Go See Fridays – South Paw, MI5, Vacation

South Paw


Ok, you got me, I put this on last week’s Go See Fridays, but I really think it was that good. If you like feel good redemption stories, then this is the flick for you. Plus the soundtrack is FIRE.

Mission Impossible: Rogue Nation


I haven’t see this one yet, but there have been a lot of pleasantly surprised movie critics posting glowing reviews about it. Leave it to Tom Cruise and Co. to reinvent a 5-movie franchise.

Vacation (2015)


I might go see this just to see Leslie Mann and Thor get drunk at a dinner party, but really, I do want to see this. The Vacation movies were a huge part of my childhood and if I can relieve that nostalgia even just a little bit, it will be worth it.

Happy viewing!

-Matt

Brady Showing the NFL He Gives ZERO

I’m not a Pats fan and even I know that the suspension is bullshit. Keep doing you, Brady.

-Matt

(PS this is the ONLY one-handed catch I’m impressed with)

Ryan’s Gossip Circle: Amy Schumer & Jennifer Lawrence Are Best Friends & I’m Green With Jealous Rage

Ever since I watched Silver Linings Playbook for the 1000th time, I’ve been a big fan of Jennifer Lawrence. She’s talented, hot, and seems pretty down to earth. Maybe it’s all an act, but who cares. If I was a multi millionaire celebrity at TWENTY FOUR I’d probably be the biggest asshole in the world. I’d be Shia LaBeouf. Instead, she handles all the insanity with class and just keeps doing her thing. Same thing goes for Amy Schumer. She’s the star of her own sketch TV show and she just wrote and starred in her own movie (Trainwreck) which was absolutely hysterical. She’s on the top of the world, but she doesn’t give a shit about all that fame stuff either. She just wants to red jet ski’s with her maniac friend Jennifer Lawrence. While I’m eating under cooked steak tonight with 50 other guys, they’re both living the dream. God damn it am I jealous.

– Ryan

The Latest Shocking Twist In The Tom Brady/Deflate Gate Saga: Jets Fan Think The Patriots Are Cheaters

The Patriots training camp opened today, and a plane flew overhead with a banner reading “cheaters look up”. It’s a little unfair, since every time you see a prop plane with a banner in tow you’re going to look up, but I guess that’s what the Jets fans are into nowadays. It’s tough to blame them, because while every team in the AFC East has spent the off season getting significantly better, their team still has Geno Smith under center. But hey, at least their fans are clever!

– Ryan

Oh Good: The Waters Being Used For The Olympics In Rio de Janeiro Are Highly Contaminated With Human Feces

YumAthletes in next year’s Summer Olympics here will be swimming and boating in waters so contaminated with human feces that they risk becoming violently ill and unable to compete in the games, an Associated Press investigation has found.

An AP analysis of water quality revealed dangerously high levels of viruses and bacteria from human sewage in Olympic and Paralympic venues — results that alarmed international experts and dismayed competitors training in Rio, some of whom have already fallen ill with fevers, vomiting and diarrhea.

It is the first independent comprehensive testing for both viruses and bacteria at the Olympic sites.

Brazilian officials have assured that the water will be safe for the Olympic athletes and the medical director of the International Olympic Committee said all was on track for providing safe competing venues. But neither the government nor the IOC tests for viruses, relying on bacteria testing only.

Extreme water pollution is common in Brazil, where the majority of sewage is not treated. Raw waste runs through open-air ditches to streams and rivers that feed the Olympic water sites.

As a result, Olympic athletes are almost certain to come into contact with disease-causing viruses that in some tests measured up to 1.7 million times the level of what would be considered hazardous on a Southern California beach.

Messed Up

Of all things an Olympic athlete would want to swim through, I have to imagine human sewage is very low on the list. It might not even be on the list. I guess this is the risk you take putting the Olympics in Brazil, but this is obscene. Also. maybe test the waters and get this information out to the public BEFORE you choose where the Olympics are being held. Now you have people going there to train and getting sick because they’re swimming through human shit. The most shocking stat comes at the end, as some waters that were tested were up to 1.7 million times the level of hazardous conditions. 1.7 million! That’s an insane number no matter what you’re testing for, but when the tests include human feces, it’s downright nasty. I don’t know what the remedy for this is, and I know there isn’t one that’s going to make these waters safe by next year, so Mr. Olympic has some serious decisions to make.

