Blog Archives

“You Refuse to Update Your Relationship Status on Facebook”: A Breakup in 2014

At least the guy numbered his grievances. That’s about the only good thing I have to say about this breakup text. Also, it’s probably a good thing this girl got out of this relationship because there’s a solid chance this guy was planning to wear her as a skin coat. Guys with cats are already kind of a red flag (no offense Matt), and the rest of the reasons he lists here are borderline insane. The Facebook thing has to happen more often than we hear about. I  can only imagine this eating away at people as they stalk their significant other’s profiles. Constantly being teased by their friends who tell them “if it’s not Facebook official you’re not a real couple”. It’s clear that this guy finally broke down and he couldn’t take it anymore. Unless these two are 16 years old, the last two reasons are null and void. People swear, deal with it, and if you think you’re going to find a girl or guy over the age of 25 who has had less than 3 sexual partners you are literally looking for a unicorn: I’m pretty sure they exist, I’ve just never seen one. I know there are more crazy breakup texts out there, and if I’m being honest, now that I’ve had a taste of them, I need more. Fire up the internet! It’s breakup text research time.

- Ryan

H/T UPROXX

Monster Blog Wednesday: Exotic Pets

Monster Blog Wednesday is back in full swing. This week? Well, this week we offer up our choices for exotic pets. Simple right? NOPE. Here’s the kicker: We are counting extinct animals in our selections. Got yours? No? That’s ok, take a look at our picks for inspiration.

Wooly Mammouth

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Large, Majestic, and hairy, The Wooly Mammoth is my perfect spirit animal and pet! I really have no idea what these guys were like but I bet they were loyal as hell. Loyalty is one of the main personality traits i look for in a beast-friend. Secondly, this guy is is instant transportation. I will immediately be selling my car after this guy comes to live with me. Yeah, I might be late for everything I ever go to, but are you going to really hold it against me when I show up on a Wooly?

-Matt

PS- His name is Pete. Human names are hilarious for animals.

Rhinoceros

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I’ve always had a fascination with Rhinos for no apparent reason, so that’s as good a reason as any to pick it as my exotic pet. I also feel like Rhinoceros are discriminated against in pop culture. Would it kill Disney to create a sassy Rhinoceros character? The ultimate slap in the face came during the movie Madagascar; you picked a zebra over a rhino, Disney? Are you high? I’m hoping through my fictional adoption that the perception of Rhinos will go from “oh God I’m going to die” to “man that Rhino is sassy!”.

-Ryan

The Nobodies are on Facebook!

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Let me stop you right there; I know what you’re thinking. “Come on guys! Get with the times!” Let me tell you, 99% of the time you would be 100% correct, but in this case you are dead wrong. See, we, The Average Nobodies, have tried many a venture on Facebook but never liked the outcome. A lot of our “likers” were friends and family, and while we love our friends and family, we often don’t get the honest interaction and feedback that we would with people like YOU! You, our fans and readers, have taken this blog to heights we never thought we would reach! You interact with us, you give us feedback, and a few of you even give us content! We would like to say thank you by adding another alley in which new fans can join our community. So when the Facebookers get here lets give them an old fashion Average Nobodies welcome! The more the merrier!

If you would like to follow us on Facebook as well as here click here or the above picture

-The Average Nobodies

and remember…

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Help support our YouTube web series, Twitter News Weekly! Twitter News Weekly uses YOUR tweets to tell the news. A new episode is released only once a week, but we hope to change that. Every dollar you pledge helps us make better and more frequent content for you! Pledge your monthly donation (as low as 1 dollar per month) at http://www.patreon.com/AverageNobodies. Different donation levels will get you a specific reward from The Average Nobodies.

Facebook Droppin’ Stacks $$$$$$

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Facebook has entered into an agreement to purchase WhatsApp, the massively popular messaging client, for $16 billion in cash and stock. A document filed with the SEC today confirms the huge purchase. As was the case with Instagram, the company says WhatsApp will continue to operate independently after the acquisition — separate from Facebook Messenger — but claims the deal “accelerates Facebook’s ability to bring connectivity and utility to the world.” Facebook is also throwing in an extra $3 billion in restricted stock units that will go to WhatsApp’s employees; those will vest over a period of four years after the acquisition is finalized. – The Verge

Why would Facebook spend 16 billion on a messaging app while they already have Facebook Messenger? The answer is simple…Users. WhatsApp has more than 450 million monthly users. If that doesn’t grab your attention check out their growth over its first 4 years as compared to other social media giants.

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I think what is most interesting will be how Facebook plans integrates WhatsApp into its repertoire (Instagram, Facebook, and Facebook Messenger). That is, if they integrate it at all.

-Matt

PS- 16 BILLION DOLLARS = Mucho $tacks

 

Christian Bale is a Sweet Angelic Prince

SourceDANNY HAMMOND just got a little help from Batman himself.

The 21-year-old from Springfield, Delaware County, is at Children’s Hospital of Philadelphia because of astrocytoma, a cancerous tumor on his spinal cord.

To show Hammond, who has been battling cancer since he was 9, support, his family posts pics to a “Dan’s Our Man” Facebook page. Although most contributors are family and friends, Christian Bale recently sent his own show of support, sending a pic with “Dan’s Our Man” written across his face. Bale found out about Hammond through Hammond’s cousin, a costume designer who has worked with Bale.

Bale is known for changing his appearance for the big screen, such as his recent Oscar-nominated role in “American Hustle,” but rarely has it been for a cause this sweet.

Christian Bale shows support for Danny Hammond who has been battling cancer since he was nine.

Christian Bale sounds like a swell guy. I know he had that blowup on the set on Terminator a while back, but anyone who goes out of his way to do this is OK in my book. And the best part about this is it wasn’t a publicity stunt. He didn’t do it and give a million interviews about it. He found out about the kids battle and posted his show of support. Simple as that. Wouldn’t expect anything else out of Batman, and if this helps Dan persevere a little longer, then it was well worth it.

- Ryan

Walter White’s Facebook “Look Back” Video is Perfect

Definitely more exciting than mine.

-Matt

Twitter Presents: The Roast of King Joffrey

Apparently There is A Roast of King Joffrey Happening on Twitter. Here are some of the best tweets I found.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Really? Come on Man!

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This picture of Bill Gates has been tearing its way through Facebook over the last week or so. Saying that if you share it, Mr. Gates is going to give you $5,000! Whooooo! Maybe i’ll share it twice so I can get $10,000!…….. Come on people! You are all better than this. Do you know what gave this away as fake to me in the first .1 seconds of me reading it? Not the fact that he would be giving each of the 2+ million people who shared it $5,000, because i’m pretty sure he could swing that. No, what gave it away was the line “It’s about time I give back to the people!”. Like, are you fucking kidding me, whoever-made-this? Bill Gates is one of the most generous people on the face of this earth. Guy gives to charity upon charity. You think just because your not getting a piece of the action you think that he should finally “give back to the people”? Go live under a tree, or better yet, go work for your money, like Billy Boy did. Then maybe YOU can give back to the same life-suckers that will be accusing you of being stingy.  WAKE UP

-Matt

Gary Busey is Insane

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No clue what to make of this. You died, came back to life and saw the crash from many perspectives? or life from many perspectives? Or the surgery? I have no fucking clue. I’m going to stop trying to decode these face books posts of his so my brain doesn’t overheat.

Hey, at least we know it’s actually him that is writing all his social media updates. How do I know this? Because if that’s his publicist writing for his Facebook then he needs to stop paying them immediately.

Another notable celeb that CLEARLY writes his own post is The Iron Sheik

-Matt

 

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