Blog Archives

Christopher Walken Was Wonderfully Weird Last Night on The Daily Show

image

SKUNK FIGHT

I actually watched this live and Christopher Walken is far and away the most wonderfully weird person on the planet. He came on to talk Jersey Boys and instead spent 99% of the interview talking about his ideal climate and all the animals he sees at his house in Connecticut. If there’s one thing I want to do before I die, it’s watch a skunk fight with Christopher Walken. I have to imagine that’s as good as it gets.

- Ryan

P.S. Slightly upset Jon Stewart didn’t bring up the greatest YouTube video of all time. If you need me I’ll be dancing.

I’m Quitting my Gym to Fight Bears For Exercise Instead

Planet Fitness, I really enjoy your gym. It’s clean, well maintained, all the machines work, and I have ample space for my finer stretches. However, there is one thing that you lack in a BIG way, wild animal fighting. There is no space for me to fight with any wild animals and even worse there are no wild animals at your gym. With the way the fitness society is changing this is unacceptable. How am I suppose to work up a good sweat? On a treadmill? Pshhhh, like that will ever work. See the video below for my new workout regiment.

Protein powder? Diet pills? Steroids? Who needs ‘em when you have a bear to spar with. I figure I will go out and find a adolescent bear and start there. Maybe move up to its parents as I gain experience. Not to mention I will have an awesome new pet; Talk about two birds with one stone. I can’t see this ever going wrong.

-Matt

Monster Blog Wednesday: Exotic Pets

Monster Blog Wednesday is back in full swing. This week? Well, this week we offer up our choices for exotic pets. Simple right? NOPE. Here’s the kicker: We are counting extinct animals in our selections. Got yours? No? That’s ok, take a look at our picks for inspiration.

Wooly Mammouth

DSC_0017

Large, Majestic, and hairy, The Wooly Mammoth is my perfect spirit animal and pet! I really have no idea what these guys were like but I bet they were loyal as hell. Loyalty is one of the main personality traits i look for in a beast-friend. Secondly, this guy is is instant transportation. I will immediately be selling my car after this guy comes to live with me. Yeah, I might be late for everything I ever go to, but are you going to really hold it against me when I show up on a Wooly?

-Matt

PS- His name is Pete. Human names are hilarious for animals.

Rhinoceros

rhinoceros

I’ve always had a fascination with Rhinos for no apparent reason, so that’s as good a reason as any to pick it as my exotic pet. I also feel like Rhinoceros are discriminated against in pop culture. Would it kill Disney to create a sassy Rhinoceros character? The ultimate slap in the face came during the movie Madagascar; you picked a zebra over a rhino, Disney? Are you high? I’m hoping through my fictional adoption that the perception of Rhinos will go from “oh God I’m going to die” to “man that Rhino is sassy!”.

-Ryan

You Won’t Be Able To Stop Watching

Stunning HD visuals with trance worthy music.

-Matt

Florida Might Honestly Be The Worst Place On Earth

image

(Source) “Beware of the monkeys!

Hundreds of rare wild monkeys — some carrying herpes — are on the loose in Florida after a tour guide brought the spunky critters to the state long ago.

Wildlife officials said that three pairs of Rhesus monkeys were transported to a park near Ocala in the 1930s by tour operator Colonel Tooey after a “Tarzan” flick sparked a fascination with the creature.

But the breed has since boomed and more than 1,000 of the monkeys now live in the state, wildlife officials say.

State officials have caught more than 700 of the monkeys in the past decade — most of which tested positive for the herpes-B virus.

Wildlife officials now consider the monkeys a public health hazard.

Current Silver River tour operator Captain Tom O’Lenick, 65, defended transporting the animals, claiming people love them.

“Everybody who comes on the river for a tour wants to see the monkeys,” O’Lenick said.

“From my point of view, as a naturalist, I think the planet changes naturally and species do move around, whether that is by man or other means,” he said.

The monkeys were first marooned on a small island near the Silver River. But the creatures learned to swim.

They have since been spotted hundreds of miles away, near Jacksonville, officials said.

“Just like any other wild animal you need to give them space,” said British wildlife photographer Graham McGeorge, 42.

The monkeys eat dirt and spiders and live near rivers.”

Florida is just falling apart at the seams. If you told me herpes monkeys were invading a state Florida would be my first guess. The same state that has people who stab their brothers over mac n’ cheese have herpes infested monkeys? Shocker. Florida used to be known for sunshine and the elderly. Now it’s known for psychos and herpes monkeys. Not the ideal transition.

- Ryan

Rusty The Red Panda Has Been Found

All’s well for Rusty, the red panda who set the Internet abuzz on June 24 when he escaped his exhibit at the Smithsonian’s National Zoo in Washington D.C. On Tuesday, zookeepers returned the healthy runaway panda to his enclosure, where he soon went back to munching on fruit and bamboo and getting reacquainted with his old roommate Shama. Following his capture, the staff kept Rusty in the zoo’s vet hospital, followed by a “temporary holding enclosure,” where he remained until his release yesterday.” - Today.com

rusty

If you’re not happy that Rusty the red panda has been found and returned then you have no heart. He just looks like a panda I’d want to have a few beers with on a rainy day. Although I have to say, it’s kind of confusing that Rusty lives at the Smithsonian. I was just there with funky butt Matt, and I don’t remember seeing any live animals. Now I’m kind of upset I never got to see Rusty. Either way, I’m glad Rusty is home. Nothing better than a heartwarming panda story to start your day. Stories like this support my long standing theory that people care more about animals than they do humans, and quite frankly, I feel the same way. If Hank the janitor ran away nobody would give a shit, but if they never found Rusty, I don’t know if I’d have the strength to go on. Stay strong Rusty. Our hopes and dreams live on with you.

- Ryan

Life Lessons From Yoko Ono

image

It’s Friday. Let’s get Yoked.

“@yokoono: This is an invisible tree safe from somebody trying to cut it down.”

- Starting it off white hot. If there’s a type of person I hate in this world, it’s the large population of people trying to cut down invisible trees. Where do you get off trying to destroy these invisible trees? Don’t you know invisible animals rely on the shelter these invisible trees provide? Yoko always looking out for those in need, especially if they’re invisible. (The scariest part of this tweet: 400 RTs. Dangerously insane people)

“@yokoono: All of us will very soon be able to grow back every part of our body.”

- I can’t blame Yoko on this one. I mix up lizards and humans all the time. And who’s to say that some lizard man living  in the Amazon isn’t already running around naked regenerating limbs like some kind of sorcerer. I wouldn’t be surprised if Clooney could already do it. Oh my sweet Clooney

“@yokoono: I had a dream in which beautiful, pure stars, millions of them, were sparkling and filling a large, large space.”

- You don’t have to dream anymore Yoko! There is a sky, and millions of stars too! I have dreams about taking Jennifer Lawrence to nice seafood dinners, meanwhile Yoko over here is dreaming about stars in the sky. You tell me who the crazy one is.

Stay frosty.

- Ryan

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 683 other followers