wanna go camping but “wildlife” scares the shit outta me.

— Feeno (@ArianFoster) March 5, 2017

Arian Foster’s Sunday started off like any other: tweeting out that he wants to go camping even though he’s afraid of the wildlife that lurks in the woods. Then things got real:

i honestly think i can get a wolf 1 on 1 tho.

— Feeno (@ArianFoster) March 5, 2017

wolves don’t scare me like that cuz in my neighborhood was a bunch of loose enraged pits. if he alone i think i can get him.

— Feeno (@ArianFoster) March 5, 2017

I’m not sure how you jump from ‘wants to camp’ to ‘I can beat up a wolf’, but that’s how Arian Foster’s brain works. He’s basing his dominance of wolves on a few things: 1. he apparently grew up around loose pitbull’s, which is a discussion for another time. 2. wolves don’t have thumbs. 3. wolves can’t read and 4. the thumb thing again.

none of them have thumbs. https://t.co/zoyE5MhGWH

— Feeno (@ArianFoster) March 5, 2017

thumbs means i can grab him .he can’t grab me. all he has is a mouth. grab his neck he can’t bite. https://t.co/5s61cihKVb

— Feeno (@ArianFoster) March 5, 2017

i’ve studied the wolf. he can’t read. i know his weaknesses. plus the thumb thing.

— Feeno (@ArianFoster) March 5, 2017

I’m not saying this is an insane theory, because I know an insane theory when I hear one. My friend once told us that he thought he could beat up a fully grown bear with just a stick. That’s an insane theory. Arian Foster fighting a wolf? Not insane, but his reasoning is dangerously unhinged. While it’s true that wolves do not have thumbs and they probably can’t read, I’m not sure those are the two things I’d be using as evidence if I was making a wolf fight theory. I can’t imagine running into a wolf in the middle of the woods and reassuring myself that everything is going to turn out OK because wolves don’t have thumbs and they can’t read. Just some really odd logic there. If you’re asking yourself ‘but what about the wolves claws and teeth?’, Arian Foster has that part covered, and yes he does relate it back to the thumbs talking point.

“what about his teeth? and claws?” this ain’t a video game. one hit and i’m done. it’s a fight.

— Feeno (@ArianFoster) March 5, 2017

if he bites me his main weapon is immobilized. then becomes vulnerable. this is why thumbs are so important.

— Feeno (@ArianFoster) March 5, 2017

While not having thumbs and not being able to read are an important factor in this wolf fight, Foster reminds us that it starts and ends with a winning attitude:

y’all will never kill a wolf with this kind of attitude. he’s already defeated you off of reputation. not me. fuck him.

— Feeno (@ArianFoster) March 5, 2017

Join us next week when Brett Favre goes on Facebook Live and talks about how he thinks he can win a fight against  a lion.

-Ryan