Amazon Customer Reviews – HARIBO Teddy Bears

“Just don’t. Unless it’s a gift for someone you hate.”


If these reviews are any indication, do not, I repeat DO NOT ever buy HARIBO teddy bears. Now, let’s get to the reviews.

Out of body experience….

I am writing this review of Haribo Gummy Bears as a form of closure, from the psychological and physical extremes these candies have caused me….
It all began innocently enough on a fateful day in June when I discovered this wonderful deal on amazon. I happily clicked away upon my mouse and keyboard as I surfed my way towards 5 pounds of sugar free goodness. The next few days were filled with as much anticipation as it was filled with an unfiltered sense of happiness. You can imagine the day I saw the package on my porch, a series of high pitched wood hatch like happy noises escaped my mouth as my heart raced with pure joy….I tore into the package with a ravenousness rarely seen outside of the wilds of the African Sarenghetti…. Like a kid on Christmas morning! I spent the entire day bathing my taste buds in gooey goodness that is the haribo gummy bear…. Then as I slept soundly that night, not a creature was stirring not even a mouse… When out of the depths of the 7th ring of hell rose such a guttural roar of evil, causing me to shoot straight up out of bed… I was disoriented … Hallucinating…. I was led from my bed chambers by a midget sized giraffe named Raymond….. Though Raymond was pleasant enough I was terrified from the demonic bellows escaping from somewhere near by…. Raymond and I entered to land of a thousand toilets…. He skipped away whistling a tune of repression and sadness…. As my body seemed to float towards a giant golden toilet….. I was watching myself through the toilet water in my bathroom of my home, as I starred on with a mixture of confusion, pain and terror… My body gave birth to a mass of evil resembling something from the depths of the Everglades swamps in Florida… My body wretched about like a stripper on bath salts…. I let out screams that would make a mountain lion cringe… The smell was that of a thousand rotting plates of Indian food…. Tears flew from my eyes… Sweat soaked my exhausted body…. I awoke the next morning lying next to my toilet surrounded by homeland security… As I write this review I ponder why I clicked away on amazon that day… Now spending the rest of my life in maximum security for release of a WMD on American soil…..

Rumors confirmed

I ate 10…..10 thats it. Hell was still unleashed upon me.
A little backstory. I purchased some from a grocery store as a joke on my friends that unfortunately never came to fruition. Ive had them a little over a month now and they’ve just kinda been sitting in my room. Well today I was desperate for some candy and I had absolutely none. Then I remembered the bears. I then also remembered all the reviews that had prompted me to buy them as a joke. So I left them alone. Finally I couldn’t take it anymore and I figured if I just ate a few i’d be fine. Everything in moderation right? Wrong. I literally ate 10. Two hours went by and I was feeling pretty good about myself, I had absolutely no symptoms. Then a massive rumble came from deep within me. I thought nothing of it, figuring that would be it. Again I was wrong. 5 minutes later i hauled my ass into that bathroom and unloaded. Im pretty sure I saw some birthday cake from my last birthday in there somewhere. It burned like all hell and it came out like it had a score to settle with the little pond below me. I was just thinking to myself, “Why did I ingest these satan bears”
They’re so misleading too, they taste delicious so they deceive you even if you know their story. My advice. Just walk away. You don’t want this. I probably won’t need to poop for the rest of May.

Hello from the grave

Well I read all the reveiws and bought a bag because thats who I am… Or should I say was. I decided to eat all of them and I am dead now. That is all.

Hells Candy Inducers

~~Eat a bowl of Haribo, scorch your guts, s*** out your soul~~ should be the new theme for the commercials relating to sugar free version

They are real….all of the reviews are real

Heed my title… im telling you these gummy bears unleashed the 7 seals of hell inside my intestines….. i stayed on the toilet so long there was literally nothing left except gaseous anal air forcefully rattling my sphincter

I thought all of these reviews were B.S…. a marketing ploy to get people to try them which would have worked cause Im stupid

I ate about three handfuls during a meeting… within about an hour my stomach was gurgling… in two hours i was burping gummy bears and heading to the bathroom… 2 hours and 1 min…. my anal orifice was exploding

I couldnt concentrate on anything except perhaps the gummy bear families i had consumed had somehow bound their gummy bodies together and begun constricting around my stomach… its 8am and my stomach still isnt right….

I feel like a war torn soldier with the 1000 yard stare…. my belly was raped by tiny colored delicious bears

Lesson here: find a different brand of gummy bears unless you want to shit out your soul. If you have any funny Amazon review suggestions comment below or tweet us @averagenobodies.

– Ryan

About ryanfoges

I want to experience as much as I can while I'm here. Come along for the ride @rfogarty7.

Posted on June 10, 2014, in Average Blog Posts and tagged , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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