Category Archives: Monster Blog Wednesday
The Pro Bowl. What used to be a kind of cool tradition has turned into a popularity contest wrapped into 3 hours of “who gives a shit” television. Never fear! The Average Nobodies have a fix for this bore-fest. Here are our modifications to the Pro Bowl that will either end it abruptly or keep it going for years to come.
5v5 Flag Football
Each NFL team selects 5 players from either the starting lineup or their practice squad and heads to Hawaii for a little flag football tourney. Limiting injuries, while still making it fun is key to the Pro Bowl. “But Matt, the two teams that will be playing in the Super Bowl won’t participate.” That’s an easy fix. The two open slots will be filled by the two teams in the amateur tournament that happens the day before.
No run plays, only hail Mary pass plays, the flags are coated with pam cooking spray and touchdowns don’t count unless you do a 5 minute celebration dance. The refs are their to sign your touchdown points from a 1 to 10 scale depending on how good your celebration is.
You want to get the ratings up for the pro bowl? Make it like an athletic version of the purge. Make the tickets free for fans because if they go there’s a chance they’re gonna get murdered. 2 hours of pure mayhem, with each player getting to bring weapon to the dance. Most of these guys hate each other anyways, right? You’re telling me if Josh Norman brought a trident and Odell Beckham Jr. brought a grenade you wouldn’t tune into the Pro Bowl to see what happens? You may tell yourself you wouldn’t watch, but deep down you’re just as deranged as the rest of us. Also, ‘Guns’ Hochuli as the referee and when I say referee I mean hes just there to confirm the murders.
Forbes recently released their newest Billionaires list, and besides it making us incredibly sad, it also showcased some names that we’ve been fans of for years. Sports team owners, movie legends, CEOs; the Billionaires list is a who’s who of people that are way better at their jobs than you and I will ever be. In the spirit of monster blogging, we decided to each pick our favorite Billionaire on the list along with a little explanation of why we feel they’re the best Billionaire in the world.
He may be #603 on the Forbes list of Billionaires, but he’s number one in my heart. Not only does he own my favorite basketball team (Dallas Mavericks). He cashed in on his tech business ventures with Yahoo in 1999 to become a Billionaire, but he didn’t stop there. He invested his money in the aforementioned Dallas Mavericks, and has been helping entrepreneurs ever since, most recently with his TV show Shark Tank. Cuban, who used to be a nose bleed season ticket holder for the Mavericks, now sits courtside at every game he can, and due to win at all costs mentality, brought the Mavericks their first NBA Championship in franchise history in 2011. While I didn’t research this thoroughly, I’m pretty sure Mark Cuban was the only Billionaire on the list to be put through a table by WWE superstar Sheamus.
PayPal, Tesla Motors, FUCKING ROCKETSHIPS?! Is there anything that this guy can’t do? No seriously, i’m pretty sure he is just going take over Mars once his program gets the green light. Let’s look over his accomplishments: First, funds and develops the most widely used payment service in the world, PayPal. He isn’t done there, not by a long shot. In 2002, when everyone else was taking money away from space programs he decided to start the company called SpaceX. No big deal, he pretty much privatised rocketships. And when rockets weren’t enough he took on his most ambitious effort yet, Tesla Motor Company. Named after the father of modern-day electricity, Tesla Motors has taken the electric car market and zoomed it into the future. No longer are electric cars synonymous with weakness. If you ask me who my favorite billionaire is i’m going to say Elon Mush 100% of the time. He is a visionary who is single handedly advancing humankind. Elon FTW.
The “stars” for Dancing With The Stars season 20 were just announced, and they’re something. Suzanne Somers, Rumer Willis, Patti LaBelle, Michael Sam; I could literally go on and on, but I think you get the point. DWTS is fun enough, but The Average Nobodies aren’t the kind of people who see an idea and stop there; we see an idea and think ‘how can this idea be better’? In that spirit, we decided to tweak the DWTS concept and instead of a professional dancer paired up with a “celebrity”, we would insert ourselves into the dance routine and bring in some real star power. Ryan with George Clooney? Matt with Elon Musk? The choices are literally endless. Here are our ideal DWTS partners:
He may have lost a step, but Christopher Walken has been busting a move longer than I’ve been alive. Simply put, he’s a dancing machine, and if there’s two things you need to succeed on DWTS it’s the ability to do a bunch of different dances and fearlessness. Nobody is more fearless (or insane) than Christopher Walken. I’m a little skeptical of his ability to move around after watching the live Peter Pan special, but luckily for C-Walk, I have some dance moves of my own. Maybe we do the salsa, maybe we do the Charleston, maybe we sit in a chair and stare at the audience; when you’re with Christopher Walken, you can get away with anything. If I’m being honest, unless Alfonso Ribeiro is on the show, the title is up for grabs, so I’m very confident that we’ll be in the finals when that day comes around. Fogarty/Walken ’16!
