I had a dentist appointment this morning. It’s something that I have dreaded since my last appointment 6 months ago. First thing I did today was brush my teeth like a madman, trying to make up for nearly a half-year of semi-poor oral hygiene.  Listen, i’m not saying that I don’t brush my teeth regularly, all i’m saying is sometimes I rinse out with Listerine and call it a brush job.

You walk into the waiting room at 7am, because apparently “ass crack of dawn” is the only appointments they take, and it looks like a holding tank at a Charlie Daniels concert.

aka the waiting room from BeetleJuice

Everyone looks as miserable as you are to be there. You sit and wait for an hour, because why? Because fuck having an appointment, thats why. They are better off implementing a deli counter system for the dentist office. Take a number, take a seat, and rot away reading 2 year-old Highlights Magazines.

Finally, you get in to have your teeth cleaned. Actually, i’m not even sure you can call it a “cleaning”, it’s more like torture for your gums. The hygienist uses these primitive tools that look like something Dr. Frankenstein would use to create his next monster.  Just jagged-ass metal spikes that get shoved around your mouth all willy-nilly.  Then she has the nerve to lecture you on how “I don’t floss enough”.  Listen lady, I pay my dental insurance for this torture twice-a-year, you and me both know i’m not going to start flossing at 24. So save your breath and get back to tearing up my mouth.

If leaving the dentist battered and bruised isn’t shitty enough I just remembered I will be back in 6 months to do it again.

-MattyV