Ted the Raccoon is Terrorizing New York

(Source) “Commuters are being stalked and terrorized by  gangs of raccoons.

The creatures have been jumping out of trees  at people outside train stations before  retreating.

One New York metro stop has  been particularly badly hit by a beast known to locals as Ted.

The prevalence of raccoon attacks at Marble  Station on the Metro-North railroad has forced the local sanitation department  to clean up the street in front of the station.

One raccoon victim, Milagros Maldonado, said  he had come across a ‘huge’ raccoon at the station this week.

Frightening raccoons have been reported to be present  outside two New York metro stations

 The 28-year-old told the New York Daily Post:  ‘I was scared. I started screaming. I don’t want this to happen to me  again.”

Frightening raccoons have been reported to be present outside two New York metro stations

Well this is horrifying. On the bright side at least it’s not a murder of crows swooping down and plucking people’s eyes out. On the dark side Ted the Raccoon has recruited some of the sickest motherfuckers in the New York area to jump out of trees, and take back their turf. I’ve been warning my friends that birds are going to start teaming up and attacking humans. This is phase 1: Ground attack. Raccoons and skunks teaming up in one of our major cities, attacking people where they feel most comfortable: their own neighborhoods. Phase 2, dare I say it, is the air attack. Hawks, owls, falcons. You name it, they’re coming for us. We can’t be surprised that this is happening. Skunks and raccoons have started the uprising, and if I ate trash my whole life and was shunned by society I’d think about taking people out too. All they needed was a leader, and Ted is apparently that leader. Birds had the entire sky until we just had to create airplanes. Was it really worth it Wright Brothers? Just wait until Harry the Hawk unleashes his plan of vengeance. Don’t say I never told you so.

– Ryan

About ryanfoges

I want to experience as much as I can while I'm here. Come along for the ride @rfogarty7.

Posted on October 3, 2013, in Average Blog Posts and tagged . Bookmark the permalink. 2 Comments.

  1. What the fuck did I just read?

Leave a Reply