Category Archives: Monster Blog Wednesday
December 31st. The day everyone says “tomorrow will be different”. Well we no better; tomorrow will be the same thing. The only difference between tonight and tomorrow is tonight we’ll be drinking beer and tomorrow we’ll be drinking mimosas. But for all you dreamers out there who really want to believe that the new year signifies bigger and better things, we’re not here to rain on your parade. Nobody likes a rainy parade, and we understand that. After all, we’re the Average Nobodies; we’re just like you. In the spirit of New Years Eve, we each came up with a New Years Resolution, something we hope to improve upon in 2015. Happy New Year!
Drink More Pickle Juice
Last weekend I had a pickle back shot: a shot of Jameson with a pickle juice chaser, and I think it changed my life. I’m not much of a whiskey drinker, but with a pickle juice chaser, the taste of Jameson was immediately out of my mouth and I was ready to roll. I sang a kick ass version of ‘Let’s Get It On’ on karaoke and the world was mine after that. Plus, according to Medical Daily, pickle juice is a hangover cure, it rebuilds electrolytes post workout, it’s a PMS remedy and it’s great for heartburn relief (3 out of 4 isn’t bad). In Ryan’s world, 2015 will be known as the year of the pickle.
Do More Cartwheels
Everyone talking about “LESS” this time of year; “I will eat less candy”, “I will swear less”, I will push less people out of moving cars”…etc. BUT, my new years resolution is to do MORE. More of what? More cartwheels. I have never been described as “agile” or “swift”, but once I get that first hand to the pavement you might think I’ve been doing gymnastics my whole life. Cartwheels have always been a passion of mine, but I have spent a lifetime hiding them from the world. Gender inequality, pure embarrassment, broken furniture? Call it how you see it, but the only person stopping me from cartwheeling is myself, but NO MORE! 2015 will be the year of the cartwheel.
Halloween is one of the few holidays that evolve as you get older. Easter, Christmas and Thanksgiving pretty much stay the same no matter how old you get: you hang with your family, you eat too much food, you watch whatever sport is on at the time. Halloween changes drastically from childhood to adult hood. When your a kid, you loved dressing up and going trick or treating (unless you’re one of those really cool people who hate Halloween). You ate to so much candy that you got sick to your stomach but it was totally worth it, because candy is amazing. As you grow up, Halloween becomes the night you dress and go to Halloween parties and drink too much. It’s usually a blast; without adult Halloween parties we’d never have the chance to break up a fight between a member of the Mighty Ducks and a ghost. One part of Halloween that doesn’t change are horror movies. Horror movies and Halloween go together like lamb and tuna fish, and you can’t have a great (or successful) horror movie without a great a villain. Here are our favorite horror movie villains.
Damien Thorn – The Omen
I will never look at children the same way after watching this movie. That probably came out weird, but you get the point. Damien from The Omen was the freakiest, weirdest most deranged child in the history of cinema. He’s got nanny’s hanging themselves and SPOILER ALERT: he’s the fucking Anti-Christ. Masked villains are haunting, but to me there is nothing scarier than a demon disguised as a perfectly normal child. When/if I have children, any friends they bring over are going to have to go through rigorous demon testing. Nobody get’s one over on ole’ Ryan.
The Alien – Alien, Aliens, Alien 3, Alien Resurrection, Alien Versus Predator, Prometheus
“In Space No One Can Hear You Scream”. Probably one of the most memorable horror/thriller lines of all time to go along with the most badass horror movie villain to ever grace the silver screen. The Alien from Alien (and a bunch other movies) is a bad mother fucker who would happily rip your heart clean out of your chest without hesitation. You want suspense in a movie? Watch Alien in the dark, go ahead, I DARE you. That shit is scary no matter how many times you watch it and no matter how old you are. Sure, The Alien isn’t supernatural or demonic, but I can guarantee you that if the girl from “The Ring” saw this dude coming out of a TV set she would run to the well from once she came.
This weeks Monster Blog is dedicated to the actors and actresses that are brought to life by a pen an paper. The cartoon, animated movies, and comic strips alike are all examples for places with underrated talent. These colorful pencil strokes often get forgotten during award season and thats a shame. That’s why The Average Nobodies are dedicating this weeks Monster Blog to our favorite animated characters.
Homer Jay Simpson
No TV or movie actor has given me more enjoyment than Homer Simpson. Ever since I was a kid, my brother an I would binge on Simpson episodes for hours on end. Christmas vacation week meant one thing: Simpsons marathons until our eyes bled. Every time I see this yellow shaded fellow on the tube this nostalgic feeling comes over me and I get transported back to simpler times. The way he loves donuts, beer, and his family (usually in that order) makes for a guy that I can relate with.
