Author Archives: MattFromRI
Shelley Duvall’s performance in “The Shining” is all-time, and now I know why. I really think that Shelley Duvall was genuinely terrified during the shooting because Jack Nicholson is legit crazy person. Look at him get jazzed up to chop a door down with his axe. If you listen carefully he starts saying “axe murderer” under his breath. OH GOOD.
Apparently Phil did not see his shadow, which means the end of winter is near. Let’s celebrate by reliving one of the greatest moments in Groundhog Day history. Jimmy, take it away!
Have you ever listened to a white, albino rapper? No? Then you’ve never had the pleasure of listening to my man, Brother Ali. Coming straight at you with positive vibes on this gorgeous Monday.
The Pro Bowl. What used to be a kind of cool tradition has turned into a popularity contest wrapped into 3 hours of “who gives a shit” television. Never fear! The Average Nobodies have a fix for this bore-fest. Here are our modifications to the Pro Bowl that will either end it abruptly or keep it going for years to come.
5v5 Flag Football
Each NFL team selects 5 players from either the starting lineup or their practice squad and heads to Hawaii for a little flag football tourney. Limiting injuries, while still making it fun is key to the Pro Bowl. “But Matt, the two teams that will be playing in the Super Bowl won’t participate.” That’s an easy fix. The two open slots will be filled by the two teams in the amateur tournament that happens the day before.
No run plays, only hail Mary pass plays, the flags are coated with pam cooking spray and touchdowns don’t count unless you do a 5 minute celebration dance. The refs are their to sign your touchdown points from a 1 to 10 scale depending on how good your celebration is.
You want to get the ratings up for the pro bowl? Make it like an athletic version of the purge. Make the tickets free for fans because if they go there’s a chance they’re gonna get murdered. 2 hours of pure mayhem, with each player getting to bring weapon to the dance. Most of these guys hate each other anyways, right? You’re telling me if Josh Norman brought a trident and Odell Beckham Jr. brought a grenade you wouldn’t tune into the Pro Bowl to see what happens? You may tell yourself you wouldn’t watch, but deep down you’re just as deranged as the rest of us. Also, ‘Guns’ Hochuli as the referee and when I say referee I mean hes just there to confirm the murders.
Feel good story of the week right here. Alvin gets plucked out of the crowd and is given a prosthetic arm that will ultimately change his life. Heart melting shit right here, but is anyone else wondering the obvious? Why is nobody worried about Vader and his cronies recruiting this kid to the Dark Side?! Just letting Vader waltz into this school and start brainwashing kids. Irresponsible.
Ok, I think the choice of song in this trailer is blinding my judgment, but this looks incredible. I always knew DC had it in them. It only took Christopher Nolan to change the super hero movie game with his Batman trilogy. This looks like the gritty, dirty movie that the Suicide Squad deserves. And Will Smith as Dead Shot? Sign me up for a Halloween costume laster this year.
Living in Rhode Island, we’re not strangers to winter storms. Every winter, the Northeast gets hit with snow, with some years being worse than others. Last year, we got hammered for almost 3 straight months, and even as someone who enjoys the seasons and likes snow, it was a bit much. The 2015-2016 season has been a lot easier on us, as we’re entering the third week of January without any significant snow. According to weather people everywhere, that’s about to change. Instead of complaining about it, we decided to have some fun with it, and name the blizzard that will rape and pillage all the milk and eggs from Stop N Shop.
Winter Storm Norm
The most important parameter to follow when naming any storm is rhyming. If you don’t get tickled at the thought of a fictional winter storm with a rhyming name, then you shouldn’t be able to leave your house, and if you can’t leave your house then what’s this all been about? Winter Storm Norm is stoic, classy, can play the Sax and is the type of guy you go to with woman troubles. Think of him as a Ron Swanson that could cover your home in 10 feet of snow if he wanted to. This weekend I plan on holding up in the basement of my house with a beer(s), New Girl on netflix and a blanket to keep me warm and let Winter Storm Norm rock me to sleep.
Blizzard Mona Lisa Vito
I want my blizzards to have a little sass and attitude, and who has more sass and attitude than Mona Lisa Vito? Nobody. I want a blizzard that comes in guns blazing, blanketing us in snow and spitting in our eye at the same time. The red dress might make you think that she’s here for a good time, but you couldn’t be more wrong. Blizzard Mona Lisa Vito is here to break your heart and drop copious amounts of snow on your ass. A classic tease, Mona Lisa Vito is coming in for the weekend, not even giving us the pleasure of a day off from work.
I’m not going to sit here and pretend i’m a rocket scientist. I’m awful at basic math and I have what can be best described as a “loose” grasp on the english language. I might not be able to do long division, but I know funny, and Kyle Lowry calling out DeMar DeRozan about math is FUNNY. We all knew what you meant, DeMar. You didn’t mean “1 of 3”, Lowry caught you slippin’, plain and simple. The way he played it off though, that’s some masterful shit. Don’t backtrack, just plug forward. Luckily, DeMar’s ability to do math has nothing to do with the success of this basketball team. Raps are on a hot streak right now (granted, the East is like JV compared to the West).
It is coincidence that Drake hasn’t been at any games recently?
I think not.
WE THE NORTH