Really, nothing is sacred anymore — not even Monopoly. Because kids’ days are filled with obligations and organized activities, young children today are apparently busier than any of their predecessors in history, toy manufacturers like Hasbro are tailoring board games to make them faster to play. “Hasbro’s new Monopoly Empire, in which players compete to amass the most big-name brands, such as Coca-Cola  Xbox and McDonald’s, can be completed in as little as 30 minutes, compared with the hours that traditional Monopoly could take,” reports The Wall Street Journal’s Ann Zimmerman. Hasbro accomplished this depressing feat in part by removing the jail, which speeds up the pace and also removes a crucial safe zone in the latter stages of the game. Monopoly isn’t the only game adopting to changes changes in kids’ time commitments. Scrabble, Zimmerman notes, has a fast and furious version of the game that can be completed in two minutes and 30 seconds. And there are speedy versions of Boggle and Rubik’s Cubes on the market, too. These are all designed to fit into the pockets of time allotted to kids these days in between gymnastics classes, test prep courses, and whatever else they’re signed up for. But at the heart of it, these “fast” games undermine the whole notion of board games, which are supposed to encourage bonding and silly fights over the “bank” stealing money or whether “knifes” counts as a word. Winning as quickly as possible was never the issue. At least not until recently. – AtlanticWire

I wish I wrote for Barstool so I could give this article the “pussification” title it truly deserves. Monopoly is not meant to be a quick, fun game. It’s meant to torture your soul for hours until you either submit or emerge champion. The worst part is I don’t even like Monopoly. It’s boring. But you don’t alter American landmarks. Hasbro should travel to South Dakota and chisel George Washington’s face off of Mt. Rushmore. Then they can fly to DC and piss on the Declaration of Independence. You’ve gone too far Hasbro. Monopoly is the board game version of life. Some people are rich, some people are poor. Some people work on railroads, some people sip mai tai’s on the boardwalk. If you fuck up, you go to jail. You’re trying to tell me that people can no longer go to jail? When you inevitably see anarchy in the streets, make sure you remember this day. The day Hasbro ruined America.

– Ryan

P.S. I’m glad Ace Ventura kicked his ass