– Ryan

 

Here’s Danny DeVito Walking A Dog In A Dress (The Dog, Not Danny DeVito)

image

I don’t know what this is for and I don’t care. I don’t need context in this situation. It’s Danny DeVito walking a dog who is wearing a dress. It’s wonderful. I used to think that DeVito was this great actor who turns in one of the most insane performances as Frank Reynolds on Always Sunny, but I think it’s pretty clear that he’s just batshit crazy.

– Ryan

Surprise, Surprise: Roger Goodell & The NFL Has Upheld Tom Brady’s 4 Game Suspension

No FunThe National Football League has upheld a four-game suspension of New England Patriots star quarterback Tom Brady for his role in the football tampering scandal known as “Deflategate,” the league announced in a news release Tuesday.

Commissioner Roger Goodell, in affirming the suspension he handed down in May, said new information about the destruction of Brady’s cell phone showed the four-time Super Bowl champion “sought to hide evidence of his own participation in the underlying scheme to alter the footballs.”

The first thing I want to say is that none of this would have happened if Tom Brady were white. Oh he is white? Well then I’m not sure what stance to take here. Is it dumb to suspend a guy for four games for something you can’t prove? Yes. Am I surprised the NFL, a somehow multi billion dollar operation who gloriously screws up every investigation over the last few years, screwed up an investigation? No. Anyone who thinks the NFL is punishing Tom Brady for deflating footballs is missing the point. Roger Goodell and the NFL are suspending Tom Brady for not going quietly into the night. They wanted a quick and painless situation and wanted Brady to do everything their way, including giving up his cell phone. If anyone saw the texts on my cell phone, I’d be thrown in an insane asylum immediately. Plus why would Brady let the NFL, the league that bungles every investigation, have his personal cell phone? That shit would’ve been leaked to the world in a nanosecond. So Brady didn’t comply, pee wee brain Roger Goodell didn’t want to look weak, and now the defending Super Bowl Champions won’t have their quarterback on the field until week 6. May God have mercy on Andrew Luck and the Colts for that week 6 matchup.

– Ryan

Giant Anaconda – Someone Call Ice Cube

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NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE. Fuck that. The last thing I’m doing when I see a titanic-sized Anaconda is pole it with a wooden oar. It’s not like these guys were in a big boat either. If that snake wanted to it could have eaten both of them and awarded them the Darwin Prize. This is another reason i’m not going to South American…EVER.

5 Stars From Last Night’s #RAW

Raw was live from OKC last night, and the WWE put on an actual wrestling show. The show opening Authority promo was shorter than usual, and they actually used the segment to set up most of the night’s matches. Sasha Banks and Becky Lynch got spotlight wins, Bray Wyatt is resurrecting the Wyatt Family and John Cena’s nose is no longer a part of his face. Let’s get to the five stars from last night’s Raw!

1. Sasha Banks

I think we can all agree that The Boss is a badass, right? After dominating the NXT women’s division, Sasha has gotten called up to the main roster and done more of the same. Here she beats former NXT Women’s Champion and WWE Divas Champion Paige, and the Banks Statement is starting to become a really deadly finisher. I love that the NXT women are all submission artists of some sort, because it adds an extra element to a match. Becky Lynch proved it later in the night, but having a deadly finishing move puts your opponent in a dangerous predicament no matter what is happening in the match. I love the trend of having multiple Divas matches on Raw, and I also love that they left out the two worst in ring Divas (Brie and Tamina). I’m all for giving Diva’s a chance, but maybe give Brie and Tamina less of a chance than the others. My only complaint with this segment is Sasha not carrying the NXT Women’s title around with her. Owens brought the NXT title with him during his Cena feud, so why isn’t Sasha? The Boss needs her bling!

