These are the worst thing your peepers can witness in the morning.

Rain

“On the 7th day, while god rested his lazy ass, Satan created rain.” -Matt 3:16.  That’s a verse from the good book, right? Nothing takes the wind out of your sails more than waking up in the morning, taking a giant stretch and piss, and looking out the window to find that everything (and in a few minutes you) is soaking wet.  If you’re not sure what feeling i’m talking about take a second and think about what it feels like to wake up in the morning and see piles and piles of snow, and realizing that you have no work/school. Good feeling, right? Now think that exact opposite feeling and punch yourself in the face, that’s what rain does to me.

A Cold Shower

Sticking with the water hate, the next thing on my list is a cold shower.  Coming from someone who lives with two other dudes that love hot showers as much as me, this is a constant battle.  The number one thing that gets me to drag my ass out of bed in the morning is the thought that a few feet from me is paradise.  I walk to the bathroom, start the shower, tear my clothes off, and hop in. The water almost always starts as warm, this is the way the demon, that is my hot water heater, lures me in.  I lather up, and then BAM, ice cold water.  This gets me in a rage, the type of rage that is only curable by a hot water.  You can see why this is a horrific start to my day.

Exercise Infomercials

Most days I wake up to my TV as my alarm.  If I select the right channel this can be a pleasant surprise upon wakeup.  Since I’ve been doing this i’ve woken up to such gems as: Slap Shot, Ace Ventura, 2 Fast 2 Furious, and Varsity Blues.  A nice wakeup setlist.  But then there are THOSE mornings when I open my eyes to some ripped piece of trash yelling at me to keep my core tight.  As far as i’m concerned there should be a law banning exercise infomercials pre-10am.  Nothing on this earth makes me feel lazier than laying in my bed, with a possible hand down my pants, watching people do jumping jacks.  You’re not motivating me to buy your DVD, You’re motivating me to find out where you live.

You’re out of [insert your favorite breakfast food]

Honey Nut Cheerios is the king of cereals like Bud is the king of beers, and Nick Cage is the king of actors.  It has been a staple in my cabinet for years, if not decades.  Besides my hot shower this is the second thing on my list of 3 things that get me out of bed in the morning (the third is your mom….ZING) I am pretty absent-minded when it comes to groceries.  So for me to forget that i’m out of my favorite cereals happens more than I would like to admit.  Not having my Cheerios in the morning throws off my whole day, kinda like how not dressing like an asshole throws off Will Smith’s kid (Have you seen the way he dresses? He’s like the fresh prince of planet strange).

Someone video taping me

This is a true story and I would rather not talk about it.  Just lock your doors and don’t have creepy friends and you will be fine.

–Matt

Honorable mentions

Your house is on fire, your leg is asleep, a fan falls on your head, you wake up in a tub..underwater (true story) and your didn’t plug in your phone and now it is dead.