Monsterblog Wednesday: Lord Stanley’s Smokes
Since the very first dawn shed it’s light upon the earliest of our ancestors there has been one question that has haunted mankind above any other. Before fire, before the wheel, even before language when grunts and fist-fighting were more than adequate for debating. One eternal discussion, one unsolvable mystery. Who’s the hottest of them all?
We here at Average Nobodies are not above such discussion. In fact we had this debate over the weekend. Except we wanted to add a little twist in the light of how fucking awesome the Bruins are playing at the moment. We decided to leave behind the top ten lists, forget about the top fives. Lets make a hockey line-up of who we think are the hottest celebs out there.
1. One goalie two defenders and three forwards.
2. You have to explain why you picked them and why they’re at a certain position.
3. Fuck rules do whatever you want.
4. Bill Paxton and George Clooney are fair game.
Here goes nothing!
Let me first start with the heart and soul of my team: Kate Beckinsale
Kate Upton, and Kate Hudson; Kate Cubed, if you will. These lovely ladies are my ice melting goal scorers. With Upton in the middle and Beckinsale and Hudson on either side of you (Oh jesus..picture that for a minute) you cannot lose. Now lets move behind them to the defense. This hard hitting duo is sure to leave your ears ringing with sweet melodies. Norah Jones and Alicia Keys, concert pianists, song writers, and beautiful brawlers. If, for some insane reason, you are able to penetrate any of the pre-menitoned girls (See what i’m doing here?) then you have reached my goalie, the “tough girl” of the silver screen, Michelle Rodriguez. Michelle is used to dominating in a mans world and she will do no different here. Don’t mess with THIS goalie, she will for sure knock you out (I’m pretty positive that’s actually true)
P.S. Coach – Demi Moore-Willis-Kutcher (Scorpion Woman)
D- Olivia Munn
Coach- Catherine, Duchess of Cambridge. A.k.a Kate Middleton.
This team needs little introduction, if any at all. You know em, you’ve seen em, you know what they’re capable of, and that’s greatness. The perfect mix of young upstarts and seasoned veterans. You have the ones who’ve been to the title game and brought home the trophy (Scarlett, Eva and Ms, Hayek) while at the same time benefiting from the hungry newcomers (Emma, Olivia, and J-Law).
Need I explain my choice at coach? The Duchess of Cambridge? Boss as hell, pregnant or not.
Three smokin’ forwards, two bombshell defenders and the maybe the most promising young talent of her draft class, J-Law, holding strong in net. Stanley Cup Lock of the Millenium.
F Rosie Jones
F Paulina Gretzky
F Maryse Ouellet
D Rachel McAdams
D Charlize Theron
G Olivia Wilde
Coach- Gwen Stefani
Offense: I got Rosie Jones, British supermodel, she’s got style, speed, and young, perfect left winger in my eyes. On the other side I have her compliment in the blonde bomber, ex WWE diva Maryse. She’s got champion written all over her and carries a few heavy shots. In the middle none other than the Great One’s daughter. The heir to the throne, Paulina Gretzky. The total package and unlike her father she ain’t afraid to throw down in a fight.
Defense: Ever seen Mean Girls? Rachel McAdams will straight up mind fuck you. When you’re charging down the ice and lock eyes with her you’re off your game and you don’t even know it.
Oh and there’s my enforcer, Charlize Theron. Not only can she get in your head, she’s got the size to back it up. She’s a big broad and I like it.
Goalie: Her name represents her style, Wilde. Olivia Wilde is my rock in the net. She’s been on a steady rise to the top and it’s only a matter of time before she stands alone at the top of the league.
Coach: I’ve always had a constant trust with Gwen Stefani. Smarts and looks, and she’s been so good for so long. She’s the perfect boss for my squad. She’s been to the top before, now it’s time to show the next generation the mountain.
I realize my team consists of hot chicks who are actual or pretend to be psychopaths, and that’s how I intended it.
Forward – Stacey Keibler
Forward – Emmy Rossum
Forward – Nicky Whelan
Defense – Alice Greczyn
Defense – Miley Cyrus
Goalie/Coach – Jennifer Aniston
Stacey Keibler: 99% jealous she gets to skinny dip with Clooney, 1% ex WWE Diva. She stole my favorite man and my favorite passion and continually rubs it in my face. But she’s one of the hottest girls on the planet, and she’s got legs for days. Did I mention she dates Clooney?
Emmy Rossum: One of my three sleepers. If you don’t watch Shameless (you really should) then you might not know who Ms. Rossum is. She’s 5 feet and 8 inches of straight sex. Another absolute knockout who I know has a little freaky side. Also one hell of a talented actress. And she’s got great boobs. Between 5’8 Emmy and 5’11 Stacey I easily have the biggest forwards in the league. Game. Set. Match.
Nicky Whelan: My 2nd sleeper. She’s Australian. She’s gorgeous. She was in an episode of Workaholics and you get to see her boobs in Hall Pass. Talk about being four for four. If that’s enough, just remember that old French proverb: Australian girls make the best hockey players
Alice Greczyn: My 3rd sleeper. Just beyond words. Lights the screen on fire in Sex Drive, and I knew we had something special when I took the time to learn how to spell her last name right. A lot of people might ask why my forwards are monsters and I have little Alice on defense. Because this team has heart, and sweet angelic faces.
Miley Cyrus: The ultimate wildcard. 20 year old phenom. Already showing her freaky/dangerously insane side. Bleach blonde crew cut. Ass hanging out of every pair of shorts she’s ever worn. She’s gonna knock you down then spit in your mouth and possibly give you a venereal disease. If there’s one person I wouldn’t want to see coming at me on skates its Miley Fucking Cyrus.
Jennifer Aniston. The veteran. El Capitan. She’s been a boner machine since the mid 90s, and she hasn’t lost a step. Still smoking hot at the age of 44, still cool as hell. My most important piece to the puzzle. If I had to rank my 6 firecrackers JA would be numero uno. The young babes fight and claw for fame and glory, while she remains my rock in the net. She has made it to the mountaintop, and she likes the view. Just like in hockey, I’m riding the smoking hot goalie all the way to the championship. (I’m assuming this is a competition).
There ya have it! Let us know if you think we’re out of our minds, or if we’ve just constructed the first perfect squad of literal puck sluts!