Eric Theodore Cartman
Like The Simpsons, South Park has been on the air forever, and animated or not, that can’t happen for a TV show unless they have timeless characters. It’s hard to argue that any television character has had a funnier/more psychopathic legacy than Eric Cartman. In a show filled with great characters, it’s the pudgy, foul mouthed blue hat wearing youngster that stands out above the rest. Between his hatred for Kyle (and most Jewish people), his entrepreneurial spirit and his general horrible, selfish behavior, Eric Cartman has permanently entered the hearts and minds of everyone who has seen the show. While he’s had so many great moments on the show, his crowning achievement was in “Scott Tenorman Must Die”, where he exacted revenge on his bully by making Scott Tenorman eat his own parents. It doesn’t get any crazier than that.
We watched Houdini a few weeks ago, and if you haven’t already, you should check it out because it’s really good. Naturally, we now want to be magicians, and even though Houdini classified himself as an escape artist, pulling a rabbit out of a hat seems like a lot more fun than trying to escape a water filled chamber while tied up in chains. Since we now have an immense amount of knowledge in the magician profession, we figured we’d put our brains to the pavement and come up with the two most important aspects of being a magician: the name and the assistant.
Eugene The Dazzling Magician
I know what you’re thinking: “Ryan, you just typed the word magnificent into Microsoft Word and used a synonym to create your name.” Well you’re right. At least it’s better than “David Copperfield”. Real original name DAVE. Being a magician is all about the illusion, but I want to make my act more about the show. Basically what I’m saying is that there will be very little magic going on. Instead, I’m going to dazzle the audience. Sometimes by song, sometimes by feats of strength, sometimes by catching my breath from said feats of strength. If the audience ever gets tired of me (which I’m sure they will) that’s when I’ll pull my trump card: no, not Donald Trump, but my assistant George Clooney. Game. Set. Match. George Clooney magic show.
Matt, The Marvelous
Quick hands? Check. Looks good in a tuxedo with tails? Check. Owns a magic wand and top hat? Check and check. Here’s how I start my rise to super stardom. Break into the magician scene with a few birthday parties. Have those snot nosed kids eating out of the palm of my hand, and before you can say abracadabra I get an offer for a full-time gig at the Providence Marriott. After networking with traveling business men for a few months, I get moved up to the big leagues…Vegas baby. I fly out to Vegas, call up Tony Danza (lets face it, he isn’t doing anything anyway), and the rest, my friends, is history. “Matt and Tony’s Magical Gathering”, I can see it now. Our first trick? We make Kim Kardashian and Kanye West disappear. A magician never reveals his secrets, but I’ll give you a hint on this one….it has nothing to do with magic…
Monster Blog Wednesday: The Premiere of ‘The Hangover Fantasy Sports Talk Video Podcast Extravaganza’
We decided to use our Monster Blog this week to introduce a new member to the Average Nobodies family: our weekly video podcast discussing fantasy football. Every Wednesday we’ll be releasing a video to our YouTube page (www.youtube.com/theaveragenobodies) discussing the week/weekend that was in fantasy football. If you’re the kind of person that loves fantasy football and loves watching 10 minute videos of two moderately handsome guys, then this show is for you. Have you ever wanted to see grown men cry after an excruciating loss in fantasy? Then this show is also for you. This video is a dry run for what we want the show to be, which is basically reviewing our own teams as well as the studs and duds of fantasy football. We’re going to talk football, drink some beers and have some fun. See you on the flippity flip.
– The Average Nobodies
Continuing our NFL Monster Blog theme, this week’s MB will be looking at our favorite NFL referees (sorry, not actual zebras. We’ll save that for another day). We used to take the NFL referees for granted, but then a few seasons back the replacement refs came on the scene, and now we will never take actual ref’s for granted again. Here are our picks:
“Mean” Gene Steratore
Personal foul on nu…you know what? I don’t really give a fuck.
The most nonchalant, no nonsense NFL referee in the game today. He honestly looks like he’d rather be anywhere else, but I think that’s part of his charm. Personal fouls, holding; who gives a shit. Let’s move the game along so Gene can get into that case of Bud Ice’s he’s got hidden in the referee’s locker room. It took me awhile to forgive him for letting my 49ers lose in the NFC Championship last year, but now that I have, I look forward to many more years of watching him not give a shit.
Ed “Muscles Marinara” Hochuli
When Hoch is calling the shots the guy with the biggest biceps on the field usually isn’t a NFL player. Quite the opposite of Ryan’s pick I think Ed Hochuli lives for the game of football. Word on the street was that when the ref holdout was announced as over he immediately started doing pushups and then rode a unicorn to work. I’m just telling you what I heard. Some people think it’s kind of ridiculous how jacked he is for what his profession is, you know what I think? I think THOSE people are ridiculous. You’re telling me if you were on the field with a bunch of gargantuans you wouldn’t want to be jacked up and ready for anything? I’d like to see someone run into Hoch on the field. Brick wall city.