WWF Superstar Chyna
Our dancing partnership is based solely on two things: power and agility. While I may not have either one of those traits former WWF vixen, Chyna, has them in spades. Here is how I see our routines going: I come out and bust a few of my signature moves, maybe a few pop and locks sprinkled over a rhythmic pounding of the dance floor by my size 13 shoe. **Enter Chyna** We meet center stage and begin to waltz (her leading of course). From there we treat the rest of the routine like a Cirque Du Soleil show with Chyna tossing me all over the place. We finish with the move from Dirty dancing, but this time I take over and lift her (I have experience).
December 31st. The day everyone says “tomorrow will be different”. Well we no better; tomorrow will be the same thing. The only difference between tonight and tomorrow is tonight we’ll be drinking beer and tomorrow we’ll be drinking mimosas. But for all you dreamers out there who really want to believe that the new year signifies bigger and better things, we’re not here to rain on your parade. Nobody likes a rainy parade, and we understand that. After all, we’re the Average Nobodies; we’re just like you. In the spirit of New Years Eve, we each came up with a New Years Resolution, something we hope to improve upon in 2015. Happy New Year!
Drink More Pickle Juice
Last weekend I had a pickle back shot: a shot of Jameson with a pickle juice chaser, and I think it changed my life. I’m not much of a whiskey drinker, but with a pickle juice chaser, the taste of Jameson was immediately out of my mouth and I was ready to roll. I sang a kick ass version of ‘Let’s Get It On’ on karaoke and the world was mine after that. Plus, according to Medical Daily, pickle juice is a hangover cure, it rebuilds electrolytes post workout, it’s a PMS remedy and it’s great for heartburn relief (3 out of 4 isn’t bad). In Ryan’s world, 2015 will be known as the year of the pickle.
Do More Cartwheels
Everyone talking about “LESS” this time of year; “I will eat less candy”, “I will swear less”, I will push less people out of moving cars”…etc. BUT, my new years resolution is to do MORE. More of what? More cartwheels. I have never been described as “agile” or “swift”, but once I get that first hand to the pavement you might think I’ve been doing gymnastics my whole life. Cartwheels have always been a passion of mine, but I have spent a lifetime hiding them from the world. Gender inequality, pure embarrassment, broken furniture? Call it how you see it, but the only person stopping me from cartwheeling is myself, but NO MORE! 2015 will be the year of the cartwheel.
Halloween is one of the few holidays that evolve as you get older. Easter, Christmas and Thanksgiving pretty much stay the same no matter how old you get: you hang with your family, you eat too much food, you watch whatever sport is on at the time. Halloween changes drastically from childhood to adult hood. When your a kid, you loved dressing up and going trick or treating (unless you’re one of those really cool people who hate Halloween). You ate to so much candy that you got sick to your stomach but it was totally worth it, because candy is amazing. As you grow up, Halloween becomes the night you dress and go to Halloween parties and drink too much. It’s usually a blast; without adult Halloween parties we’d never have the chance to break up a fight between a member of the Mighty Ducks and a ghost. One part of Halloween that doesn’t change are horror movies. Horror movies and Halloween go together like lamb and tuna fish, and you can’t have a great (or successful) horror movie without a great a villain. Here are our favorite horror movie villains.
Damien Thorn – The Omen
I will never look at children the same way after watching this movie. That probably came out weird, but you get the point. Damien from The Omen was the freakiest, weirdest most deranged child in the history of cinema. He’s got nanny’s hanging themselves and SPOILER ALERT: he’s the fucking Anti-Christ. Masked villains are haunting, but to me there is nothing scarier than a demon disguised as a perfectly normal child. When/if I have children, any friends they bring over are going to have to go through rigorous demon testing. Nobody get’s one over on ole’ Ryan.
The Alien – Alien, Aliens, Alien 3, Alien Resurrection, Alien Versus Predator, Prometheus
“In Space No One Can Hear You Scream”. Probably one of the most memorable horror/thriller lines of all time to go along with the most badass horror movie villain to ever grace the silver screen. The Alien from Alien (and a bunch other movies) is a bad mother fucker who would happily rip your heart clean out of your chest without hesitation. You want suspense in a movie? Watch Alien in the dark, go ahead, I DARE you. That shit is scary no matter how many times you watch it and no matter how old you are. Sure, The Alien isn’t supernatural or demonic, but I can guarantee you that if the girl from “The Ring” saw this dude coming out of a TV set she would run to the well from once she came.
This weeks Monster Blog is dedicated to the actors and actresses that are brought to life by a pen an paper. The cartoon, animated movies, and comic strips alike are all examples for places with underrated talent. These colorful pencil strokes often get forgotten during award season and thats a shame. That’s why The Average Nobodies are dedicating this weeks Monster Blog to our favorite animated characters.
Homer Jay Simpson
No TV or movie actor has given me more enjoyment than Homer Simpson. Ever since I was a kid, my brother an I would binge on Simpson episodes for hours on end. Christmas vacation week meant one thing: Simpsons marathons until our eyes bled. Every time I see this yellow shaded fellow on the tube this nostalgic feeling comes over me and I get transported back to simpler times. The way he loves donuts, beer, and his family (usually in that order) makes for a guy that I can relate with.
