The 2014 version of WWE SummerSlam is headlined by champion John Cena defending against The Conqueror Brock Lesnar. While this feud is being used to sell SummerSlam, there are a lot more matches on the card, including two Divas bouts. If you’re into betting on wrestling (you’re insane if you are) here are our picks for tonight’s event.

Cesaro defeats Rob Van Dam in the Kickoff match. WHY IS CESARO IN THE KICKOFF MATCH!?

Dolph Ziggler defeats The Miz to win the Intercontinental Championship. Ziggler’s ascension continues

Stephanie McMahon defeats Brie Bella

AJ Lee defeats Paige and my heart gently weeps

Bray Wyatt defeats Chris Jericho CLEAN FINALLY (hopefully)

Seth Rollins defeats Dean Ambrose with the help of some evil lumberjacks

Randy Orton defeats Roman Reigns with a hopefully cool counter RKO. Reigns is turning into the tan Sheamus and a win here will only make things worse.

Rusev defeats Swagger in a flag match. Zeb Colter tells us he’s been faking it all along and is actually a beautifully in shape 25 year old man and stops Rusev from desecrating the American flag post match. Also, Lana’s legs.

Brock Lesnar defeats John Cena to win the WWE World Heavyweight Championship. Maybe. Or Cena wins. And nothing matters any more.

Don’t forget to follow us @averagenobodies. We’ll be live tweeting the whole show.

– The Average Nobodies