— Taco Bell (@tacobell) April 22, 2015
Taco Bell isn’t just interested in the breakfast game, they want to take over the entire world. One of the best things about Taco Bell is their sauce packets, and starting May 5th for a limited time only Taco Bell will be releasing a new sauce, named ‘Diablo’. For those of you who don’t know their Spanish and have yet to discover Google, Diablo translated to English means ‘Devil’. While I don’t think Taco Bell would actually put the devil in a sauce packet, I’m assuming it’s going to be pretty spicy. I was going to go to Taco Bell on Cinco De Mayo anyway, and now I have a new sauce to try. I love you Taco Bell. Don’t ever change.
While I don’t usually watch Smackdown on Thursday nights, I made an exception this week. Smackdown was taped in my hometown of Providence, RI, so obviously the Average Nobodies attended and as always, the WWE put on a great live show. The usual script for Raw reviews is 5 stars, but since Smackdown is only 2 hours, I decided to limit it to 3 stars. Smackdown featured a couple solid tag team matches, and I sat close enough to Roman Reigns to brush his soaking wet hair.
Neville has been extremely impressive since joining the main roster, and anyone who had concerns that he wouldn’t be utilized correctly should be breathing a sigh of relief so far. This was the first time I’ve seen him live, and holy hell is he quick. Neville is that rare superstar who can flip and jump with the best of them, but also understands the psychology of wrestling as well. He knows how to wrestle the bigger guys like Sheamus and he knows how to wrestle guys his size like Rollins and Ziggler. I love that he pinned Barrett, too, and I mentioned in my Extreme Rules preview that if Daniel Bryan can’t compete, I’d love to see Neville and Barrett take place and Neville secure another victory. If Neville can beat the #1 contender for the IC belt twice in the same week, he’d definitely be in the discussion for challengers to the title once Bryan returns. The highlight of the entire show was seeing Neville hit the Red Arrow live. If WWE is coming to a city near you and Neville is advertised, you owe it to yourself to go see him.
2. Prime Time Players
I’d be ok if the PTP never wrestled another match again, as long as I could get a Titus ‘OORAH’ once in awhile and as long as they keep doing these backstage promos every week. The tag team division is filled with entertaining and exciting teams, who are normally given about 2-3 minutes to have a match and tell a story. While the WWE is doing their best to elevate the US and IC belts, they’ve continually let the tag team division fall by the wayside. My suggestion would be to have the writing team ignore them, but give them at least 15-20 minutes per Raw to get themselves over. You’re telling me guys like Titus, Darren Young, Cesaro, Tyson Kidd, New Day and Lucha Dragons can’t have solid matches and entertaining promos on their own if given enough time? The tag team division should be a lot more exciting, especially considering the teams that are in it. While I’ll never condone anyone making fun of Cesaro, Titus’s satchel and paper boy hat were a nice touch. Hopefully the PTP challenge for the tag titles soon, and hopefully the WWE realizes the diamonds they have in the tag division just waiting for their time to shine.
3. The Main Event
The main event of Smackdown was a tag team match featuring Ambrose and Reigns vs. Harper and Rollins, and it was fantastic. Ambrose and especially Reigns were incredibly over with the Providence crowd, and all four guys worked their tail off to close out the show. While you’d want to keep the champion getting pinned in non title matches to a minimum, I did like Reigns getting the clean pin here. He deserves much better than a Last Man Standing match with Big show at Extreme Rules, so hopefully after Sunday he’s back closer to the main event. I think Harper and Ambrose are going to have the best match Sunday, so I’m glad they got to give us a little preview of what to expect. The Authority continues to tease tension with it’s champion, and that was escalated last night with Kane throwing Rollins back in the ring just in time to eat a spear from Reigns. All in all it was a fun show with a really good main event to send the crowd home happy.
WWE Extreme Rules takes place live this Sunday FOR FREE on the WWE Network in Rosemont, Illinois. For a filler pay per view, it’s a pretty stacked card with 8 matches, including a few with Extreme Rules stipulations. Every major title (for now*) is being defended, so let’s get to the preview and predictions!