Eric Theodore Cartman
Like The Simpsons, South Park has been on the air forever, and animated or not, that can’t happen for a TV show unless they have timeless characters. It’s hard to argue that any television character has had a funnier/more psychopathic legacy than Eric Cartman. In a show filled with great characters, it’s the pudgy, foul mouthed blue hat wearing youngster that stands out above the rest. Between his hatred for Kyle (and most Jewish people), his entrepreneurial spirit and his general horrible, selfish behavior, Eric Cartman has permanently entered the hearts and minds of everyone who has seen the show. While he’s had so many great moments on the show, his crowning achievement was in “Scott Tenorman Must Die”, where he exacted revenge on his bully by making Scott Tenorman eat his own parents. It doesn’t get any crazier than that.
We watched Houdini a few weeks ago, and if you haven’t already, you should check it out because it’s really good. Naturally, we now want to be magicians, and even though Houdini classified himself as an escape artist, pulling a rabbit out of a hat seems like a lot more fun than trying to escape a water filled chamber while tied up in chains. Since we now have an immense amount of knowledge in the magician profession, we figured we’d put our brains to the pavement and come up with the two most important aspects of being a magician: the name and the assistant.
Eugene The Dazzling Magician
I know what you’re thinking: “Ryan, you just typed the word magnificent into Microsoft Word and used a synonym to create your name.” Well you’re right. At least it’s better than “David Copperfield”. Real original name DAVE. Being a magician is all about the illusion, but I want to make my act more about the show. Basically what I’m saying is that there will be very little magic going on. Instead, I’m going to dazzle the audience. Sometimes by song, sometimes by feats of strength, sometimes by catching my breath from said feats of strength. If the audience ever gets tired of me (which I’m sure they will) that’s when I’ll pull my trump card: no, not Donald Trump, but my assistant George Clooney. Game. Set. Match. George Clooney magic show.
Matt, The Marvelous
Quick hands? Check. Looks good in a tuxedo with tails? Check. Owns a magic wand and top hat? Check and check. Here’s how I start my rise to super stardom. Break into the magician scene with a few birthday parties. Have those snot nosed kids eating out of the palm of my hand, and before you can say abracadabra I get an offer for a full-time gig at the Providence Marriott. After networking with traveling business men for a few months, I get moved up to the big leagues…Vegas baby. I fly out to Vegas, call up Tony Danza (lets face it, he isn’t doing anything anyway), and the rest, my friends, is history. “Matt and Tony’s Magical Gathering”, I can see it now. Our first trick? We make Kim Kardashian and Kanye West disappear. A magician never reveals his secrets, but I’ll give you a hint on this one….it has nothing to do with magic…
Monster Blog Wednesday: The Premiere of ‘The Hangover Fantasy Sports Talk Video Podcast Extravaganza’
We decided to use our Monster Blog this week to introduce a new member to the Average Nobodies family: our weekly video podcast discussing fantasy football. Every Wednesday we’ll be releasing a video to our YouTube page (www.youtube.com/theaveragenobodies) discussing the week/weekend that was in fantasy football. If you’re the kind of person that loves fantasy football and loves watching 10 minute videos of two moderately handsome guys, then this show is for you. Have you ever wanted to see grown men cry after an excruciating loss in fantasy? Then this show is also for you. This video is a dry run for what we want the show to be, which is basically reviewing our own teams as well as the studs and duds of fantasy football. We’re going to talk football, drink some beers and have some fun. See you on the flippity flip.
– The Average Nobodies
Continuing our NFL Monster Blog theme, this week’s MB will be looking at our favorite NFL referees (sorry, not actual zebras. We’ll save that for another day). We used to take the NFL referees for granted, but then a few seasons back the replacement refs came on the scene, and now we will never take actual ref’s for granted again. Here are our picks:
“Mean” Gene Steratore
Personal foul on nu…you know what? I don’t really give a fuck.
The most nonchalant, no nonsense NFL referee in the game today. He honestly looks like he’d rather be anywhere else, but I think that’s part of his charm. Personal fouls, holding; who gives a shit. Let’s move the game along so Gene can get into that case of Bud Ice’s he’s got hidden in the referee’s locker room. It took me awhile to forgive him for letting my 49ers lose in the NFC Championship last year, but now that I have, I look forward to many more years of watching him not give a shit.
Ed “Muscles Marinara” Hochuli
When Hoch is calling the shots the guy with the biggest biceps on the field usually isn’t a NFL player. Quite the opposite of Ryan’s pick I think Ed Hochuli lives for the game of football. Word on the street was that when the ref holdout was announced as over he immediately started doing pushups and then rode a unicorn to work. I’m just telling you what I heard. Some people think it’s kind of ridiculous how jacked he is for what his profession is, you know what I think? I think THOSE people are ridiculous. You’re telling me if you were on the field with a bunch of gargantuans you wouldn’t want to be jacked up and ready for anything? I’d like to see someone run into Hoch on the field. Brick wall city.