Monster Blog Wednesday – An Average Nobody Dating Profile

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Dating profiles are sweeping nation. EHarmony. Match. Black People Meet. You name it, they’ve got a dating site for it. So we decided to get in on the fun. The following are all stone cold facts.

Username: Matthew “The Snake Roberts” Vieiramatt

Age: 24 3/4

Height/Weight: 6 feet, zero inches / 250 pounds of twisted steel and sex appeal

Occupation: Bay Saver, Blogger extraordinaire, herder of social media

Special Skills: Piano playing ability (one song), sub-3 second beer shotgun, 18 words per/min on a typewriter

First Date

Here’s how our first date would go down. Maybe we start at a comedy club; I get you laughing and that’s it consider the ice, not broken, but smashed in 1 million pieces. Up next I want to get two things flowing: good beer and live music. Maybe it’s a piano bar where I get up on stage and dust off the old piano lesson days. Half-way through my rendition of “Mary had a little lamb” the second date is already a lock. If it rains on any of our dates I would lend you my umbrella, but I don’t have one (it’s the thought that counts). Chivalry isn’t dead.

Username: Ryan “69” Fogartyryan

Age: 21 for the 5th year in a row

Height/Weight: 6 feet 1 inches with steel toed boots. 200 pounds, but doctors tell me my lungs are heavier than a normal person’s

Occupation: Helper of old, disoriented people; Overall neat guy

Special Skills: Own my own island in a field in Warwick, RI; extensive collection of sandals; award winning body surfer

First Date

The “69” in my username is for my birthday, June 9th (or is it). Our first date would be at a BYOB establishment so I can be in my element. All the great entertainers were at their best after a few drinks, and I’m no exception. Then we head somewhere with live music, preferably somewhere with a Tracy Chapman cover band. Naturally I drink too much and we probably don’t have a second date. But the jokes on you, sweet cheeks. I’m already on the second verse of “Fast Car”.

About MattFromRI

Bucs fan. Podcast producer. Social media manager. Movie goer. Gamer. Filmmaker. Reader of comics. King under the Mountain.

Posted on February 19, 2014, in Average Blog Posts and tagged , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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