WWE Tag Team Championship Match: Cesaro & Tyson Kidd (C) vs. New Day
New Day has been on a roll lately (words I never thought I’d write) thanks to their new found strategy of winning by any means necessary. They are on the slow build to becoming a very good heel tag team, and I’m glad they’re finally taking advantage of having three guys at ringside at all times. They’re not ‘bad guys’ as much as they’re opportunists, and they’re using the crowds disdain for them as an advantage. If the crowd keeps telling you that you suck, you can either pack your shit up and never be heard from again or you can use that hate to motivate you. New Day is employing the latter strategy, and I’m glad, because Big E and Kofi have always been fun to watch in the WWE. Cesaro and Kidd have zero momentum going into Extreme Rules, but it looks like they’ll be working as the good guys in this match. I don’t know if a title change is in order, but the tag team division is clearly an afterthought in the WWE right now, so unless a Give Tag Teams A Chance hash tag starts trending, the winners of this match don’t really matter.
Prediction: I’m going with Cesaro and Kidd, because they’re wonderful together and should be Tag Team Champs forever.
WWE Divas Championship Match: Nikki Bella (C) vs. Naomi
AJ Lee retired, Paige is filming a movie and the rest of the Divas that aren’t the Bella’s are in limbo, so Naomi has been boosted up to the #1 contender slot, and she’s doing a great job with it. Similar to the New Day, Naomi isn’t your classic heel. She’s proven herself over and over again, yet opportunities and title shots have consistently been given to other Divas. Instead of sitting back and waiting her turn, she created an opportunity for herself, and now she’s one pinfall or submission away from being the Diva’s champion. The WWE creative team is ass backwards most of the time, so why not call them out on it? It makes storyline sense, and it gives a Diva more personality than she’s had for her entire career. I think a Bella Twins split is long overdue, so hopefully some seeds are planted for that here and Naomi walks out the champ.
Prediction: Naomi, who becomes the first former dinosaur woman to ever hold the Divas title.
Last Man Standing Match: Big Show vs. Roman Reigns
Roman Reigns wins the Royal Rumble to become the #1 contender for Brock Lesnar’s title. He beats Daniel Bryan in the main event at Fast Lane to maintain that #1 contender’s spot. He co-main events WrestleMania with Brock Lesnar, only to lose when Seth Rollins cashes in his MITB briefcase. How does he get rewarded for his four month reign of dominance, featuring the best two matches of his career? A Last Man Standing Match with the Big Show. I don’t know if the WWE is intentionally trying to cool off Reigns, but going from wrestling in the main event of WrestleMania for the WWE Championship to wrestling the Big Show in a mid card gimmick match is not the progression you want from the future of your company. The WWE did the same thing last year with Daniel Bryan. Instead of giving him a fresh feud after he won the belt at Mania, he got attacked by Kane and thrown into a pointless angle that STILL hasn’t been resolved. Big Show and Roman Reigns feuded late last year, Roman won, end of story. Why is he fighting Big Show again less than a month after main eventing WrestleMania? I don’t get it, and I fully expect this match to be a stinker.
Prediction: Roman Reigns buries the Big Show alive even though that’s not the stipulation. He just needs this feud to end.
Chicago Street Fight: Luke Harper vs. Dean Ambrose
This is my pick for the match of the night. Two guys with nothing to lose, wearing the same clothes, just going out there and beating the shit out of each other. No zany hot dog stand antics from Ambrose; I want steel chairs, barb wired baseball bats, whatever else he can find. You can’t nickname someone the Lunatic Fringe then have him act like your drunk uncle. He needs to be a legit maniac, which doesn’t seem too far off from the actual Dean Ambrose’s personality. Harper is just trooping along, and continues to have great matches with everyone he’s put in the ring with. The story here is that Harper put Ambrose through a ladder at Mania then a table on Smackdown, and Ambrose wants revenge. I hope these two go out all here, and the Rosemont crowd should eat it up.
Prediction: Ambrose really needs to get going, so I’ll go with him here.
Kiss Me Arse Match: Sheamus vs. Dolph Ziggler
When I hear the words ‘Extreme Rules’, I don’t think of one man kissing another man’s ass, but maybe that’s just me. Sheamus returned after months away from the ring with a badass theme song, a silly haircut, twisty tied beard hair and a chip on his shoulder. He doesn’t think guys like Ziggler and Neville belong in the same ring as him, and he’s going to prove it. By…making Ziggler kiss his ass? Stipulation aside, this should be a great match. I’m not looking forward to either guy kissing the other guy’s ass, but Sheamus works best when guys are willing to take a beating, and nobody takes a beating like Dolph Ziggler. Between this match and Ambrose/Harper, I’m more invested in the mid card non title matches than I am the US or WWE Championships, and that is 100% due to the performers involved. You know they’re going to give you all they have, and they’re proving you don’t need a title to get people invested in a feud.