This Friday is the first day of August, and the month after August is September, and September means FOOTBALL. Praise Bill Paxton. Every Monster Blog from today until Packers/Seahawks on September 4th will be dedicated to football in some way. This week’s monster blog is focused on the Madden video game. John Madden did a lot of great things in his day: revolutionized bus travel, won super bowls, became a broadcasting legend, and most importantly, created the Madden video game. While a lot of people like to focus on the Madden curse, the Average Nobodies focus on the positives in life, like having a murderer on the cover of your video game. Anyway, here are our choices:
Madden ’05 – Ray Lewis
I figured I’d get right to the murderer part, because when you have a chance to put a guy who went through a sketchy murder trial on the cover of your video game marketed to children, you do it. Besides that, the mid 2000’s Madden’s were awesome because the talent pool was insane. Ray Lewis was murdering the league on defense. Daunte Culpepper was murdering the league on offense. You had the end of the “greatest show on turf” with the Rams. All that made Madden the best sports game during this time period. As a defensive specialist kind of player, I loved playing as the Ravens and just blitzing the shit out of my opponents. A lot of people don’t like those 10-7 wins, but I thrive on them. Just win, baby.
Madden 04 – Mike Vick
My Madden cover, like Ryan’s, comes form the golden age of Madden. The days when you turn on a game and get the “EA Sports, it’s in the game” little cameos by the actually players. Those were so awesome. Every time I turned on my game I would hope to see a different player! It was a magical time that has since passed and will never again be revisited, but the real reason that chose this cover was purely for the man on it. No, not the dog killer, Mike Vick, i’m talking about the 250 rushing yards and 5 touchdowns, Mike Vick. Never before and never again will a player be so dominate in a video game. People might argue that 2006-08 LT is the better choice, but he was a running back. Mike Vick could literally be your whole team. The ball never needed to touch anther players hands. Touchdown city, population Michael Vick.
It’s MLB All Star week, so we decided to cater our monster blog to one of the more exciting competitions: Home Run Derby. A sometimes forgotten but key element in the Home Run Derby is the man assigned to pitch to each participant. Sometimes they’re the player’s dad, sometimes they’re the player’s coach; what the Average Nobodies might lack in baseball skill and overall strength we make up for in creativity. That’s why we pulled out the big guns for our Home Run Derby pitchers:
This one was kind of a no brainer for me. I see the ball better off of righties, and Mo Vaughn was the greatest hitter with a dirty man’s beard of all time. Chances are Mo won’t throw too many strikes, but I’m a bad ball hitter so it ain’t no thing. My overall fear of not knowing where Mo is going to throw the ball will help me hit the most home runs possible. Not because it will motivate me, but because I’ll be defending my body and face against insane wildness. Also, “The Hit Dog” is one of my favorite baseball nicknames of all time, and any time you can bring an old school Sox player with you to the All Star game you have to do it. If I had 10 choices for who my pitcher would be, I’d pick Mo Vaughn ten times.
Randy “The Big Unit” Johnson
The guy feeding me the ball would have to be my favorite pitcher of all-time, Randy Johnson. Being a big guy with a strong left arm, Randy and I can relate. Even though he’s “big” in the fact that he’s tall and I’m “big” because I eat way too much Taco Bell; and the fact that he has a strong left arm because he’s was a MLB pitcher and I have a strong left arm because…well…other things. Even with those differences i’ve always had a connection with Randy. Even my nickname on my high school swim team was “The Big Unit”! Don’t ask me how I got it, because I actually still don’t get it. Tell me for one second that staring down the barrel of that mustache and mullet wouldn’t give me the strength to blast 100 balls into the cheap seats.
We consider ourselves food connoisseurs so for this week’s Monster blog we will be doing a cooking show round up. Here are the names and types of shows that we would be broadcasting straight to your stomach via your TV. Watch out Food Network, the bad boys of food prep are in the house! That is, until everyone gets horrible food poisoning from our food and we are shut down.
Matt’s Mexican Munchies
Tacos, burritos, quesadillas, you name it, I make it. If you thought Mexican food was getting overplayed and boring then you haven’t seen my show. My show is here to make Mexican food fun again. Our motto? Every night is taco night. My live studio audience gets margaritas all during filming and so do I. Like really strong margs all around… I’ll be honest, I’m drunk for most of the show, which only makes my food better. So maybe the producers are going to have their work cut out for them editing out all the profanities that I use while cooking, but it will all be worth it. Critics will dub me “The Rob Ford of Food Network hosts”, and I will be honored.
Ryan’s Hamburger Helper Hour
This isn’t your momma’s cooking show, partly because your mom never made Hamburger Helper and partly because I’M A MAN. A little known fact about myself is that I was a hamburger helper wizard back in college. Did it help that everyone I cooked for was heavily intoxicated? Probably, but that’s neither here nor there. My secret recipe includes everything you see on the back of the box, except for milk. Milk is horrible for you, and it has no place in my Hamburger Helper. I’ll also make classic sides like instant potatoes, Ryan’s special eggs, and every Hamburger Helper meal comes with a Parmesan goldfish appetizer. How is cooking Hamburger Helper going to take up an hour? You’ll have to tune in and find out.