense all in one defense and BAM you’ll be that girl, but you’ll be … how do you say it … FREE

The truth is, this R. Kelly mess is just a big made up scam by his publicist in a desperate attempt to free R. Kelly’s soul.

On the other hand, let’s talk about the happy days when you didn’t know R. Kelly liked to perform golden showers and make females hang out with him against their will. Remember little Michael Jordan’s dad saying “And when you’re all done with that … I suppose … youre gonna fly, huh?” and Jordan dunking the ball? Oh the times, they have changed. But now you know where all that Space Jam money went, and obviously it’s not enough for Mr. Kelly because he can’t purchase a damn mansion and store his collective females there.

Oh, Lord, this has been one hell of a day.  I need a ZIMA.  Google it.

Stay Classy my Nobodies.  Until we meet again.

~The Doctah~