Prediction: Sheamus’s first pay per view match since returning should result in a win. With that said, If I see his bare white ass, I will not be happy.
Intercontinental Championship Match: Daniel Bryan (C) vs. Bad News Barrett
How I feel every time I read a Daniel Bryan health update.
*I highly doubt this match will happen, since the latest report is that Bryan will be out for up to 5 weeks. I doubt they’ll strip him of the title since Bryan should only miss Extreme Rules and possibly Payback, so maybe Barrett issues an open challenge in the name of wanting to fight someone. My pick would be for a solid Neville vs. Barrett match with Neville picking up the win, thus making him a legit challenger for the IC title which should be his logical progression in my opinion. Neville already pinned Barrett on Smackdown in a tag match, so two wins over a #1 contender should get him a shot sooner rather than later. Also, Bryan vs. Neville is something I’d love to see before Bryan’s head falls off.
Russian Chain Match For The US Title: John Cena (C) vs. Rusev
Everything leading up to Extreme Rules seems like it should end with a Cena win Sunday. Rusev attacked him from behind twice with a Russian chain, the second time putting him in the Accolade with said chain. Cena beat Rusev at Mania, but ever since, Rusev has had the upper hand. USUALLY when that happens, the hero, in this case Cena, will get his revenge and win. The only problem with that theory is that if John Cena is going to lose a match, it’s going to be because someone cheated or because of a fluky stipulation. While a normal Russian Chain Match is just a match were you’re allowed to use the chain, this specific match also included the stipulation where you can win by touching all four corners while chained to your opponent. My Spidey senses are tingling with this added stipulation, because this is a perfect scenario for Cena to lose without being pinned or forced to submit. On the other hand, this is also a way for Cena to retain the title without Rusev losing clean on back to back pay per views. Lana played a key role in their Mania match, so will she do the same here?
Prediction: Death, Taxes and John Cena successfully defending a WWE title belt. Those are the three certainties in life.
Steel Cage Match For The WWE Championship (RKO Is Banned): Seth Rollins (C) vs. Randy Orton
The logical next step in the Seth Rollins title reign would be to face Randy Orton, and I’m glad WWE went this route. Orton beat Rollins clean at Mania, so now that Rollins is the champion, why shouldn’t Orton get a chance to prove that he can do it again? Rollins is excelling in his role as the weasel champion, and it’s funny that the two guys left to defend him are smaller than he is. The power of stealing the show and winning the title during the main event of WrestleMania is clearly going to his head, and the people who helped put him there (HHH and Kane) don’t seem as keen on the Future of the WWE as they once were. Orton is sliding into the #1 contender’s slot at the perfect time, because Rollins has never been so vulnerable. With Kane as the Gate Keeper or whatever the hell it’s called, it’s almost a certainty that he’ll influence the end of the match. Rollins win was such a triumph at Mania that I can’t imagine he’d lose the belt already, and I think Kane will come to his senses Sunday and help the champ retain.
Prediction: Seth Rollins. The only way I want to see his title reign end is in a puddle of blood and urine at the hands of Brock Lesnar.
As always, we’ll be live tweeting Extreme Rules over @averagenobodies. Join us Sunday night!
Season 40 of SNL is coming to a close, but not before three more action packed episodes starting next Saturday. Scarlett Johansson, Reese Witherspoon and Louis CK will close out the season, with Wiz Khalifa, Florence & The Machine and Rihanna paired up as the musical guests. CK is always wonderful on SNL, and Johansson and Witherspoon are that perfect combination of star power with the ability to get a little bit weird for a laugh. The SNL crew has had a few weeks off, so hopefully they come out swinging for the fences starting next Saturday. If we don’t get an encore edition of Louis as Abraham Lincoln in the season finale I might burn my house down.