2. Rusev

I never thought I’d enjoy Rusev so much in non wrestling segments, but he is a joy to watch. He comes out with Summer Lana and brings her a gift, which ends up being a dog named Dog Ziggler. That is so wonderful. I also love how Rusev implies that Dolph Ziggler pisses on himself. It’s probably not true, but it COULD be true. He also calls Lana a cold fish, which is kind of messed up, but is saved by Rusev imploring Summer Lana to pick it up the fish. She obviously did not want to pick up the fish, but Rusev insists, so she does. Most wrestlers flounder (get it) in this segment, but Rusev was great. Lana coming out and forcing Summer Lana to kiss the fish was eh, but Rusev throwing the fish up the ramp was great. Give me Rusev all the time.

3. The Tag Team Division

Wrestlers on commentary is usually a terrible idea (see Sheamus, Bella Twins) but Titus O’Neil is the exception to the rule. He’s not only entertaining, but he makes sure to put over whoever is fighting and never demeans the tag team division. If the tag team division was flourishing you could bring in a team to be cocky and talk trash, but at this point, that would do more harm than good. Los Matadores and Lucha Dragons aren’t exactly The Dudleyz vs. The Hardys, but they’re working hard and are helped by someone like Titus on commentary. Plus, they put on a great match, with lots of actual tag team moves. Los Matadores won last week, which apparently automatically puts them in title contention, so Lucha Dragons win this week, which I’m assuming is leading to a fatal four way tag match at Summerslam. Supplement star to New Day, who along with Rusev are the best non wrestling part’s of most Raw’s. The triple skip to the ring holding the sign saying Kofi Kingston is the best dad was wonderful.

4. Bray Wyatt

So Bray Wyatt delivered a promo on Raw, but he actually mixed it up a bit! Instead of his usual ‘anyone but you’ bit on Roman Reigns, he explained why Luke Harper was back with the Wyatt Family, and now we have an actual storyline. The WWE usually does things without explanation and just forces you to live with it, so it’s nice to see characters explain their actions. Wyatt let Harper free so he could figure out on his own just how bad the world is, and realize that in order to get what he wants, he needs the help of someone like Bray. Wyatt is a great character, but he needs other people to interact with besides WWE’s version of good guys. Cena, Ambrose and Reigns are fine when they’re interacting with characters like them, but they have no idea what to do when they’re up against an oddity like Wyatt. Undertaker had Kane and Mankind, but Wyatt doesn’t have any oddballs to be weird with. It’ll be interesting to see where they go with this feud, as the rumors are that the Wyatt’s will find a new third man (since Rowan is injured) and then Sting will be the mystery partner for Reigns and Ambrose at Summerslam. Time will tell, but hopefully this feud moves beyond DQ finishes and starts getting good.

5. John Cena & Seth Rollins

If this was a mini preview of the title match at Summerslam, then I am all the way in. I already wrote about Cena’s broken nose but the match itself was really great. Cena has been unquestionably the best in ring talent over the last couple months, and while a lot of that has to do with the caliber of wrestlers he’s been in the ring with, it’s time to admit that Cena is a great wrestler as well. Speaking only for myself, if I had broken my nose as severely as Cena broke his, I would have curled up into a ball and refused to move. Instead, he not only finishes the match, but takes some pretty intense moves. Rollins performs a top rope suplex into a Falcon Arrow, which needs to immediately be added to his move set. The worst part of Rollins being a heel is that if he was a good guy, he’d be blowing you away with his moves. He can’t utilize his full arsenal because you don’t want the crowd cheering for him, but when he breaks out a suplex/falcon arrow combo or a Phoenix splash, it’s something special. Back to Cena, who was phenomenal for most of the match, but especially after the broken nose. He uses the injury as adrenaline, and it’s great because it’s not a typical Cena comeback. Usually when Cena comes back, he takes a beating for 95% of the match, pops up, hits an AA or the STF, wins the match and then celebrates with the fans like nothing happened. It’s INFURIATING. Here, Cena is legitimately injured, but understands that if he doesn’t win the match soon, he’s going to lose. Rollins is desperate too, because he’s hit Cena with everything and still can’t pin him, so he goes for his ace in the hole: the Phoenix splash. He misses, which gives Cena the opportunity to get him in the STF, and Cena is not fucking around this time. He puts Rollins in one of those rare choke hold STF’s, and it looks realistic because Cena’s arms are god damn tree trunks. Rollins taps, and we end Raw with Cena looking like he just went through hell. A great Raw overall with a solid main event.

– Ryan

 

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