I’m 100% sure that everyone has had the “If I won the lottery…” argument with their friends at one point or another.  This past weekend some jamoke in Florida took home 600 mil, and while i’m also sure that they don’t deserve it like I do, I would like to share with you my own personal, “If I won the lottery…” story.

If I won the lottery, yeah I’d do the whole houses, cars, clothes,  and crazy parties deal, but there’s something else I’d do first.  I’m not necessarily the most flashy guy in the world, you can ask my friends, I rotate through the same 5-7 shirts and 3 pairs (one red) of jeans each week.  Another thing I’m not? Mentally stable, is a good answer.  Even though my current job is the last place I’d like to be, I’m dying to (re)gain complete independence from my parents.  Therefore, upon discovering my golden ticket, I would become a ghost for 3-4 weeks.  No one would know my whereabouts.  I would take the time to evaluate every single expense my parents have compounded since I was conceived.  I would take these expenses and break them down into food, activities, housing, etc. and for each year of my life I would put a dollar amount next to these items, essentially creating and itemized list of what it’s cost for my existence from conception to present day.  Now I’m no mathlete, so the 3-4 weeks is absolutely necessary to figure this out.  Then like a caterpillar from the cocoon, I will emerge from the shadows at a circus like press conference to claim my prize.  My man/boy dirt beard would be in full effect and I will be wearing my “Free Buddy” t shirt, circa 2006, and claim my prize looking like the biggest bum you’ve ever seen.  On that day I will present my parents with a check representing my entire life in dollar signs, along with some cash and a house for each of them to live in because all they do is yell at each other anyway.  Same for my sister.  The mortgages on the rest of my family members homes would be erased and I’d take my friends on a vacation to hell and back.  Maybe I’ll make myself look like a real hero and donate a chunk of change to charity or something too.  The icing on the cake would be my trip to WWE headquarters where I’d meet up with Triple H and Shawn Michaels, take a photo of the three of us doing the D-Generation X “suck it” symbol, place it on the tallest billboard of my hometown (which happens to be across the street from my high school), and leave it up there for eternity, it will be my masterpiece.

After that, I will disappear into the night like Clooney after a one night stand.  Never to be heard from again.  No one will find me, unless I want them to, and I can live with a smile on my face until my dying day.  What exactly will I do with the rest of my money? That’s for me to know, and you to not, but what you can be sure of is that I won’t be spending it all on some fancy record player.  But until that day comes, I’ll continue to be an asshole, just an asshole that’s kind of handsome, and occasionally has funny things to say.

-Berno