To say the Mavericks mid season acquisition of Rajon Rondo has been underwhelming would be incorrect. It has been as bad as possible, and it seems like Rondo was saving the absolute worst attitude for the playoffs, as he’s officially out indefinitely. The Mavs traded Brandon Wright and Jae Crowder for Rondo, who has been nothing but a whiny, selfish bitch since his arrival in Dallas. The talent has always been there, but Rondo’s entire career has been centered around his ‘woe is me’ complex, and when rumors started swirling that he was going to ask the Mavs to choose between he and Carlisle next season, it all but sealed his fate. Carlisle lead the Mavs to their only title in franchise history and is one of the smartest coaches in the league. In the right setting, Rondo might be successful, but it’s to tough to tell what setting would fit Rondo. It wasn’t in Boston with Ray Allen and KG. It wasn’t in Boston when he was the whole show. It wasn’t in Dallas when he had three or four options to pass it to every offensive possession.If he’s this much of a problem over not being able to call the plays, imagine what’s going to happen when something major happens. Simply put, Rajon Rondo is the worst, and I hope wherever he goes next he’s as miserable as humanly possible.
Black Mass is one of the most anticipated movies yet to come out this year, and all of that buzz has to do with the main character portrayed by Johnny Depp, James ‘Whitey’ Bulger. For those who don’t know, Whitey Bulger is one of most notorious criminals in history, and his reign of terror lasted several decades. What made Bulger worse than your average criminal is that he struck a deal with the FBI, but still continued to be a world class monster. It’s said that Jack Nicholson’s character in The Departed was loosely based on Bulger, but in the case of ‘Black Mass’, this is basically a fictional documentary. The trailer doesn’t give us much, except intermittent scenes of violence centered around a dinner discussion where it looks like Whitey is going to kill a guy because he gave him his family’s steak recipe. Depp was awesome in Blow and Public Enemies, so I have no doubt he’ll excel here as well. ‘Black Mass’ has no official release date yet, but will be in theaters this year.
In case you need a back story, Salma Hayek is a pretty famous actress who married a god damn French Billionaire, Francois-Henri Pinault. What did she do with her billions of dollars? She built an animal sanctuary, created an Instagram account and pretty much is making the world a better place. The videos above include her thanking the chickens she has for giving her fresh eggs for breakfast, hugging a llama that was born in her sanctuary and eating a cricket because she has billions of dollars and she’ll do whatever the hell she pleases. If I’m being honest, she’s my new favorite person on Instagram. Salma Hayek has always been easy on the eyes, and now that llamas and conversations with chickens are being thrown in the mix, my heart is exploding with joy. There’s also a 100% chance I purchase a llama now.
Pizza—in all of its deeply-beloved, circular, iconic, cheesy, perfect-in-every-way glory—is the key to (almost) anyone’s heart. We love it, we eat it all the time, we worship its creation, we can’t say no to it. And apparently, that principle applies even when you’re quite literally teetering on the precipice of imminent suicide.
Police are only human. They have their fair share of problems, certainly, but they also share the same needs and desires as the rest of us. Which is why last week, when a man in San Jose, CA was threatening to throw himself from an overpass onto the freeway in a suicidal exhibition, the cops busted out the best idea they could think of: sending a robot to bring the man some pizza. -Munchies.vice.com
I think an awarding of the Nobel Peace Prize is in order. What progressive thinkers we have over at the San Jose Police Department! We need to take this story and learn from it, build from it, evolve from it. Is Barrack overseas doing peace negotiations with North Korea? Bring a pizza and have Kim Jong Un swooning. Dealing with inner-city gangs? Send a few pies their way and I guarantee they will trade their knives and gats for cheese and peps. As a society we need to realize that the healing powers of the magic circle of dough and sauce is a real thing. So that you all know that I am truly committed to the pizza movement, I will only be eating Papa Johns for the rest of my life.
Well I’m officially off the JJ Watt bandwagon. After my poor Mavericks and my sweet Dirk Nowitzki lost game 2 last night, JJ Watt decided to literally dance on their graves and twerk or whatever on the court. I’m all for players who play in a certain city rooting for other sporting teams in that city, but this is too far. Nobody dances on Dirk’s grave. JJ is just lucky Dirk didn’t see this or he would’ve demolished him on live TV. What’s JJ, 6’5 275? Dirk takes bigger shits than that. Unfortunately for Watt, he’s now my sworn enemy and I’m going to put the wrath of the Ryan Stink all over him. The one thing JJ Watt doesn’t want is for all my bad luck juju to follow him around this season, but after his cowardly display, I have no choice. Best of luck in hell, JJ Watt.