Dating profiles are sweeping nation. EHarmony. Match. Black People Meet. You name it, they’ve got a dating site for it. So we decided to get in on the fun. The following are all stone cold facts.

Username: Matthew “The Snake Roberts” Vieira

Age: 24 3/4

Height/Weight: 6 feet, zero inches / 250 pounds of twisted steel and sex appeal

Occupation: Bay Saver, Blogger extraordinaire, herder of social media

Special Skills: Piano playing ability (one song), sub-3 second beer shotgun, 18 words per/min on a typewriter

First Date

Here’s how our first date would go down. Maybe we start at a comedy club; I get you laughing and that’s it consider the ice, not broken, but smashed in 1 million pieces. Up next I want to get two things flowing: good beer and live music. Maybe it’s a piano bar where I get up on stage and dust off the old piano lesson days. Half-way through my rendition of “Mary had a little lamb” the second date is already a lock. If it rains on any of our dates I would lend you my umbrella, but I don’t have one (it’s the thought that counts). Chivalry isn’t dead.

Username: Ryan “69” Fogarty

Age: 21 for the 5th year in a row

Height/Weight: 6 feet 1 inches with steel toed boots. 200 pounds, but doctors tell me my lungs are heavier than a normal person’s

Occupation: Helper of old, disoriented people; Overall neat guy

Special Skills: Own my own island in a field in Warwick, RI; extensive collection of sandals; award winning body surfer

First Date

The “69” in my username is for my birthday, June 9th (or is it). Our first date would be at a BYOB establishment so I can be in my element. All the great entertainers were at their best after a few drinks, and I’m no exception. Then we head somewhere with live music, preferably somewhere with a Tracy Chapman cover band. Naturally I drink too much and we probably don’t have a second date. But the jokes on you, sweet cheeks. I’m already on the second verse of “Fast Car”.