Now that Vladimir Putin has made it clear he’s not messing around in Crimea, I think it’s time America’s best and brightest band together and show him that just because you can ride a horse without a shirt on does not mean you can tell us what to do. NOT UP IN HERE PUTIN! Here are our respective dream teams that we’d take into the field of battle against the ring stealing madman:

Matt’s Team – The Avengers Redux

My team is set up very similar to The Avengers. As the captain (America) of my team I serve as the level headed leader for a crew that can be described, at best, as “unstable”. Andre the Giant (Hulk) serves as team muscle and pretty much destroys anything in his path. As a man who has been known to slug back 30 beers in one casual sitting, i’d like to see Putin’s army stack up against him at the bar. Ain’t gonna happen. Next on my list of psychos is the terminator himself, Arnold “The Governor” Schwarzenegger (Thor). The man who has single-handedly kicked more ass than all of Russia combined will be my lead guy on the battlefield. There is no weapon he can’t fire, no vehicle he can’t drive, and no neck he can’t break. Now onto my cocky, yet effective, right-hand man: Bear Grylls (Iron Man). The modern day MacGyver,  the man who can survive in any element, and under any conditions would be a perfect addition to this mod squad. If I need anything while out on the field of battle, Bear can get it done. But i’m not going to trust him with a gun, i’m smarter than that. Last, but certainly not least, Julius Cesar. While I can’t really equate this man to anyone in the Avengers, I can safely say that he will fit in nicely with this crew. Serving as the “Brain” to my “Pinky”, Julius will be my field general. He will out smart the Russian army, take control of their cities, and make them fight one another purely for the sport of it.

I can’t lose. Game. Set. Vieira.

Ryan’s Team – Hell’s Army

Team Captain: Vincent Kennedy McMahon. He’s been leading oddballs into battle since the 70s, and what Vinnie Mac wants, Vinnie Mac gets. His income is vast, and I’m pretty sure he’s the biggest supporter of America living today. Vinnie Mac oozes patriotism. I need his business savvy and overall insanity to lead this band of brothers.

Warriors: Teddy Roosevelt, Bruce Lee and myself. My abilities, especially in warfare, are pretty limited. That’s why I’m going to rely on my boys Teddy and Bruce to do the heavy work. Teddy Roosevelt was President of these here United  States and I’m pretty sure he used to hunt animals with only a spear. Plus, MUSTACHE. Bruce Lee is probably the toughest/fastest human in history and I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s already actually killed someone. Old school brute force combined with new school lighting quick action. Good luck Putin.

Wildcard: Robert Ford. But wait, there’s more! Will Rob Ford be high on crack and die? Will he break his ankle or stumble backwards and get killed? Or will he be the saving grace of my dream team? That’s the beauty of Rob Ford: you never know what you’re going to get. But my bet is on he smokes crack and dies.

Simply stated, I love my team. Send us in a la Bruce and Ben in Armageddon, except this teime Putin is our asteroid. Prepare to be drilled (not in a sexual way).

PS

Help support our YouTube web series, Twitter News Weekly! Twitter News Weekly uses YOUR tweets to tell the news. A new episode is released only once a week, but we hope to change that. Every dollar you pledge helps us make better and more frequent content for you! Pledge your monthly donation (as low as 1 dollar per month) at http://www.patreon.com/AverageNobodies. Different donation levels will get you a specific reward from The Average Nobodies.